Pregnant Thoughts

This post has been floating around La-La Land here in various forms for a while now. I've been hesitant to put my thoughts into words, let alone putting those words into the blogosphere. If anyone is reading this, then I did eventually hit "publish", casting aside all reasonable thought and acts of self-preservation. I know that not everyone will understand me. Shoot, it is likely that nobody will. However, most will still offer support and assure me that I'm not a freak and that, in fact, I'm perfectly reasonable in my thoughts. It isn't likely that someone will come right out and tell me that I am an awful excuse for a woman and that I got what I deserved. Some may think it, but I doubt anyone will actually say it to me. And I'm pretty sure that if anyone even thinks it that the "someone" must not have ever walked in my shoes and is completely lacking even the most basic of empathetic skills. In fact, the more I think about, and write about, "Someone" then less I like them and the less I care what they think. So why the hesitancy here? Maybe it isn't the imagined cruel response of some judgmental person, but rather the act of actually sharing of my thoughts, and claiming them as my own, that scares the bejesus out of me.
Hmmm, I've written a lot here, yet I still haven't said anything.

This most recent miscarriage has thrown me for a loop. Not that it happened, because believe me, I knew that was a very real possibility. The loop comes from how I feel about it. I guess the best way to put it is that I have such mixed feelings.

When I first found out I was pregnant I was freaked out, to say the least. Complete surprise was probably my biggest emotion, followed quickly by joy and then disbelief. The adoption was in the works at the time, and we were just waiting for the birth. I can't tell you the number of people who said, "Now that you are adopting you will get pregnant". I would just look away, knowing that I was already pregnant, yet also knowing that the pending adoption had absolutely nothing to do with me getting knocked up. I also felt a great deal of relief in thinking that maybe this was our answer to having our family completed. One adopted child, one biological child, all within 9 months. Irish twins. I felt like we finally had a winning lottery ticket. Life was finally going our way. My next emotion was panic. How were we ever going to pull this off? Two family leaves from school in the same year? How would we afford two kids on formula and in diapers and daycare? The panic continued full throttle once we brought Andy home. I was sick all day and awake all night. Worry was with me constantly, but it wasn't just worry about two babies in the house at the same time because actually that sounded like some fun. A lot of work, but fun, and oh what a joy to have our family complete. The worry came from being sick and tired and afraid that something would go wrong with either the baby or me.

Then we found out that this pregnancy might not be viable. At 7 1/2 weeks parts were measuring a little behind. By then I was sick, and tired, and annoyed to be facing this again. The waiting over the next week and a half through further testing and ultimately surgery was really rough. I wanted to be enjoying my new baby at home, but found myself distracted about the doomed baby within me. I felt robbed of the opportunity to give Andy a sibling. Then I got pissed. I just wanted it to be over.

After surgery I felt much better. A load had been lifted. The worry was gone. No more worries about my health, a growing baby within me, finances, another leave from school. I was free to just love on Andy without feeling sick or worried. I'm ashamed, so ashamed, to admit it . . . but I felt relieved to have miscarried.

To be continued, another time . . . .

The Stings Keep Coming

Last year when I was pregnant I did something pretty stupid. And it's something that newly pregnant people do all the time, even optimistic infertile ones. What was this transgression? Well, after having a healthy heartbeat confirmed I relaxed a little, and, apparently, became a little too confident. In addition to signing up online for various pregnancy updates I also ordered a subscription to Fit Pregnancy magazine. By the time the subscription actually made it to my mailbox at the end of the street my pregnancy was done and over with. In fact, I believe that the bill from the last ultrasound came on the same day as the magazine. Ouch. I cried. Then I tried emailing to end my subscription. I even sent a letter via snail mail. The magazine never did stop. Each time I found another one in the mailbox it stung a little less and eventually I quit crying about it and started to just shake my head. Each magazine was added to the others before it on the bookshelf. I just got my last issue in April. I gave them all away to a pregnant co-worker a couple of weeks ago. Finally, it was behind me. Or was it?

Yesterday in the mail I received a big, thick 9x12 envelope. I didn't recognize the return address and couldn't imagine what it might be. Inside I found a letter. From the publisher of Fit Pregnancy. The letter explained that since I allowed my subscription to expire they missed me, and as such, had included a copy of another magazine, Mom and Baby. I didn't cry. But I did shake my head, and even chuckled a little bit, as I resisted the urge to stuff it back in the envelope and mail it back to the publisher along with a surly letter. I realize that the person who made the decision to use this method to retain customers is only thinking of the 95% of pregnant women who will go on to have a real live baby, however, how come nobody ever thinks of those who aren't blessed with a real live baby at the end of a pregnancy? Is it really too much to ask?

What's the Deal with NaComLeavMo?

If you want to know the answer you will have to skip down a little bit, because the first part of this post is for those NaComLeavMo participants who haven't been to my blog before. So, to get you up to speed I'll share a little bit of my story. Two years ago my hubby, Brian, and I were diagnosed with unexplained infertility. Months of Clomid did nothing for me. I quit my teaching job so that I would have time to pursue more aggressive fertility treatments. I did a medicated(injectible) IUI and just as we found out it didn't work my dad suffered a terrible fall. He broke his neck in 3 places and is now a quadriplegic. After taking a couple of months off to deal with this new family situation I did 2 more medicated IUI's. They didn't work either. We were ready to head to IVF, however, before the cycle could start we hit the jackpot, or so we thought. I had a natural pregnancy, and things looked great, heartbeat and all, until about 10 weeks when a routine ultrasound showed that there was no longer a heartbeat. Game over, time for a D&C. 4 months later we began the IVF cycle. It started great, but ultimately failed for no good earthly reason. This happened last October. By December we had chosen a domestic adoption agency and in January we started the home study process. By March our home study was approved and profile ready for viewing. We came close to being chosen by a birthmom for her twin daughters, but ultimately came in #2. Our latest opportunity for a match was a few days ago, but we decided to sit that one out. And now you are completely caught up. Wow, looking back at this paragraph it really doesn't seem all that bad, but it sure has felt like going to Hell and back.

It isn't all doom and gloom. I've learned some great things during this time. Brian is truly a champ. If we can get through this I'm confident we can get through anything. I have also learned who I can expect support from, and, um, who I can't expect support from. Even that is a good thing though because it is just as important to know who will let you down as who will lift you up. And this whole infertility bloggyland has been a shining light through the whole journey.

Well, if you have ever been to wonder Mel's site then you already know. And if you are yourself a participant then you already know. Basically it is a way to spread bloggy love through the blogosphere. One of the funnest things about blogging is getting comments. It's wonderful to hear from people who truly get what you are talking about and a great way to make bloggy friends. So, participants have agreed to leave 5 comments, and return 1 comment, each day from May 25th through June 25th. And truly, how could I not participate in something that started on my birthday? Now, I am already a pretty good commenter, but the trick here is to visit new blogs. If you would like more info then just click on my side bar icon for NaComLeavMo.

My experience with NaComLeavMo thus far has been fabulous! I have really enjoyed dropping by so many blogs that I'm not familiar with. When I first started I had hoped to reach "Ironman" status by commenting on each and every participating blog for each of the 4 weeks. However, with well over 200 blogs participating I finally had to admit that it was just impossible with me to catch up since I do need to leave my house each day to work. And I can't blog at work. Also, I found that something was seriously slowing me down. And it wasn't my typing skills. And it wasn't my speed reading skills, or actually, maybe it was. You see, the problem is that once I got to a new blog I wanted to read absolutely everything ever written by that blogger! Anyhow, last night I finally had to admit that I'm just not worthy enough for "Ironman" status and I had to give it up. However, don't worry, the game is still on for general participating.

Cravings and Aversions

People keep asking me if I have been having any cravings yet. Actually, for the most part, I have had way more aversions than cravings. The first aversion was blue cheese dressing, first the smell of it, then the mere sight of it. I know, I know, I shouldn't be eating it anyhow, and I haven't been, but I can't even stand it on somebody else's plate! The second aversion was the smell of red wine. Again, I was not the one indulging, however, the person next to me was and the smell about killed me. Next came aversions to any type of white, creamy sauce. Not the smell or texture, but the mere sight. Ick. And it doesn't even have to be on my plate. I was at a local Mexican restaurant celebrating a friend's baby shower and I swear every person at that table decided to have Baja sauce smothering their meal. For those who don't know, Baja sauce is a white creamy jalepeno sauce. Normally I think it is pretty tasty. Now, I don't even want to see it. In fact, writing about it is making me pretty queasy. Sounds like the perfect time for me to move on.

Cravings have been a little harder to identify, but one definitely surfaced yesterday. For the past week or so my favorite afternoon snack has been Wheat Thins and Craisins. And no, I don't have a cracker and then a couple of Craisins. I put a couple of Craisins on top of a Wheat Thin and then pop it in my mouth. Absolutely yummy, you must try it! After I made Brian try it he officially declared it a craving. Later he just gave me a funny look when I told him that we are going to have to have homemade macaroni and cheese and guacamole this week. I'm sure you can imagine the look. It hovered between amused and horrified.

As Promised

As promised, here are the pictures of Baby Mayer's heartbeat. This picture is almost 2 weeks old already. Wow, so far this is going pretty quick. And yes, I know, it is impossible to tell what you are looking at in this picture, so keep reading. Thanks to the wonders of modern technology, this following image has been enhanced so that you can get a better look at Baby Mayer's heart.
Much better, don't you think?

This is me!

This is me, at precisely 11:40 am this morning, as I was leaving my RE's office. Baby Mayer has a nice strong heartbeat! So evident even I could see it flickering on the ultrasound! The sweetest sound was when my doctor turned up the volume. The hearbeat was the only sound that could be heard in the room. I was really sorry that Brian couldn't be there to hear it. Baby Mayer has also more than doubled in size in the last 10 days. And yes, I do have a picture. However, I am a complete idiot when it comes to the whole process of scanning pictures, so I, and you, will have to wait for Brian to get home and do it. Next up for me is an appointment with my OB tomorrow morning.

Updated Baby Mayer Picture

I know that it is really hard to tell what is going on in the ultrasound picture that I included in my last post. Therefore, I have included this new updated ultrasound picture which adds a certain amount of clarity. I hope that this clears things up for my faithful readers!

First Look at Baby Mayer

Yesterday's doctor appointment went very well. The ultrasound showed a perfectly normal pregnancy and my doctor was able to see all of the structures that he needed to. Don't ask me how, I guess that is why he gets paid the big bucks. The black spot in the center of the picture, surrounded by white, is the beginnings of Baby Mayer. I go back at the end of next week for another ultrasound at which time we should be able to see the heartbeat. And in the meantime, we are looking at a due date of December 6th.

In other news, my dad is doing much better now. The hospital discharged him last Thursday and he was very happy to get home. However, there was some other exciting news while he was in the hospital. He was able to move his toes! He can move all of them on his left foot quite a bit, and even move the right ones a little bit. My dad also reported that he can feel his left calf muscle and he has also gotten back some more sensation in his lower back. We are looking forward to him resuming therapy at a new rehab center in the coming weeks.

Brian, Molly and I went back to California for the Easter holiday weekend. We drove out late Friday night and stayed with his parents. On Saturday I met up with Kari and Glenna at my favorite tea house in San Juan Capistrano. We were also able to see Connie, Missy, their aunts and cousin who were there celebrating a family event. It was a great way to spend the afternoon in the company of friends. On Saturday night Brian and I went to an Angel game. We had amazing seats and it felt good to be "home". Brian was on Cloud 9 and just couldn't get enough! On Sunday morning we all went to Brian's grandma's house, along with Stephanie, Eric and the boys. We watched/helped Logan and Caiden with their Easter egg hunt and then we all enjoyed the traditional Easter breakfast together. Brian and I and his parents spent the rest of the afternoon relaxing at the house. In the evening Brian and I drove down to see Eric, Kari and Ashley. Ashley took great pride in showing me her big girl bed as well as her kitchen set. She also delighted in showing me the baby's room and showing me the crib where he will sleep. Then she pointed out the rocker and explained that daddy would be sleeping there. It sure was news to Eric!

Then Monday morning we were on the road by 7am and home by noon, and that was in spite of 3 potty stops for me. We had time to unpack the car and shower before heading off to the doctor's office. After the appointment we drove to downtown Phoenix and walked around before having dinner at the Hard Rock Cafe. Afterwards we walked over to the baseball stadium to enjoy the Diamondbacks opening day game. It was a beautiful night and we were very glad that they had the roof open. And, to top it off, the D-Backs won.

I'm going to spend today going to the gym and working on various household chores. As soon as I get our bedroom put back together I can take and post a picture of our latest completed project. That's a whole other story!

Yup, it's true!

I went to the doctor this morning in the wee early hours for a blood test. After a really long 8 hour wait the nurse called me. Yup, I'm really pregnant! My numbers were most excellent and it is unnecessary for me to go back for follow up blood work. Next Monday they are having me come back for an ultrasound. Finally, an ultrasound I can look forward to! Finally, an ultrasound that my insurance will pay for! Finally, my doctor visits are classified as "prenatal"!

In other news, my dad is sick again. He came down with a cold on Friday nights and by Saturday was pretty sick with a fever and lots of chest congestion. He really couldn't eat or drink. By Sunday morning he was worse so the paramedics had to take him to the hospital. He stayed overnight, and is staying tonight too. We don't know how much longer he will be there because they don't really know what's wrong with him yet. It looks like both a kidney infection and some type of lung infection. So, please send some prayers and good wishes his way.

My New Favorite Word

PREGNANT!

As in, according to Clearblue Easy Digital Pregnancy Test, I am pregnant! Can you believe it! Personally, I had a little trouble believing it at first. I must have looked at the test results about 100 times. However, since the test gives the results in words, as in "PREGNANT" I can be certain that I didn't misread it.

The rest of this post will cover all of the details, so if you don't like my ramblings, or are afraid of TMI, then now would be the time for you to quit reading. Consider yourself warned!

Just this past Wednesday I was sitting in my gynocologist's office having a consult about my upcoming surgical procedure. Of course he wanted to know where I was in my cycle. Since it was day 28 for me, and since I had seen a tiny spot in the morning, I told him it was imminent. Then the next day, Thursday, when Brian and I were meeting with the RE, he asked the same question. And he got the same answer from me. Aunt Flo's arrival was imminent.

On Friday I went to the paint store and bought 3 gallons of paint so that I could paint my bedroom and bathroom since Brian was out of town. I spent the rest of the day prepping the room for painting. My plan was to just throw paint on the walls on Saturday morning. Anyhow, still no sign of Aunt Flo. I was starting to worry that I had begun to enter menopause and that the delay was surely a sign of diminished ovarian reserve. Before I went off the deep end I decided to buy a pregnancy test for Saturday morning. I know, I know, what infertile doesn't have a ready supply of all sorts of pregnancy tests?!?!?!

So Saturday morning rolls around and Molly woke me up at 6:30 for her potty run. I took her out before heading for my own. I managed to pee on the stick and not my hand, closed up the test, and set it on the kitchen island before heading outside to scoop up dog poop. Can you tell that I was really dreading looking at the result? The result I was sure of which was negative? When I came back inside I picked up the stick and was on my way to the trashcan with it when I looked in the window. All it said was "Pregnant". There wasn't a "Not". It took my breath away. Even though I have been praying and hoping and wishing for this moment for a really, really, really long time. I couldn't believe it. I looked and looked for the "Not". It just wasn't there. I even compared the stick with the directions. Then I cried. Then I tried to tell Molly about it. She really didn't care. Then I found my phone to call Brian. He was shocked that I was up so early. Then I told him that he picked a hell of a weekend to go to Chicago to play around. Then I told him. And he was speechless for a moment and I know he wished he was here instead of in Chicago. Then I told him that now he gets to paint the bedroom and bathroom when he gets back. He wasn't so excited about that part.

My next call was to the doctor's office and I have an appointment for tomorrow morning for the blood test. So, wish me well. And continue to pray for me, as I am, for a safe, healthy, fun pregnancy ending with a perfect, healthy baby.