Full Circle

Three years ago, this month, I was in a horrible place. After a year of doctor visits, tests, procedures, a surprise pregnancy and miscarriage, I didn't know where to turn. Friends and family didn't know what to say to me, and frankly, were tired of hearing me go on about it. Finally, with nowhere else to turn, I came across Resolve and looked to see if there was a support group locally. There was not. However, I emailed the local contact person and asked if there was a chance of a West Valley group starting up. Surprisingly, within 10 minutes I (and several others) had an email from her detailing the start up of a new group in my area the following Monday. After I actually received a response to my first email I realized that our emails had just gotten crossed and it was just a weird fluke (or was it?) that just as I reached out for help it came my way.

So, a few days later I quite nervously set out for my first meeting. Since the group was just starting it was only me and the leader that night. It helped so much to sit and talk with someone who truly "got" it. Month after month I kept going and the group grew.

Eventually I stopped attending, once I got over (however "over" a person can get) my second miscarriage and had Andy to attend to. I did keep in touch with a few of the girls, as you may remember if you saw my post and pictures a month or two ago about a reunion we had.

Shortly after that I was asked by the leader of the group if I would take over the group as she would be stepping down. After thinking about it for a little while I decided to do it. The first meeting was a few weeks ago, and just like when I started, it was just me and one other gal. I was blessed to hear her story, and honored that I am in a position to offer understanding and support. Our next meeting is on Monday evening, and our group should be little larger. I'm looking forward to this next part of the journey and being able to offer support and understanding, which can be so difficult to come by sometimes.

From Tears to Smiles

Today was the day of my little support group reunion. Everyone was just coming over to my house with kids in tow so that the kids could play and us girls could visit and we could all have a little lunch together. Sounds nice, right? Apparently not to Brian. I guess he was afraid of being overrun by emotional girls and just too many kids. He left the house before anyone got here and didn't return until the coast was clear.

Here's what he missed . . .
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See? Didn't that look like fun? There weren't actually many tears until the very end of our little visit when we tried to get a group photo, and even then it was only kids who were crying.
It really did my heart good to get together with these girls. We each have a different story for our journey to parenthood, but we have a deep bond too. We've all shed tears together. We've all had heartbreak and felt hopeless. But now? We've arrived. And it's all smiles from here on out.

So please, if you are still on this journey through infertility, please reach out to others, in person. Nothing compares to having people locally who understand first hand where you are and are willing to hold your hand through the hard times and celebrate with you in the good times.

In fact, I was sitting with these girls when I got "the call" about Andrew.

How Far We've Come

Forgive me for getting a little sentimental here . . .

In June of 2007 I was in a horrible place. Over the previous year we had received our diagnosis of unexplained infertility, spent thousands on unsuccessful treatments, had a surprise pregnancy, heartbreaking miscarriage, and surgery. Also, my dad had suffered his accident and spinal cord injury. So, by June I just didn't know where to turn anymore. I was still so lonely here in Arizona and felt that absolutely nobody really understood what was happening here. I reached out to Resolve, and found that a support group was just starting, that very week, in fact. In a huge step outside of my comfort zone, I went. And I've never regretted it.

Within a very short time there was a group of 5 of us girls who were all fighting the same battle, but in very different ways. This group saw me through my unsuccessful IVF, then adoption homestudy and approval, the creation of our profile book, adoption match and placement, another pregnancy, and another miscarriage and surgery. In fact, I was sitting with this very bunch of girls when Brian called to tell me that we had been chosen!

I stopped going to the meetings a few months after my last miscarriage. It was just time to stop. However, I still kept up with my 4 main girls, even though the group had grown much larger, seeing some every once in a while too. And, well, none of us are involved with the Resolve group anymore.

Next weekend will be a very special, celebratory weekend. We are all getting together here at the house, complete with babies (and one baby belly!), for a reunion. I couldn't be more thrilled. We've all come so far, and all of our dreams have been realized.

So, Heather, Tara, Christine and Debby, I just can't wait!

Moving On

About a year and a half ago I attended my first Resolve infertility support group. I had finally gotten to the point where I realized that I seriously needed some real life support for this burden of infertility. There were groups that met downtown, or on the east side of the Valley, but nothing here in the west. I emailed the coordinator for the Phoenix area and asked if a west side group may be starting up soon. Seriously, less than 2 minutes later I had an email from her all about a new west side group that was starting up in just a couple of days. As it turns out it wasn't even a response to my email, but rather she was sending out a note to all members. Attending that first meeting, while very difficult to step out and do, has been an incredible blessing.

I found a leader who truly knew where I was and where I wanted to go. The monthly meetings took me through dealing with my miscarriage, through my IVF (the good, the bad, and the ugly), through our decision to pursue adoption, through completing the homestudy and profile book, through our match with Andrew's birth family, through his arrival, through my second pregnancy and miscarriage, and through Andrew's adoption finalization. I've met some wonderful people there, girls who I'm happy to call my friends. A friend who is just a friend now, and not just a fellow infertile.

The past couple of months have been weird, and my attendance has been sporadic. Though still quite infertile (or maybe sub fertile, since I've been pregnant a couple of times), I don't belong anymore. While I love being supportive of those still going through treatment, that support comes with a high price for me. It takes me back with a great big breath-sucking whoosh to a truly horrible and dark time. A time when I knew nothing but fear and failure. While I realize that this should be about supporting others, it just brings back so much pain that I can't offer the support I'd like to. Soooo, after the meeting tonight I told our leader that tonight was my last hurrah . . . . that I'm done. It's time for me to move on and let go.

A real life support group is very different from the support I've given and received from my bloggy buddies (which I also wouldn't trade for anything!). I'm touched deeply by what I read and respond with genuine emotion to my bloggy pals. However, I'm able to keep my feelings in check, and far from the surface. It's the live and in-person tears in the eyes and cracking voices that cut deep to my soul and get that whole whoosh thing going.

She asked me about becoming a leader. I was instantly flooded with fear. Well, maybe a smattering of flattery too, but mainly it was fear. Again, as much as I want to be supportive, and give back to a community that was really there for me in a very real way, I'm just not strong enough to do it now. Maybe later, after the wounds heal some more, but certainly not now.

For now it's just time to move on.

I'm Back, and I'm Almost Me Again

I'm ready to crawl out from under my rock where I have been hiding for the past couple of weeks. And let me tell you, it certainly hasn't been any fun here. The past couple of weeks have been really hard, and during that time I haven't been a very good blogger at all. I've been somewhat keeping up with what's going on with my bloggy friends, but I haven't been commenting at all. I've tried, but just haven't been able to come up with anything that might have been remotely helpful, so I've just kept quiet. And I do feel really bad about that, after all, everyone has been so wonderfully supportive and then I just wasn't capable of doing the same. I also have been pretty unresponsive to my real life friends as well. It just hasn't been a fun time. Oh, and I still haven't taken a sub job. I haven't worked since the middle of September.

Initially I tried to blame my rotten mood on plummeting hormone levels and the after affects of all of the fertility meds. However, it has really been more than that. Physically I just wasn't feeling well at all. I had been really tired and just didn't seem to have the energy to do anything. I was also suffering from frequent headaches and I wasn't sleeping well at night. I had no appetite, and when I did eat I would feel like I had rocks in my gut for hours afterwards. All I wanted to do was stay home and lounge around in my jammies. All I did was think, and worry, and obsess about what our next steps should be. And think and worry about what *might* happen months down the road. Plus, I've been really emotional. Everything would make me cry, at the drop of a hat. Really, not fun, or pretty.

Finally, about a week and a half ago I realized that this just wasn't right and I needed so help. So, I sent my acupuncturist an email explaining that I was feeling really out of whack and needed to get my whack back. He saw me the next day. It was an hour and a half of acupressure/acupuncture/guided meditation/therapy. And it helped. Just a little bit, but it got the ball rolling. I went back again on Thursday for another marathon session. And I feel much better, more like me.

Apparently my chi is blocked. What's blocking it? Stress and anxiety. So, I was told to take a teaspoon of organic apple cider vinegar before each meal to help with my tummy troubles. Yes, it is every bit as revolting as it sounds. However, it helped. It made me feel better. I've also been exercising just a little bit, mainly walking outdoors and getting some fresh air. And I've been listening to my guided meditations (thanks Meghan!) on my ipod. And I've been trying to focus on the here and now rather than worrying about the future. And I've decided not to decide anything until I'm feeling better.

I've also been getting together with some new people. Mainly some of the girls in my support group. In fact, go give Heather at Plans for a Hope and a Future a nice warm welcome as she is new to the blogging world. I also met a fellow Phoenix blogger, Steph of The Princess Shine Pages , and her little guy, for coffee. For those of you who are familiar with her, and even if you aren't, let me tell you that in person she is way fun and I'm looking forward to meeting up with her again. I've also started spending some time with my parents again. We went to the casino the other day and I spent yesterday helping to clean out the garage. I also participated in some retail therapy. I bought 3 pairs of shoes.

And now, the nitty gritty: the results of my poll about the IVF roller coaster. Yes, it seems that the overwhelming consensus is that we should try again. And I'm not ready to commit to that right now. We feel led to pursue fost/adopt. And it will happen whether or not we pursue another round of IVF. It really isn't an either/or type of situation. In fact, my greatest peace, at the moment, comes from thinking that I'm not going to do IVF again. After much angst (remember the entire first part of this post?) I'm finally ready to admit that my greatest fear isn't that another round of IVF won't work, but that it will. Yup, that's right. I'm afraid that it will work. And that I will miscarry again or have a super dangerous pregnancy. How crazy am I? So for now I'm not going to worry about it. For now I'm going to go along like I'm not going to do it again, but I'm reserving my right as a woman to change my mind. Because if I do it again I need to be excited about it. And right now I can't dredge up any excitement, though I can dredge up excitement about fost/adopt. Most importantly, I have a good two months to mull it over and decide if I really want this second chance, or if I am willing to walk away from it and not have regrets about it later.

While I take my time deciding, one way or another, at least I am on my way back to being me. And that should be good news to some folks. Because at least my house is clean again, I've been to the grocery store, and I've begun to cook and bake again.

Support Group Scoop

Last night was the first meeting of a newly forming Resolve support group on our side of the Valley. Unfortunately, it was also the first major monsoon storm of the season to come through here. Brian didn't even want me to go as it was going to be about a 35 minute drive. However, I had really been looking forward to it and had myself all talked into going. So, I went and really didn't have any trouble with the storm, though it put on quite a show.

Having said all this, it seems as though some gals might have had a little more sense than me and stayed out of the storm. The meeting consisted of just me and the leader! What an easy way to ease into a support group! I was very encouraged to hear her story. She has seriously been through it all and has made it through to the other side, eventually building her family in three very different ways.

She also had lots of really good advice about how to take things step by step and how not to get too overwhelmed. She also raved about the doctor I see, even though he was not her doctor, so that made me feel really good. Most importantly, she told me that absolutely everyone she knows who has gone through infertility has come out the other side of it with kids, one way or another. That was really good to hear. This will be over one day. She also encouraged me to actually call and go to a follow up appointment with my RE to get the "now what" questions answered. At least that way I won't have to worry about what he might or might not say.

Listening to her sort of humbled me too. It makes my year and a half struggle look like a walk in the park.

So, I have an appointment scheduled with my RE for first thing tomorrow morning. I'm sort of looking forward to what he has to say, and I hope to have some of my worries settled down.