Has This Ever Happened to You?

Andy and I just got home from an outing and my first stop was our downstairs bathroom. I got myself settled and expected to see this:

Instead, this is what I saw:

(Thanks, Brian!)

No worries though, as I knew I could find one of these:

within easy reach in the nearby cabinet.

Unfortunately, this little cutie:

just joined me, as he is never far away. As I grabbed the roll I didn't have a good hold of it and it rolled away, across the floor. At that moment I was very glad that Andy had followed me in. I asked him to pick it up and hand it to me. Sadly, he is two. He laughed crazily and ran off with the roll, leaving me stranded.

I found myself wishing that Molly could be this useful:

Finally my sweet boy responded to my pleas and returned with the goods.


And now I need to properly supply the downstairs bathroom!

Sometimes there is such a fine line between being concerned and being too involved. There's a fine line between caring, and overstepping bounds. There's a fine line between what's appropriate, and what's not.

Sometimes your brain tells you which side of the line to stay on. Sometimes your heart does the telling. And sometimes fear of doing the wrong thing does the telling.

And then there's that whole "You can't unring a bell" thing that keeps you from acting.

Sometimes it isn't enough to consider just the here and now, but the future, one year, 5, 10, 15 years, if not longer, down the road needs to be considered.

And in the end, I have to remind myself that it really isn't my place to get involved. And that's hard, because quite obviously somebody does need to get involved. And here I am back to balancing on the thin line again.

Been Missing YOU

My life is so full, and complete, and just plain good right now that I really don't have anything to complain about. So this complaint really isn't a complaint at all. More like an observation, really.

I miss blogging. I miss reading. I miss commenting. I miss posting. There. I said it.

I miss keeping up with my bloggy buddies and feeling connected.

For so long blogging was really a lifeline for me. I wasn't working, except for some subbing and tutoring, and we really weren't well established in our new hometown. Infertility was a lonely, scary place to be and and it was way less scary and way less scary in the blogosphere.

And really, if there's anything I miss about my travels through infertility and beyond it's the blogging. I sure don't miss the doctor appointments, tests, blood draws, injections, ultrasounds and mounting medical bills. I sure don't miss the much too short lived pregnancies and surgeries.

And as time passed blogging changed as we continued our journey and became parents. And more recently, I miss keeping up with the hard-fought for pregnancies, adoptions, and quickly growing more and more adorable little munchkins!

I love my class this year, I have the best third graders ever. I've needed to love teaching again, so this is wonderful. That being said, it's kicking my butt. I hate having to be away from Andrew during the day. My precious few hours with him each day pass way too quickly. By the time I get him fed and put to bed I'm just done. D - O - N - E. I try to blog, but nothing coherent comes out. I read blogs, and comment, but my comments sound dumb so I don't post them.

But, Spring Break is within sight. In 48 hours I'll be free, free, free! I'll have two glorious weeks! One of my goals is to get back into the swing of blogging, and to give back some support and friendship to this wonderful community that means the world to me.

They're Everywhere

Pregnant folks, that is.

Yeah, I'm observant, huh?

I thought I was past the part where it gave me pause.

But, apparently not.

I'm imperfect and flawed that way.

My brain has NO interest in being pregnant again, and I'm pretty sure my ovaries and ute of doom and destruction would agree.

My heart . . . that's a different story.

There are several preggos at school.

More are trying, and talking about it, and will be there soon.

It leaves me wishing, wanting and hoping.

Andrew's birthmom is remarried, and expecting in November.

That hurts. On so many levels.

My perfect little Andrew fills my heart completely, and will always be more than enough.

He's so wonderful that I want another one just like him.

Or different would be good too.

A little brother, or a little sister, to make our lives complete.

I feel selfish and greedy for wanting more, when others are still hoping, wishing, and praying for one.

Maybe I am. Maybe I'm not. But I'll still be hoping, wishing, and praying for one more. Somehow. Someway.

The Million Dollar Question

What kind of parent will I be when I grow up?

This is a question that has meandered through my thoughts many times over the years.

When I was a little girl I envisioned the perfect little group of stair-stepped children that I would raise with my husband in my perfectly kept up house. I never gave any thought to what kind of parent I would be. I simply was, and it was good.

When I was a teenager I envisioned myself the kind of parent that would let my children do all of the things that my parents wouldn't let me do. My teenage self would let my kids have televisions and phones in their rooms.

When I was in my 20's I couldn't envision myself as a parent at all. I didn't envy my friends who were having kids at an age that I thought was too early. I had too many things to do to be bothered with thoughts of parenthood. Parenting was something I would think about later.

When I was in my early 30's I envisioned myself being the kind of parent that didn't make all of the mistakes that my friends were making. By the time I actually had kids I'd have this all worked out! This easily thought by someone who wasn't a parent!

When I was in my late 30's I envisioned myself being the kind of parent who had learned by my friend's mistakes, though it began to feel as though I'd never have the opportunity.

And now, here I am, a parent and I still have no idea what kind of parent I'll be when I grow up!

Sure, I have lots of theory in my head, but I realize that it's my heart that is guiding me. Sure, I'll make mistakes, and that's OK. I'll make mistakes that my friends have made. I'll make new mistakes as well. But I'm bound to do a few things right as well, "God willing" as Grandma Mayer would say.

Almost, but not Quite

I knew that March 15th was coming along. I knew it would get here. I knew it would just be another day. I knew it could be just another day. But it wasn't, and isn't. Because it was a "should have" kind of day. Yesterday was an unfulfilled due date for me. Last summer's doomed pregnancy should have brought us new joy yesterday.

A year before I got pregnant I had a dream. In that dream I had a baby born on March 15th. Last year when I found out I was pregnant we found out that the due date was March 15th. I was amazed. I was hopeful. I thought that surely this was a sign. A sign that this time it would work out. I was wrong. Or the timing is just plain off. Maybe another March 15th, but just not this one.

So yesterday rolled around and I didn't speak of it. I'm sure that nobody else held even in inkling of what the day meant for me. I simply spent the day in the company of my husband and my baby and knew that all was well.

And today has rolled around, and I remember in a wistful way about March 15th. The could haves. The should haves. And it makes me all the more grateful for my actual haves.

It's Been Six Months and Six Cycles

. . . since my last miscarriage.

I rarely even give it any thought,
and it truly does seem like it happened so much longer ago.
So long ago, that it feels more like another lifetime.
In a way, it was.
It was during the first weeks of having Andrew home,
so time was such a blur.

But every once in a while,
coincidently about once a month,
I am reminded of that loss.
And I wonder.
I wonder if I will have to go through it yet again.
I wonder if I'll get pregnant again.
I wonder if I want to.

I know I'm deathly afraid
of being pregnant again.
Afraid of getting excited.
Afraid of losing again.
Afraid of complications.
Afraid of success.
Afraid of letting everyone down.
Just afraid.

And so I practice avoidance,
So there's no chance of being afraid,
of failing yet again.

But still I wonder,
as I dream and hope for a sibling for Andrew.
I wonder if I'll have another chance,
or if my fear has chased it away.

Looking Back, Looking Forward

This is my 300th post as well as the last day of the year so what better way to spend it than to reflect upon the last year.

I reviewed my blog from last January. My, my, my . . . . just how far we have come on this unbelievable journey! Last year at this time I was bidding good riddance to fertility treatments and testing and beginning the process of our adoption paperwork. I had one last visit with my RE and was encouraged to try IVF just one more time. I was full of hope and eager to get on with the business of just living our lives. I had no idea of what was to come. In fact, never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined the blessings that would unfold for us.

2008 did hold it's share of drama and upset for me. After all, we did have to once and for all give up our dream of biological children. It was hard getting back into the swing of teaching full time. In fact, I'm still struggling with it. I allowed myself to be hurt by other's insensitivity and lack of understanding and compassion. I had another doomed pregnancy and miscarriage and surgery.

But, you know what? Absolutely none of that matters anymore. By July our greatest dream had come true and it's been nothing but sheer bliss since then. OK, maybe teaching full time isn't sheer bliss, but it really isn't that bad and it's nice to know that in the current economic climate we are able to alleviate some financial worries.

So what will 2009 hold for us? Only God knows. I've learned that all we can do is go with the flow and muddle through and wait out the difficulties and delight in and cherish the joys. I'm looking forward to watching Andrew grow. I'm looking forward to spending time with B. I'm looking forward to enjoying what we have instead of wishing and planning for what we don't. I'm looking forward to letting "good enough" really be good enough instead of striving for super human standards in my home and classroom. And I'm looking forward to living in this state of bliss that I've been in for months. I never want it to end!

I'm also wishing that all of you can reflect upon the joys you have had this year and feel the pain and disappointment a little less. Further, I'm wishing that you will think of a few things that you are looking forward to in the coming year. And, if you wouldn't mind . . . drop me a comment and let me know what you are looking forward to.

A New Look for a New Year

I am definitely ready to put 2007 behind me as I look towards the blessings to come of 2008. And what better way to do that than with a new blog layout? OK, so a Maui vacation or a fabulous purse may actually be a better way, but on my budget I'm going with the new blog layout. Maybe one day this year I might even learn how to may my own unique one of a kind blog layout. Just maybe.

So, what am I saying good-bye to? Lots, actually, since 2007 was pretty much full of crap. Like a 3rd failed IUI. Making the decision to move onto IVF. A natural pregnancy (actually, that part was pretty cool, while it lasted). Miscarriage and subsequent D&C. Making the decision again to move onto IVF. Becoming THAT person. You know, the one who even fails IVF. Taking on more debt that I ever could have imagined. And lastly, facing the reality of needing to go back to full time teaching.

Before I start to sound too negative there really were some good parts of 2007. I was able to work as little as I needed to in order to do what I needed to go. I did manage to GET pregnant, proving that my rusty old parts do work a little bit. We at least had the resources to try IVF. My dad continued to get stronger and learn to do a few things. We did take a couple of trips to Las Vegas, Sedona and California. We did have lots of visits from family and friends.

But what am I looking forward to in 2008? First of all, NO MORE fertility drugs, exams, tests or procedures. I can't tell you what a huge relief this is. For the first time in 2 years I'm not under the influence of fertility drugs or a slave to peeing on little sticks. And you know what? I feel good. I physically feel good. I actually feel a remarkable sense of peace. Like this is the absolute right thing to do. And while I didn't lose any weight while undergoing fertility treatments I didn't gain any either, like most people do. In fact, now I can focus on losing weight. Mostly though I'm looking forward to working our way through the adoption process. This is something that, given time, will result in a real live baby for us. And that's what we want more than anything in the world. Despite my grumblings I am actually looking forward to teaching full time again. This won't happen until August, but I may get my feet wet come spring time. And, eternal optimist that I am, I'm looking forward to my dad regaining more strength and mobility and function, and to my mom regaining her sanity and getting more help.

In the coming days I will post about some of the specifics of what I would like to do this next year. Not resolutions, merely things to do.

And in the meantime I most sincerely wish you a prosperous New Year in which all of your dreams come true.
And I'm wishing

Knocked Down, Not Up

I didn't mind having a headache when there was still hope that I might be pregnant. However, this is my 3rd day of this headache since confirming that I am not pregnant. And it stinks. It starts first thing in the morning and doesn't leave until mid afternoon.

Saturday morning's remedy proved to be a huge mistake. Note to self (and everyone else): a breakfast burrito, chased with 2 excedrin and 800 mg of motrin and a fistful of vitamins is a recipe for disaster. I spent 20 minutes throwing up and then had an upset stomach for the rest of the day. And still had a headache until the afternoon.

It seems that all that helps this headache is laying in the recliner with a warm rice sock on my head, napping or watching TV. As you can see, sometimes my sweet Molly Pie joins me, and that helps a lot. Please don't hold my dirty, stingy hair against me.

But, I'm OK. We're OK. We have a plan, we still have options. During the next week we will be getting much more information. I still haven't decided just how much of the next adventure I plan to share here. I am concerned about the reaction that some people we know in real life might have and I don't want to be in the position of having our potential kids treated differently. So, maybe more to come later.

In the meantime, I'm heading back to the recliner with my hot rice sock and remote. Then I need to get off my duff and get to the gym and also get some housekeeping done before the tutoring kids start showing up this afternoon. Tonight is my support group meeting, so I couldn't ask for better timing on that.

Happy Blogiversary

Happy Blogiversary to me! I started this blog one year ago when life was vastly different from how it is today. I never could have imagined the twists and turns life has thrown our way over the past year. Let me count the ways . . .

1) I started this blog solely for our family and friends. I wasn't working, hadn't met many people here in Arizona, was just starting infertility treatments, and I wanted a way to reach out to my friends and still keep in touch. Also, I realized that maybe not everyone wanted to receive regular newsy emails from me. This blog format allows people to read when they want to and not have my ramblings forced upon them.

2) Within a week of starting the blog my dad suffered his terrible accident. I simply cannot believe that it is almost a year since he has stood, or walked, or combed his hair, or dialed a phone, or countless other things. I used this blog to help update friends and family during that horrible time. Going back and reading about that is sad.

3) Eventually I started writing about our struggles with infertility. I didn't at first, but I guess after a while I just decided that I needed more support than I could muster on my own. I wanted my friends and family to know what was going on with us, but it was just too hard to have the same conversation with everyone. So, I typed.

4) When it became evident that IVF was going to be in our future I began exploring other blogs written by women suffering from infertility. I found a lot of kindred spirits, people who understood exactly what I was feeling and could often explain it better than me. It made me feel like I wasn't quite such a nut. I found hope, and lots of it.

5) Then, surprise, I was pregnant! I celebrated here. It was a wonderful time to be blogging.

6) Sadly, I miscarried. When I couldn't cry anymore, and I couldn't talk anymore, I could type. And I found amazing support which really helped me get through the worst of it.

7) While finding the support I needed during that awful time I also realized that my words were helpful to others. It helped to know that what I was going through might be helpful to someone else in a dark time.

8) I have kept this honest, perhaps giving too much information, in the hopes that I can be passing along a little bit of understanding both to people I know, and to people I don't know.

9) And I continue to keep my real life friends and family informed, and I continue to make cyber friends and try to offer support and hope, not only to others, but it builds in me as I offer it.

So, whether you are a real life friend reading, or a new cyber friend reading, please continue along on this journey with me. Please continue to share in the comments, I really love the feedback, or drop me an email. I need my friends now more than ever. I'm really hoping that by my next Blogiversary I have many more blessings to write about (especially the kind that cry and coo) and that there is far less heartache to write about.

And lastly, thanks so much for the ongoing support, kind words, and prayers. It means the world to me, and makes Phoenix seem a lot less lonely, even though I'm hundreds or thousands of miles away from you.

Weekend Review, Detox and Meditation

OK, I'm going to start with my Dad's update. After much confusion, yesterday he was discharged from the hospital and admitted to a nursing home to continue the next 10 days of his IV antibiotics. He is back to his old self again. He was never really sick as he didn't feel bad. Illness affects him differently now because he just can't feel things the same anymore. All that we noticed before he went to the hospital was that he was pretty cranky, and for those who know my dad, that is not his personality. Anyhow, the nursing home is really nice. It is only about 2 years old and very clean and nicely decorated. And it doesn't smell like must or old people. My dad raves about the food and so far the care seems to be pretty good as well.

On Friday I came to a realization. And for some it may not be news. However, I have been spending waaayyyyyy too much time online, mostly cruising through blogs and googling stuff. It seems I may be slightly addicted. I won't go into a lot of details, but what happens is that by the time I'm done I'm convinced that I am suffering from a combination of every affliction I have read about. That's right, by the time I logoff I have autoimmune disorders, thyroid disease, heart disease and cancer, and tons of bad luck thrown in just for giggles. Also, my heart just gets so heavy with everyone else's heartbreak. The end result is that I get myself way stressed out and find myself nearly in an anxiety attack. Many people, when faced with stress, participate in retail therapy. However, the nearest mall is 45 minutes away, and it isn't even a good mall. The good stuff is an hour away. I, however, am a freak of nature. My therapy of choice is housekeeping therapy. I'm pleased to report that all of my symptoms have diminished and also my house, all 3,000 square feet of it, is sparkling from top to bottom, and every piece of laundry is done too. Since I have run out of things to clean I am going to have to take drastic steps in my internet detox program. That's right, I am limiting myself to going online twice per day, and for no more than an hour at a time. Brian has even threatened to take my laptop to work with him. Noooooooo!

Before I continue with the last part of this post I have a special message for Brian. If you are reading this, and you are at work, stop right now. Close the blog and go do something else. Read this after you get home. Don't worry, it isn't anything bad. Just read it at home. Trust me.

In other stress reduction news, my friend Meghan sent me some absolutely wonderful infertility meditation CDs. I haven't listened to them in their entirety yet, but so far I am hooked. This evening I took a long bubble bath and did some reading. Afterwards I got comfy in bed and listened to one of the meditations on my ipod. A very odd thing happened while I was listening. I was sorta doing what I was being told and repeating the meditations to myself, however, I was having trouble remembering the words just exactly right. So, sometimes instead of repeating all of the words I was envisioning what I was told. At one point I was supposed to be feeling the support of those encouraging me. I saw lots of people there, some I know and some I don't. There was also a baby, and I knew immediately that this was our lost Angel Baby. The baby told me (think Look Who's Talking) to keep trying and not give up. I was still kind of floored by that when I realized just how tremendously lucky we are to have this Angel Baby waiting for us in heaven. I can't even verbalize, or write, how deep the feeling was, only to say that all of the heartache and pain of the miscarriage is so totally worth knowing that our Angel Baby is waiting for us. It was a very odd feeling, but good. I guess I must have been really relaxed.

Afterwards I continued listening to music on my ipod while Brian was reading on the other side of the room and I went to sleep. When he came to bed much later it woke me up. After tossing and turning for about 2 hours I finally got up and came downstairs, and here I am. So much for my detox program. However, I believe I am still on track because I haven't actually read any blogs right now or googled anything. So that I don't tempt myself now that I have come to the end of my post I think I'll head outside to look for the meteor shower, and then I'll try the whole sleep thing again.

Anyway

This is what I have been listening to. A lot. Hope you enjoy it. There is a lot of wisdom here.




Oh, and the trip to the gym was good too. It was good to sweat. Even better to come home and get a shower. And do some laundry. Now I'm off to my massage so that I can be reduced to the consistency of jello. After that I plan to spend some time in the pool. Then I will have to suck it up and fix some dinner, but I think I can manage.

What a Difference a Year Makes

A year ago:

I had finished a horrendous year of teaching 2nd grade. My worst ever. But, I had quit my job so that I could focus on getting pregnant and having a baby.

I had my first visit to the RE and completed all of my testing. Everything was within normal parameters.

Undetermined infertility. The gift that keeps on giving.

I was getting ready to do my first IUI. I was going to get pregnant in no time.

My parents had begun to settle into their new home here in Arizona to enjoy their retirement.

We had a respectable savings account.

I missed my friends tremendously.

We had a naughty beagle.

I hadn't discovered blogging yet.

Brian and I had lots of time to spend together and really enjoy just hanging out together, as well as taking little trips.

So much has changed in the last year:

Quitting my job turned out to be a blessing in that I had the time to help my parents after my dad's accident. It was fantastic not having to go to work everyday and not to have work stresses, considering how many other stresses came our way. I like being able to substitute teach on days that work with my schedule, allowing me to go to doctor appointments and such and allowing me time and flexibility.

I have worn a rut in the road to my RE's office, and have funded a new wing in their office.

I still have undetermined infertility, and it stinks even more now.

Enough clomid to kill a horse, injectible meds, a giant cyst, 3 failed IUI's, a small polyp and impending surgery, and IVF orientation, and finally a natural pregnancy on a "waiting" cycle. Miscarriage and D&C at 10 weeks.

My parents are decidedly not enjoying their retirement here in Arizona. Nothing will ever be the same and nothing we can do will ever make things OK.

The savings account? It is no longer respectable. It is barely recognizable now.

I still miss my friends. They have tried to be very supportive, but I'm sure they are tiring of my life by now. Some don't think I'm being very realistic anymore.

We still have a naughty beagle, but she has matured and isn't naughty quite as often.

I am addicted to blogging, and I have found such amazing support and understanding and hope in this community.

Brian and I still enjoy our time together, and it's what has gotten us through this past year and will continue to get us through the future.

We still have hope. We will have a family. One way or another. Or maybe just another beagle and a better vacation. Either way, we will be OK. And we will be together.

Life Doesn't Have to be Perfect to be Wonderful

I have written before about how I am the kind of person that likes to be a planner, likes to have a plan, and even more importantly, likes to have the plan go my way. In many aspects of my life this is a formula that has served me well. It allowed me to finish college, have a career that I loved, buy a condo, pay off debt, plan a wedding, buy a house and move out of state. Not to mention, it helps me to keep the house clean, laundry done, bills paid, and shopping done. The only thing it hasn't gotten me is a baby. Needless to say, this type of personality just doesn't fit with being sub-fertile. But that's OK, because. . .

Life doesn't have to be perfect to be wonderful.

We might not have a baby yet, but Brian and I are insanely happy together. We have time to be together and enjoy ourselves. Sometimes we can even be lazy if we feel like it. We might not be able to have kids the way we planned, but one day we will be parents.

Life doesn't have to be perfect to be wonderful.

We need to be very careful with our finances, since I'm not working right now. But, we are still able to enjoy sporting events, movies, family and friends.

Life doesn't have to be perfect to be wonderful.

We planned our backyard landscaping before knowing much about the Arizona climate and how plants do. Plus, the landscapers were schiesters. Hense, we hate what few plants we have, both the dead and live ones. And, it's not in the finances right now to redo it. But, we have a pool and the water temperature is perfect and we use it almost everyday and it helps keep us comfy when the temperature passes 110 degrees.

Life doesn't have to be perfect to be wonderful.

We miss our friends and family in California tremendously, and don't have many friends in Arizona. However, thanks to free long distance calls on cell phones and the internet we are able to keep in touch regularly. Also, we have a large enough home to entertain plenty of houseguests.

Life doesn't have to be perfect to be wonderful.

My dad's accident almost a year ago has forever changed our family. My parents don't have the type of retirement they planned for themselves. They don't have the type of retirement we planned for them. My mom is forever tired and overworked and distracted and seldom herself. We can't do enough to make it better. But, my dad is in good health, and most importantly he is still here. He is learning little by little to do little things. We still have hope for more.

Life doesn't have to be perfect to be wonderful.

None of the planning in the world will get done or do any good if it isn't already God's plan. He has a plan for us, and much as I would like to know exactly what it is, it doesn't appear likely. I just have to be patient and wait for God's wonderful plan for us, which, by the way, will be perfect since it is God's plan.

Life doesn't have to be perfect to be wonderful.

My Love/Hate Relationship With Hope

Have you ever felt like you love something and hate it at the same time? For example, I love a clean bathroom, but I hate to clean the bathroom. OK, maybe that isn't the best example, but I'm sure you get the idea.

I'm finding that I have very conflicting views about how I feel about Hope. I want to have Hope. I do have Hope. I don't always have very strong Hope, but I do try to have at least a little smidgen lurking somewhere deep in my heart. I am actually pretty good about having Hope for the future. I am hopeful that things will turn out the way we want in regards to how we build our family. It seems that I like Hope best when it is for a far away Hope. Something that will happen down the road. Having Hope for the future keeps me going. Having Hope for the future keeps me sane.

However, I have trouble with Hope in the short term. Hope in the short term scares me and can only hurt me. Hope in the short term is taunting and teasing and a trickster. Here I am, not quite 4 weeks past my D&C. I feel things happening in my body. Things that could indicate either a visit from Aunt Flo or the Baby Fairy. I KNOW it is more than likely Aunt Flo knocking at the door. My heart hopes for more. Hope weasles it's way into my heart. My brain tries to tell Hope to take a hike from my heart. Hope is stubborn. Hope refuses to leave. I don't want Hope right now. I want Hope for later. Actually, I do want Hope for now, but I don't want Hope to hurt me in a few days. I don't want to be fooled again, and risk having my long term Hope weaken.

Now What, Continued

I have realized that I really do have more to say about my last post. I sort of stopped part way through. Maybe I just didn't want to go there. It isn't just the lack of a plan that has me so unsettled now. It is the lack of guidance that has me so out of sorts. Lack of guidance from God.
There are so many clear moments when I truly felt pressed upon my heart to do something, moments where it really took a leap of faith to get me going. I definitely felt called to teach and it took a great leap of faith to continue my education and land my first real teaching job. It was a huge leap of faith to move to Arizona, however, it seemed the right thing to do and so many things just fell into place that it couldn't have just been a coincidence. Just as God called me to teaching, I firmly believed that God called me out of teaching during my first year teaching in Arizona. And I was OK with that since I felt that the reason was to lead me through the next season of my life, namely parenthood. So here I am a year later, and no closer. Instead, I am $12,000 poorer and 1,000 times more frustrated, confused and uncertain.
I long for the place I was in a few months ago. The place where I felt no fear, only faith. A baby was not the only thing to die with the miscarriage. I fear my faith has died as well.

Now What?

From as far back as I can remember I have always had a plan of some type. Everything I ever did was based on something else that would follow down the line. Work hard in elementary school? Sure, it "counts" in high school. Honors classes and AP tests in high school? Sure, it "counts" in college. The entire college experience? Sure, it helps you get a good job. Student teaching vs. emergency credential? Sure, student teaching because it helps to ensure success. Teaching job? Easiest thing ever because it is my passion. Buying a townhouse? Sure, you can move up to something bigger later. Moving to Arizona? Sure, because once we have kids I can stay home and we won't have to send them to daycare.

This was all fine and dandy up to a point. Teaching in California was my passion. Teaching in Arizona killed my passion. Infertility and miscarriage is stalling the whole kid thing.

I seem to be out of plans. So now what? I don't know what to do.

It is unnerving to be out of ideas. I don't like it.

I guess I could always paint the bathroom.

Top 100 Books

Evidently these are the top 100 books as voted by the public. I'm all about wasting time today, so here goes. Books I've read are in yellow. Books I've never read are in regular print. My comments in brackets.
1. The Da Vinci Code (Dan Brown)
2. Pride and Prejudice (Jane Austen)
3. To Kill A Mockingbird (Harper Lee)
4. Gone With The Wind (Margaret Mitchell) [I read this for the first time in 6th grade and I think I read it once a year through high school. Haven't touched it since]
5. The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King (Tolkien)
6. The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring (Tolkien)
7. The Lord of the Rings: Two Towers (Tolkien)
[I know, outrageous . . . I guess I'm just not a Lord of the Rings kinda gal. I haven't even seen the movies and I believe we even own them!]
8. Anne of Green Gables (L.M. Montgomery) [I was a huge Anne fan in late grade school.]
9. Outlander (Diana Gabaldon)
10. A Fine Balance (Rohinton Mistry)
11. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (Rowling)
12. Angels and Demons (Dan Brown)
13. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (Rowling) [Not yet, it's on my pile to read]
14. A Prayer for Owen Meany (John Irving)
15. Memoirs of a Geisha (Arthur Golden) [Though I did see the movie!]
16. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (Rowling) [Of course! Love the series, though I am a little behind]
17. Fall on Your Knees(Ann-Marie MacDonald)
18. The Stand (Stephen King)
19. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (Rowling)
20. Jane Eyre (Charlotte Bronte)
21. The Hobbit (Tolkien) [I know, shocking I haven't read this, or any of his other stuff. Haven't seen the movies either . . .]
22. The Catcher in the Rye (J.D. Salinger)
23. Little Women (Louisa May Alcott)
24. The Lovely Bones (Alice Sebold) [Definitely a haunting story, but I liked it]
25. Life of Pi (Yann Martel)
26. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (Douglas Adams)
27. Wuthering Heights (Emily Bronte)
28. The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe (C. S. Lewis)
29. East of Eden (John Steinbeck)
30. Tuesdays with Morrie (Mitch Albom) [I just love his stuff]
31. Dune (Frank Herbert)
32. The Notebook (Nicholas Sparks) [I love all NS books even though I usually cry]
33. Atlas Shrugged (Ayn Rand)
34. 1984 (Orwell)
35. The Mists of Avalon (Marion Zimmer Bradley)
36. The Pillars of the Earth (Ken Follett)
37. The Power of One (Bryce Courtenay)
38. I Know This Much is True (Wally Lamb)
39. The Red Tent (Anita Diamant)
40. The Alchemist (Paulo Coelho)
41. The Clan of the Cave Bear (Jean M. Auel)
42. Kite Runner (Khaled Hosseini)
43. Confessions of a Shopaholic (Sophie Kinsella) [This is the next series I want to start]
44. The Five People You Meet In Heaven (Mitch Albom)
45. The Bible [Well, not in it's entirety, but at least I've made an effort]
46. Anna Karenina (Tolstoy)
47. The Count of Monte Cristo (Alexandre Dumas)
48. Angela's Ashes (Frank McCourt) [This book always reminds me of my friend Gilja who loves depressing stories]
49. The Grapes of Wrath (John Steinbeck)
50. She's Come Undone (Wally Lamb)
51. The Poisonwood Bible (Barbara Kingsolver)
52. A Tale of Two Cities (Dickens)
53. Ender's Game (Orson Scott Card)
54. Great Expectations (Dickens)
55. The Great Gatsby (Fitzgerald)
56. The Stone Angel (Margaret Laurence)
57. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (Rowling)
58. The Thorn Birds (Colleen McCullough)
59. The Handmaid's Tale (Margaret Atwood)
60. The Time Traveller's Wife (Audrew Niffenegger)
61. Crime and Punishment (Fyodor Dostoyevsky)
62. The Fountainhead (Ayn Rand)
63. War and Peace (Tolsoy)
64. Interview With The Vampire (Anne Rice)
65. Fifth Business (Robertson Davies)
66. One Hundred Years Of Solitude (Gabriel Garcia Marquez)
67. The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants (Ann Brashares)
68. Catch-22 (Joseph Heller)
69. Les Miserables (Hugo) [I saw a stage version, does that count?]
70. The Little Prince (Antoine de Saint-Exupery)
71. Bridget Jones' Diary (Fielding)
72. Love in the Time of Cholera (Marquez)
73. Shogun (James Clavell) [Never even saw the movie]
74. The English Patient (Michael Ondaatje) [I did see this movie . . .]
75. The Secret Garden (Frances Hodgson Burnett)
76. Tigana (Guy Gavriel Kay)
77. A Tree Grows in Brooklyn (Betty Smith) [One of my favorites from elementary school]
78. The World According To Garp (John Irving) [I read this in elementary school too. Yes, I was a weird kid]
79. The Diviners (Margaret Laurence)
80. Charlotte's Web (E.B. White)
81. Not Wanted On The Voyage (Timothy Findley)
82. Of Mice And Men (Steinbeck)
83. Rebecca (Daphne DuMaurier)
84. Wizard's First Rule (Terry Goodkind)
85. Emma (Jane Austen)
86. Watership Down (Richard Adams) [This is one of the rare books that I have honestly hated and I only read it because I had to in 8th grade]
87. Brave New World (Aldous Huxley)
88. The Stone Diaries (Carol Shields)
89. Blindness (Jose Saramago)
90. Kane and Abel (Jeffrey Archer)
91. In The Skin Of A Lion (Ondaatje)
92. Lord of the Flies (Golding)
93. The Good Earth (Pearl S. Buck)
94. The Secret Life of Bees (Sue Monk Kidd) [I can't wait to read more by her]
95. The Bourne Identity (Robert Ludlum) [I tried to read this. I failed. Love the movie, though. Or is it just that I love Matt Damon?]
96. The Outsiders (S.E. Hinton) [Yet another favorite from elementary school]
97. White Oleander (Janet Fitch) [Was this a movie?]
98. A Woman of Substance (Barbara Taylor Bradford)
99. The Celestine Prophecy (James Redfield)
100. Ulysses (James Joyce)

For those keeping track, I think I counted 41 that I have read. Since high school I have read mostly brain candy, and that's OK with me! It means that I always read something that interests me and is fun for me. So how about posting a comment giving me your thoughts on something you have read?

10 Things About Me

Just another thing full of useless trivia making the internet rounds . . .

1. If you make sweet tea, do you use Luzianne, Lipton, or tell what ever your brand is.
Hmmm, I'm guessing this is referring to iced tea . . . we make Lipton or some fancy kind that Brian likes. And we don't sweeten it unless we use Sweet-n-Low. However, usually we just buy Trader Joes Iced Black Tea in the giant jug since we are more apt to make hot tea.
2. What brand of toilet paper do you use?
Cottenelle, since Brian hates single ply. Something about fingers poking through.
3. Which brand of bath soap do you use? Is it body wash or bar soap?
Always a body wash, but the brand and scent always totally depends upon my mood. Usually in the evening it is Johnson and Johnson's Lavendar. Mornings is something more refreshing.
4. Which cereal do you buy for yourself?
I LOVE cereal and we always have several different kinds in the house. I like Oatmeal Squares, Puffins, Oatmeal Raisin Crisp, and the list goes on and on. Sometimes I even indulge in Frosted Flakes. Which is especially yummy with frozen blueberries.
5. What brand of dishwasher detergent do you use? Is it liquid or tablets?
We recently switched to the little puffy pillow things that are part powder and part liquid. Nice and easy and we don't have to worry about Molly trying to lick the powder.
6. What is your favorite fruit to eat?
Hands down, fresh strawberries. But only if they are really good ones.
7.Which brand of laundry detergent do you use?
I guess I am a Tide gal. HE formula for the front loading washer.
8.Do you like chocolate?
Are you kidding?!?!? That's like asking my brother if he likes beer. (That would be a definitive and resounding "YES" for anyone who doesn't know my brother.)
9. Are you right handed or left handed?
I'm a southpaw, just like my daddy.
10. Do you still write checks or use a debit card?
I use the debit card in all retail establishments and don't even carry my checkbook with me.

Well now that you know my life, I would like to know yours as well, so if you do this I'll come visit if you leave a comment. Or, for those without blogs (and really, there is no excuse not to have one, it's fun!) you can copy and paste into an email. Have a great day!!