Open Adoption Ponderings

In about a week we will be celebrating my favorite holiday of the year, Family Day. If you've been reading my blog for a while then you might remember that this is my own little made up holiday that marks the date in 2008 that Andrew's adoption was finalized. We celebrate by doing something together, and having a special cake, of course!

So here is my dilemma: Andy still doesn't have any idea that he was adopted, or at least he doesn't realize that he might have a clue. We sure haven't had any formal discussions with him. I mean, he sees pictures of his birth mom and him in the hospital, and of the two of them during visits, and we use her name, but he doesn't understand who she is. Actually, he doesn't have a clue that babies come from mommies. He's never spent any time around anyone pregnant, and if he has he hasn't noticed.

I guess I haven't gotten to the worry part yet. I'm worried that by the time Andy does begin to wonder about things it will be really upsetting to him. I've always wanted his knowledge about his adoption to be seemless and just something that he has always known, and not something that he just finds out one day. On the other hand, I don't want to give him too much information too soon either.

Maybe this year for Family Day I should break out a story book about adoption that we have. Any other ideas?

Family Day 2010

This weekend we will be celebrating Family Day. What? You don't know about this holiday? It comes around every year on October 25th. We celebrate by being together as a family (Wait, Brian is on-call this weekend. Come to think of it, he was on-call last year too.), something fun, and a fancy cake. Really, it's lots of fun and I look forward to it, even though I tend to get a little mushy and sappy. OK, I'll admit it . . . I sort of made up this holiday. But, I had a really good reason.

On October 25, 2010 we had Andy's adoption finalization hearing. All of these people

were in court to celebrate with us. Later more people joined us for a luncheon party (and yes, we had cake). And thus was born our first Family Day. Andy was just 3 months old and weighed in at a hefty 11 pounds.

Last year we celebrated quietly at home. My dad joined us, but my mom was out of town. Brian kept getting called in to work, but we did have cake.

This year the 25th falls on Monday, but that won't be a good day to celebrate at all. First of all, I have to return to school that day. I tutor after school, so I won't be leaving until 5:30. Then, I will be spending the evening leading the Resolve Peer Led Support Group for our side of the Valley. Hence, we will need to celebrate on Sunday. Of course we will have cake, but I wanted to do something else as well. I had thought about taking Andy to Build A Bear and letting him make a special toy. However, I just read that our mall has a new Lego store opening this weekend so it will be a complete zoo. Any ideas for me?

Oh, and on the 26th we celebrate Andy's second baptism birthday. Wasn't he a cute little peanut? I'll need to go to the Christian book store to pick out a little something for him.

So, any thoughts yet? Should I still try Build A Bear, or do you have a better idea?

Birth Family Visit

On Saturday we had a visit with Andrew's birthmom, A, her fiance, and her two daughters. It was only our third in-person visit since Andrew was born, and it was the first visit that we hosted at our home. Some of you may wonder if that was a little weird. Absolutely not! I think I can safely say that it was our best visit yet.

Our last visit was at the kids pizza joint with the giant, freaky rat. Andrew was simply not himself while we were there because it was just so chaotic and he didn't know what to make of it. I left that visit feeling sort of icky, well, rather sad, that A didn't get to see him being himself and his sweet personality. Afterward, Brian and I talked and we agreed that we felt comfortable having the next visit at our house.

I think our visits are also getting more comfortable because, well, we are actually having them. Plus, we keep in contact via texting and facebook as well. We all swam for a bit at first, then had a do-it-yourself taco bar, fresh fruit, and cupcakes for dinner. The kids played together really well and Andrew just couldn't stop loving on his 8 month old half sister. It was pretty cute.

At one point I asked A if she wanted to see Andrew's room. She told me that she really wanted to, but that she hadn't wanted to ask. We went right up and I gave her the tour. A loved his room, and bathroom too.

After about 3 hours our visit came to an end and we said good bye until next time. Andrew had hugs for all. I'm just continually amazed at how this relationship continues to grow. It is such a gift. First of all, I genuinely like A and care about how she is. I want her to see for herself how wonderful Andrew is and how much we completely adore him. I also want Andrew to know that she did, and does, love and care about him. I want him to know that she didn't just turn her back on him and forget about him.

Here it is 2 days later, and I've still got the warm fuzzies over how well everything went. This is exactly the feeling I want to carry with us through the years.

I do realize that our situation is very different from many other adoptions, and that works for us may not work for everyone. I also feel it's important to share how this does progress so that other families contemplating adoption can have a little snapshot about how it can work. I also would like our friends and family to understand, because I do realize that this is very different. Please, if you have any questions that I haven't touched on please ask away in the comments, or email me directly.

Jumbled Father's Day Thoughts

Brian's Father's Day celebration actually began last week when I gave him some bacon chocolate bars. I forget now why I gave them to him early, but it made sense at the time. You see, Brian is a huge fan of all things bacon. And I was right, this was a huge hit.

Also, last week Lindsay posted of their experience making bacon pancakes and when I told Brian about it he was incredibly jealous. Thus, bacon pancakes made it onto our morning menu for today. I suppose I shouldn't have been surprised then when Brian wanted chocolate chips added to his pancake. Personally, I passed on the chocolate chips, but the bacon pancakes were delicious nonetheless.
I then spent some time decorating this yummy chocolate monkey cake. Sadly for Brian, no bacon was involved. And really, there was no real point to the monkey cake other than the fact that I got a new cake pan for my birthday and I wanted to practice before Andy's birthday next month. And, you know, cake is a great reason to have people come over.
My parents joined us in the afternoon for cake and Andy time and we had a very nice visit. Considering all that has happened with my dad in recent years we are very lucky to be able to continue celebrating Father's Day with him.

While I am able to think about all of the ways that Brian is an awesome dad, from the way he calls Andy "my boy" to the way he chooses outfits for him and gets up with him at night, it's a little different. I say different because while I am honoring Brian for being a great dad to MY boy, and all the dads and grandpas in our lives, I am also thinking of a mom. Andy's birthmom. And I know it's an odd day to think of a mom, but stay with me. She is the one who made it possible for the love of my life to even BE a dad. And she is the one who has made it possible for me to see this whole other side of Brian. And so today I have deep and sincere gratitude to her for allowing us to love and parent this wonderful little boy who we love so dearly.

And on the other side of my gratitude is a teeny bit of jealousy. You see, she was able to do what I tried so hard to do but couldn't. She made my Brian a daddy.

More Open Adoption Thoughts

Let me start by saying that I am so incredibly glad that we do have an open adoption and I believe that it will be the best thing for Andrew.

But at the same time, it's hard. Really, really hard.

We've had visits scheduled this past week with Andrew's birthmom that haven't worked out because she has had to cancel. Now, I do understand that things happen and that things come up. That being said, I've been pretty disappointed. And at this point the disappointment is mine, not Andrew's. I'm hoping that I'll have a handle on it by the time he is old enough to understand.

I've just been so excited (and proud!) for her to see how awesome and wonderful he is in person. But, she has a lot going on in her life right now and things change for her very quickly sometimes.

To further complicate things (for me, anyhow) I want to help her so much, but I really can't. She's told me that she admires and looks up to me, but I'm not comfortable giving her the depth of guidance that she needs. Or rather, that I think she needs. And maybe that's the problem.

She has lived a life that I can't even imagine, and it isn't fair for me to open my big mouth. And in the meantime, we just go day by day as our collective relationship continues to grow and change. While it's kinda neat, it's also kinda scary. It isn't like there is a manual to refer to or anything.

Birthmom Visit

On Sunday night went to the local kid's pizza and game joint featuring the giant rodent. (As a side note, we had never step foot in the place before, and hope to NEVER again.) I'm actually the loser who picked the place, thinking it would be a fun place to have our visit with A (Andy's birthmom), her fiance, 6 year old daughter, and 5 month old daughter. Little did I know that there wouldn't even be a table big enough for all of us to sit together. There also wasn't much that Andy could do, plus he was completely overwhelmed by all of the noise, lights, people, games, and activity. I'm just so proud of him and I had hoped that A would be able to see more of his cute little personality.

But, back to the purpose of the visit. It was great to see A again, and especially to see her joy at seeing Andy. As we talked I was so appreciative of hearing how pleased she is with her decision to place him with us. It helps so much to know that she isn't having any regrets. Andy was able to meet his half-sisters, and was quite tickled with the baby. It was really cute to see.

Even though I was a little nervous beforehand, I didn't need to be. I was at ease immediately. I think A was in the same boat as me. Each time we talk on the phone, text, or meet this seems to get easier. And that's a great feeling. Even though Andy is too little to realize what is going on I think it's important that by the time he is old enough that our visits feel very comfortable and natural. We are definitely heading in that direction, and for that I'm grateful.

They will be in town again over the 4th of July and we've talked about getting together again then, in a much more relaxed setting. In the meantime, we took more pictures and Andy continues to see A's pictures in our digital picture frame. We talk about what her name is, and hopefully next time he will be able to say it.

Becoming More Open

I'm already pretty open, much to the annoyance of some, I'm sure. But that's not what I'm talking about today. Rather, once again I'm trying to define the parameters of open adoption. Specifically, our open adoption.

As I've mentioned before, the nature of open adoption isn't static. It can change and develop over time with the needs of the triad . . . parents, child, and birthmom. And it seems, to be fair, that each part's needs should be considered equally. Right now Andy is too little to have much of a say in the matter, but his needs are what motivate me.

Since December I've had much more contact with A, Andy's birthmom, than in all the time before that. Sometimes we talk on the phone, but more often its texting. In fact, some of our more meaningful exchanges have happened via text. Right at the beginning of spring break I got a text from A saying that she had been watching "The Locator" and her thoughts came to Andrew and me and she just wanted to say 'thank you' and let me know that we are in her thoughts daily. I was very touched, and answered that it is my true hope that neither she, nor Andrew, ever have to search for each other.

This weekend A will be passing through town with her current fiance, 6 year old, and 5 month old. We will be meeting at a kid's pizza joint for a visit. I'm so excited for her to see Andrew and to see how amazing he is. I'm excited to take pictures of all of us together. I'm excited for Andrew to know just how blessed we are by A. For him to know just how much he's loved by all of us.

But I'm nervous, too. With each little step forward toward more openness I look around, from side to side and front to back. It's a little like walking on an ice covered lake, I suppose. I wonder which little step forward will send us crashing through the broken ice, putting us in emotional peril. I feel responsible not only for Andrew, but for A as well. I also need to look out for Brian's heart, and mine as well.

There isn't really a handbook to tell us how to do this. It's really up to all of us to figure it out as we go. So far it seems as though we are all navigating very slowly, which is a good thing. It allows us time to process and contemplate next steps and to just basically figure things out.
For now I just feel fortunate that we haven't had any conflicts, or hurt feelings, or closed doors. We still have the utmost respect and admiration for each other.

And so I'll stop here, promising to revisit the topic after our get-together this weekend. In the meantime, I'll be searching for the perfect outfit for Andrew, and hoping that the bruise on his forehead from falling into a coffee table fades away.

Going With the Flow of Open Adoption

One of the first things you learn when exploring the waters of domestic open adoption is that no two situations are ever the same. You also learn that the relationship that develops is fluid, rather than static, and that its course of development is really up to the people involved. In reality, it's like any human relationship in that the people involved navigate its course. This really shouldn't be surprising, but in a way it is. I guess it's a surprise since not too many relationships are based upon legal agreements for future contacts.

As I've mentioned before, we don't have (and haven't had) any contact with Andrew's birthfather. I find that I rarely, if ever, even think of him. We have photos, but they are put away and not part of our albums. There is no relationship here, and I doubt there ever will be.

Our relationship with Andrew's birthmom, A, is quite different. Our contact hasn't followed our legal agreements, but that is because of her choices and circumstances. The three of us met with her in December 2008, but for the following year we had no direct contact. I'd send photos and notes monthly, per our agreement, and I would hear updates from our social worker, but we had no personal contact.

This past December I got a message from our social worker that A would like to chat sometime. I called her and we had a great conversation catching up and left the door open for future contact. Since then I've been concerned about some of her situations, but really there isn't much I can do. I don't feel it's proper for me to call and check up on her, so I wait to hear from her.

Yesterday I wanted to mail something to A, so I texted her asking for her address, having a hunch it may have changed. She immediately sent it to me, but also mentioned that things had been really hard for her. Last night she called and we talked for quite a while.

This is just all so weird. I mean, I'm glad we talk, and I'm honestly concerned about how she is and how she is getting along. But, even though we don't know each other super, super well, there is without a doubt a bond between us that seems to defy logic. Even though we have a legal contact agreement it's essentially worthless in that it is completely meaningless in defining our relationship.

And maybe that's it . . . I guess I thought that our relationship would be nice and neat and defined by this legal document. In reality, the relationship is defined by A and me at this point. And like most relationships in life, it continually changes and grows with time and according to the needs of the people involved.

I can't say where things will go and how they will change and develop over time, but I do need to be open to the possibilities and follow my heart. After all, Andrew is the bond that joins us. And for him this relationship is treasured.

Seemingly Fickle

I've really been reflecting upon my inability to get going on updating our profile book. Brian and I have been doing lots of talking, and my little brain has been working overtime. We've made a decision, but it isn't one that I'm really happy about and quite honestly, it's taking me some getting used to.

We've decided that we aren't going to pursue another adoption.

While we would love, love, love to have another child, we just aren't comfortable with the financial repercussions of another adoption. It was just time to face reality.

We don't have the luxury of waiting for a few years, and then pursuing another infant adoption. We'll be too old then.

We've always wanted two kids. Even in the midst of our infertility and miscarriage struggles I never really doubted that once we worked things out we'd have the size family we always dreamed of. So this decision is really hard on my little brain right now. It's just an adjustment to my thinking that I hadn't really considered.

On the other hand, I do realize, quite deeply, how incredibly lucky and blessed we are with our sweet Andy. It's with thoughts of him that we realize that we can't really jeopardize his financial future as well. There are so many experiences we want to give him, and the experience of having a sibling just won't be one of them.

Brian likes to remind me that as kids we both wished to be only children, so, in a way, Andy will have our childhood dreams.

I'm sure that in time I'll adjust to our decision, but for now it makes me sad and wistful.

Self-imposed Deadline

Back in September we had our home study renewed, giving us another 18 months where we are deemed "acceptable" to adopt. After talking about it for a couple of weeks we decided that we were ready to let our agency know of our intentions to give it another shot. I spoke with our social worker and she said that the only thing she needed from us would be our updated profile book. Knowing how busy the end of the year would be, and knowing that we aren't in a huge rush, I told her I would get it to her after the holidays.

And now, the end of the holidays are approaching, and I haven't made any progress with our book. In a way I'm dreading the process of being "chosen" and "waiting". Even though we had the most perfect adoption experience, I'm filled with apprehension and fear this time. I worry that since everything worked out perfectly last time, that this time will be traumatic. I know. Crazy.

So this morning I pulled our our profile book and read it from cover to cover. There are certainly some changes to be made, like adding a page for Andy, and changing some wording. I have plenty of pictures to choose from, and lots of scrapbooking paper, stickers and embellishments to use to bring it all together. I think I need to let things mull around in my brain for a while, and I'll start the actual work in a day or two.

This time is different. I don't feel the weight of the world rests on this little profile book. If we appeal to someone, great. If not, that's OK too. We are only prepared to wait as long as our home study is still valid. We'll only renew again if we are in the midst of an adoption. Otherwise, we will know that we gave it a shot, and we'll know that our family is perfectly complete just the way it is.


*And by the way, this is my 400th post!

The Nature of Open Adoption

Before we really considered adoption too seriously I had all sorts of ideas about what open adoption was like. Actually, I guess I just really had one idea, and to be completely honest, it sort of scared me. My impression felt a little like co-parenting and seemed sort of bothersome. Let me be the first to point out that my initial impressions were very ignorant on my part. After we started to learn about it, and the different forms that it takes, it wasn't nearly as scary. In fact, in very short order I was able to see and embrace the short term and long term benefits of open adoption. What's important to know and remember is that there are varying levels of openness and also the timing of the openness. Some adoptions are open up until placement of the child, and some remain open for some months or years afterwards. Some of you might not know what open adoption even is. At it's most basic, it means that the birth family and adoptive family know something about the other, even meeting in person or over the phone. It also means that there may be an agreement between the families for communication after placement, whether it be by mail, phone, or in person. Most important, after the adoption finalization all degrees of openness are totally within the control of the adoptive parents. If contact just isn't working out for the best interest of the child then the adoptive family has the right to stop contact.

For us, we have found that our open adoption has even changed from where we were a year ago. When we met Andrew's birth parents last year, (let's call them John and Jane) we thought we knew what to expect. What has transpired hasn't been better, or necessarily worse, just different. At the time John and Jane weren't too sure about how much contact they would want to have later. They were mature enough to know that their needs and desires may change over time. We promised that we would never ask for more contact than they were willing to live with. At the time, as per the recommendation of our agency, we agreed to provide monthly pictures for the first year, then 3 times a year until Andrew is 18. We also agreed to in-person visits at 3 months and then every 6 months.

Our situation was a little different in that Andrew was born a month early so our attorney hadn't had a chance to draft our contact agreement. John and Jane agreed to sign termination papers before the contact papers were ready. However, very shortly after Andrew's birth John and Jane split up, and have since divorced. Due to some actions on the part of John, both our social worker and attorney advised us not to have any sort of contact agreement with him. So, our contact agreement is solely with Jane. We haven't seen John since leaving the hospital almost a year ago. We also have not provided him with any pictures or letters. However, each month I have carefully and thoughtfully prepared a package for Jane and we last met with her in December.

I've thought quite a bit about how all of this will affect Andrew as he grows up. I want him to have positive feelings about John and Jane. I want to be able to tell him about how much they loved him and cared about him having a good life, one that they felt unable to provide for him. I know in my heart that this is true of Jane, after all, we spent a lot of time together and talking before Andrew was born. Also, our visit in December was wonderful, Jane is so proud of her decision to place him with us. As to be expected, Jane has taken steps to get on with her life. She has remarried and moved out of state. So, it's seeming pretty unlikely that she will be calling the agency to set up a visit now, or anytime soon. I feel like the more time passes the less likely it will be. However, when he learns the details (the ones I haven't shared here) I worry about how it will make Andrew feel. I want to protect him.

Something unexpected happened yesterday. B was home, so I left Andrew with him while I ran an errand to the drug store. I usually go through the drive thru to pick up prescriptions, but since Andrew was at home I went inside since I had some other shopping to do. I shopped for several minutes, before finally making my way with a shopping cart back to the pharmacy. There were a couple of people milling around the counter, as if they were waiting for something. I really wasn't paying attention since I was still shopping around. Eventually I looked towards the counter and saw the guy in profile. Something looked familiar, but my gaze continued to scan along the counter. He turned the rest of the way around and I caught his eye. He recognized me in the quick second before I recognized him. Before I could even think to say anything he and the girl had high-tailed it out of the store. It was John.

It really bothers me that he didn't want to talk to me. I'm sure he has no idea about what I do or don't know about what has happened with him since we last saw him. I had no desire to bring up any of that. I had no desire to ask anything of him. I just wanted him to know that Andrew is wonderful, and we have been so very blessed to have been chosen to be his parents. The fact that he ran away makes me feel like he doesn't care, like he was rejecting Andrew. That's not what this adoption was supposed to be like. It makes me a little sad. OK, a lot.

So, I guess what I'm trying to say is that the nature of open adoption can change over time. A year ago I thought it was all about what would be good for Jane and Andrew. Now I realize that I have a part in it as well, that I'm missing out. Right or wrong, I don't know. What I do know is that it is likely that my ideas about open adoption will evolve as we continue to go through it. And don't get me wrong . . . I'd do it again in a heartbeat!

Staying in the Game

On Friday morning the social worker from our adoption agency came over to get us started on the process to recertify our home study. Our current home study expires in September, so now is the time to get the ball rolling. While seemingly an easy decision to go forward with this, it really wasn't.

Hands down, we would love, love, love to have a second child. Frankly, the sooner the better. However, we still have a looooonnnng way to go paying for the first adoption as well as all of the failed treatment cycles. And let's just say that I have no intention of charging our next baby to Visa!

So, while we are updating our home study, we are not ready to have our agency shop us around yet. By having our home study current we will be all set if something just falls into place, without the need to pay agency fees (that's the killer part of this!). Otherwise, we have another year to give us the opportunity to win the lottery.

Adoption Homestudy

Here in Arizona a homestudy, required for adoption, is a little different from most other states in the country. Arizona is one of only 2 states that require a judge's signature to make it official. In most other states a social worker can give the final stamp of approval. But here, a social worker writes the report, it gets submitted to juvenile/family court, and a judge makes the final determination. So, it takes a little longer to get it done here. Once approved it is valid for a year and a half. Our expires in September, which means the time to act is now, before it expires. Luckily, it is possible to simply renew our homestudy. There is much less paperwork to complete, and the cost is a mere $800 instead of the $1400 for a full homestudy.

So, I contacted our social worker to let her know that we are ready to renew. Basically, we just need to have her come out to scope out the house again. She'll just be checking to see that we haven't dismantled our pool fence and that we haven't taken to storing our kitchen knives on the coffee table in reach of our now crawling baby. She'll also be looking to see that we haven't slipped into a lifestyle of filth and sloth. I'm sure we'll have to have our fingerprints redone and reassemble our latest tax returns and pay stubs and banking records.

I suppose you may be wondering why we are renewing the homestudy at all. Well, we need to have a current homestudy to be eligible to adopt. No, we haven't got anything in the works. And no, we aren't yet ready to board the roller coaster of having our profile shopped around to expecting birthmoms. Even though we aren't ready for another adoption right now, we aren't ready to walk away from it and be done, either. I have much more to say about open adoption, and our experience with it, and how it feels looking back on it, but that will have to wait for another day.

Peeking Over the Edge

Every now and again I let my thoughts wander into the realm of adopting again. Usually fear scurries those thoughts right back out of my mind. But as a little time passes, the thoughts return again, and scurry again, and return again. You get the idea.

We would like another child. Adoption is really the only realistic way that can happen. However, after having such a successful outcome with Andrew, considering it again really isn't so easy. In fact, it is much more difficult. Last year it was a very easy decision to make and we just went with it. As you know, we had a great experience all the way around and really couldn't have asked for anything better.

However, since there aren't any guarantees in life, we know that should we pursue adoption again we risk all of the scary stories we have heard. And maybe I'm just not the risk taker that I was last year. I loved, and love, our agency. They were fantastic and really held our hands through the whole process. I would use them again in a heatbeat and I regulary refer them to my friends. I just don't know if I'm willing to be tied to a phone again and feel like I'm always waiting for something.

As an aside here, my thoughts aren't really coming out right at all. Well, they sort of are, but it just isn't sounding right. Ugh.

We want to adopt again. It's the waiting and work that leads up to it that seems so daunting, and risky, right now. Does the fact that I'm leary mean that I don't want this badly enough? I really don't think so. It's just that for some reason I'm hesitant to just jump right in. I like things how they are right now, but I also know that since adoption is so unpredictable you need to allow some time.

I'm still having trouble here, even just explaining why I'm having trouble. I guess now you will understand why I feel like I'm peeking over the edge.

As You Wish!

First, even though you all voted overwhelmingly against it, let me say "Go Angels!" Hopefully they'll get a victory tonight to bring the series back to Anaheim. Now to the topic the readers asked me to address.

I will admit that when Christy and I first started talking about the possibility of adopting I had a few concerns. The biggest of which was whether or not I could accept an adopted child as my own and be able to give it the unconditional love that it deserves. I was worried that if the baby didn't look like either of us or even just knowing that we didn't share any genetic material that I would always have that in the back of my mind and be distant with the child. Well, I was worried about nothing. I can honestly say that I love Andy with all my heart and I can't imagine not having him around. The adjustment was quick and complete.

Something that helped greatly was the birth parents. They made it clear that they wanted the child to have a good home and to be loved deeply. The fact that they chose us made me realize not only that I could love this child, but others knew I could as well. I thought I could, but if they knew I could then the only thing stopping me was me. When Andy was born, letting myself love him was the easiest thing in the world. When we were with him in the nursery, just minutes after he was born, I realised that he was our baby. Admittedly, I got a little teary and I turned to Christy and said "We have a baby." From that point on I was deeply attached to him. Conveniently, I happen to work at the hospital where he was born. Every few hours I went to the NICU to hold him. He was my baby.

One of the most special things about being a new parent is holding a little baby. They are so delicate and fragile. Not long after we brought Andy home, I was holding him curled up in a little ball on my chest. He was snuggling in holding tight to my shirt. It was at that moment that I realized that he needs me. For almost four years it was about how much we wanted and needed a baby. Suddenly it became about how much this baby needs us.

It's only been eleven weeks, but I can tell you that my life has been changed forever and I can't imagine ever having to be without Andy. I am excited to have the opportunity to watch my son grow and evolve and mature and I can't wait to watch him go through many of the great experiences life has waiting for him.

So yes, at first I was a little apprehensive about bonding with an adopted baby. As soon as Andy was born all of those fears went right out the window. I couldn't be more excited about being a dad and I couldn't be happier to have Andy for a son.

Evolution

I'm going to tell you my story of evolution by way of Adoption Stories on whatever cable channel it is that shows them. (Sorry, I can't keep it straight, I just call it the baby channel.)

Before I knew that we were cursed with infertility I would watch Adoption Stories (hereafter known as AS) whenever I happened upon them while flipping channels. The stories were always so sweet and heartwarming. At the end of each show I felt so happy for the families. I'd move along to something else and not give it another thought.

After the official struggle with infertility began I would still watch AS and sometimes even episodes that I had already seen. This time the shows left me with a huge amount of fear. Fear that we might have to go this very same road. Fear that it wasn't something we could do. Fear that if we pursued adoption we would be the family waiting 18 years for a baby. I was no longer happy at the end of each episode.

As our struggle continued and I was on a quest to learn everything about all of our options I would make B tivo each episode of AS so that I wouldn't miss it. This time I watched with an eye towards learning all I could about the various kinds of adoption. And yes, some of the episodes I had seen before. I would later talk to B about what I had learned, nearly boring him to tears with stories. At the end of these episodes I would feel detached and matter-of-fact and all business. After all, I was on a quest for knowledge.

Once I stopped treatment and we began the adoption process I again insisted that B tivo the shows for me. Once every week or two I would go through and delete everything that wasn't about domestic infant adoption. As I watched the shows (and yes, many I had seen several times by now) I now had a different angle. I hung onto every word, every detail. I wanted to know all about open and semi-open adoption. I cried for their losses. I cried for their joy at the end. At the end of each episode I felt like I had just witnessed a fairy tale. I was hoping for our fairy tale, but wasn't sure it would come.

Around May I relieved B of his tivo duties. By then I had seen every episode about domestic adoption several times. I could narrate the episodes myself. I just couldn't watch anymore. My viewing of AS came to an end. Until a few days ago, when I happened to catch an episode while channel surfing and rocking Andy.

This time as I watched I noted comparisons with our own adoption story. And it made me teary, but in a good kinda way. At the end of the show my joy for the families had returned. And my faith in fairy tales was restored. Now I know that fairy tales can come true. WE are a fairy tale come true.

And that's the story of my evolution through Adoption Stories.

Do you have your own story of evolution? Will you share?

Deal or No Deal?

Well, our hearts told us "No Deal" on this situation. Ultimately we felt that the entire situation was way to risky on a number of levels. So, I called the social worker yesterday and told her as much and we won't be meeting with the birthmom tomorrow.

We are confident that when we are presented with the right situation we will feel it deeply in our hearts. That just hasn't happened yet.

And so, we continue to wait.

Nothing is Ever Easy

Arghhhh!

Today brings us good news, bad news and a tough decision.

The good news? Our social worker called today. A birthmom picked us and wants to meet us.

The bad news? The entire situation is almost everything we always said we didn't want.

Our decision? Well, it hasn't been made yet, which I guess really is a decision. I mean, wouldn't a "yes" have been a "yes" right away? Anyhow, we are still considering things and waiting for clear direction from our hearts. Please say a little prayer for us that we do the right thing.

Further Thoughts and Clarifications

Looking on the bright side of things, the past several days have been ones of intense evaluation and discussion, sprinkled with a touch of clearing the air. On the dark side, there has been much upset, and hurt, tears, and sleepless nights. In addition to reaction here on my blog there have been phone calls and private emails, most of which were positive and supportive. There are many things I need to say here in an effort to clarify, and I apologize now if I jump around a little bit, or even a lot.

My original post was meant to share what has been weighing on my heart, not to point fingers and blame specific people. I was expressing the effect of the words on me, and my initial gut reaction, which still lingered. My feelings are valid, my concerns and worries are perfectly normal for people going down this path of infertility, miscarriage, loss and adoption. Therefore, while it may not make sense or seem logical to folks who haven't been in our shoes, it doesn't mean that we are wrong.

I was purposely very vague about who, specifically, said these statements to us, and even to which of us it was said. Therefore, I wasn't able to relay things exactly as it happened. I will continue to be vague here so as not to call out any individual family identities.

One of my main points, which I apparently didn't convey very well, is that while these types of remarks may be expressed by strangers, and we expect it from strangers, we were initially quite surprised and shocked to hear this from family. I did not see it as a family member trying to show love and support by forcing us to hear what we may not want to. I am well aware of the fact that strangers will say cruel, insensitive, and ignorant things. Some will be things already mentioned, some will be different. I won’t like it, I won’t agree with it, but will be able to brush it off by remembering that these strangers are likely vastly uninformed and unaware about our situation.

I should also mention that back when this all originally happened, a month ago, we did ask for clarification as to what we can expect as far as support should we ultimately make an unpopular decision. Unequivocally we can expect love and support for our child. I understood this then, and I understand it now. What I tried to express is that it was shocking to hear this from family, when I fully expected it from strangers. I am still in a tender, sensitive place for all things associated with our journey through infertility, miscarriage and loss. I worry about things that may not ever come to be. This is where I am. I make no apologies for it.

That said, I do really appreciate all of the support I have received here. The summation of what I have taken away from all of your comments is that one day this will all be water under the bridge. It will all work out. Eventually our child will be an integral part of our entire family.

Another Loss, of Sorts

Apparently infertility has struck yet again. Not recently, after all, it reared it's ugly head about a month ago. Its just been simmering in my soul since then. Of course, by the time I get done resurrecting the issue here it could turn out to be just plain old insensitivity and not infertility after all. Or maybe infertility induced insensitivity?

Here's what happened. . . Remember about a month ago when our agency presented our profile to a birthmom? Well, it was much sooner than we expected since our homestudy hadn't even been signed off by a judge yet. The situation didn't feel "right" for us due to a number of issues, but we decided to go ahead with our profile just to get some feedback and see what happened. Well, namely we were looking for feedback about our PROFILE, not our decisions. And we were looking for feedback from our agency and a real live birthmom. Instead, we got feedback from family.

A certain family member, who shall remain nameless, shared thoughts and concerns with us. Namely, after hearing details of the situation, concern was expressed that we are "desperate" and should be very careful about making decisions too quickly. And that, specifically, we can afford to be "choosy". Quite bluntly, we could afford to hold out and wait for a white baby. I'm not going to go into everything that was said, but these were the two specific comments that dug the deepest. When I heard this I was completely dumbstruck, and very hurt, on a number of levels. And the hurt lingers. We were totally unprepared for this type of "concern".

My immediate response to the "desperate" comment was anger. Anger that we would be judged like this after all we had been through. Anger at being labeled by someone who had never had to deal with infertility or miscarriage. From someone who doesn't know the depths of the despair that comes from these losses. And who doesn't know the peace that has come into our lives and our marriage since we have stopped fertility treatments and begun the adoption process. Anger because no effort was ever made to find out how we really feel.

While in the midst of treatments I will admit to feeling desperate. Desperate to have a child that would be loved and accepted by our families and friends. Truthfully I would have been happy to stop treatments lots sooner and start adoption proceedings much sooner. However, I was concerned that family members would be disappointed in us for not doing absolutely everything possible to have a biological child. And so we did. We desperately pursued every treatment possible (and took on lots of debt) in the effort to produce a child that our families would be able to feel connected to, and would be proud to claim. And after achieving nothing but failure we were able to pick ourselves up, dust off, and embrace our new reality. I can easily speak for both Brian and I that we are happier than we have been in years and we feel such peace now. We know we will be parents. There is no more guessing about the "how". And we can be patient waiting for the "when". For now. But I feel like crap for making such an effort to try to keep everyone happy, and now we are having our decisions questioned.

And now for the "choosy" comment. That just plain pisses me off! First of all, because there are much more important issues to us than ethnicity. Like, I don't know, how we relate with the birthfamily, health, disabilities, and history of mental illnesses, just to name a few. 'Nuff said.

And now for the aftermath. I'm hurt. I feel like our child will not be unconditionally accepted and loved by all of our family. I feel like I will wonder about true feelings, motives, and sincerity. And that hurts, and feels like a whole new loss on top of the other losses we've suffered. And it just sucks. I've been struggling with this and I'm just not sure what to do with all of these feelings.