Wednesday, September 03, 2008

Pregnant Thoughts

This post has been floating around La-La Land here in various forms for a while now. I've been hesitant to put my thoughts into words, let alone putting those words into the blogosphere. If anyone is reading this, then I did eventually hit "publish", casting aside all reasonable thought and acts of self-preservation. I know that not everyone will understand me. Shoot, it is likely that nobody will. However, most will still offer support and assure me that I'm not a freak and that, in fact, I'm perfectly reasonable in my thoughts. It isn't likely that someone will come right out and tell me that I am an awful excuse for a woman and that I got what I deserved. Some may think it, but I doubt anyone will actually say it to me. And I'm pretty sure that if anyone even thinks it that the "someone" must not have ever walked in my shoes and is completely lacking even the most basic of empathetic skills. In fact, the more I think about, and write about, "Someone" then less I like them and the less I care what they think. So why the hesitancy here? Maybe it isn't the imagined cruel response of some judgmental person, but rather the act of actually sharing of my thoughts, and claiming them as my own, that scares the bejesus out of me.
Hmmm, I've written a lot here, yet I still haven't said anything.

This most recent miscarriage has thrown me for a loop. Not that it happened, because believe me, I knew that was a very real possibility. The loop comes from how I feel about it. I guess the best way to put it is that I have such mixed feelings.

When I first found out I was pregnant I was freaked out, to say the least. Complete surprise was probably my biggest emotion, followed quickly by joy and then disbelief. The adoption was in the works at the time, and we were just waiting for the birth. I can't tell you the number of people who said, "Now that you are adopting you will get pregnant". I would just look away, knowing that I was already pregnant, yet also knowing that the pending adoption had absolutely nothing to do with me getting knocked up. I also felt a great deal of relief in thinking that maybe this was our answer to having our family completed. One adopted child, one biological child, all within 9 months. Irish twins. I felt like we finally had a winning lottery ticket. Life was finally going our way. My next emotion was panic. How were we ever going to pull this off? Two family leaves from school in the same year? How would we afford two kids on formula and in diapers and daycare? The panic continued full throttle once we brought Andy home. I was sick all day and awake all night. Worry was with me constantly, but it wasn't just worry about two babies in the house at the same time because actually that sounded like some fun. A lot of work, but fun, and oh what a joy to have our family complete. The worry came from being sick and tired and afraid that something would go wrong with either the baby or me.

Then we found out that this pregnancy might not be viable. At 7 1/2 weeks parts were measuring a little behind. By then I was sick, and tired, and annoyed to be facing this again. The waiting over the next week and a half through further testing and ultimately surgery was really rough. I wanted to be enjoying my new baby at home, but found myself distracted about the doomed baby within me. I felt robbed of the opportunity to give Andy a sibling. Then I got pissed. I just wanted it to be over.

After surgery I felt much better. A load had been lifted. The worry was gone. No more worries about my health, a growing baby within me, finances, another leave from school. I was free to just love on Andy without feeling sick or worried. I'm ashamed, so ashamed, to admit it . . . but I felt relieved to have miscarried.

To be continued, another time . . . .


  1. Anonymous2:50 PM

    Don't ever be ashamed about your feelings. People have so much guilt in their lives that sometimes it overtakes them. I am glad that you have made peace with it all. Now you can enjoy Andy and all he has to offer and give him back the same.

    Did you actually say that it may be fun to have 2 babies in the house at once? It sounds exhausting to me. (I am sure it is really wonderful)

    Take care Laurie

  2. you know this - your blog, your rules, your thoughts! you are entitled to think and feel anything you want.

    I am very proud of you for putting your feelings out there. you know you are not alone

  3. I think your feelings are normal and real. BUT in the same sentence I think your too hard on yourself. Not that I would be any different. SO I am not judging. But lets say you get pregnant anytime soon that you would have two leaves in the same year or even the following year. You have to have faith it will all work out. You never know a money tree could pop up in your yard, hehe I am just saying, what if you had been preg with twins, you would have two sets of diapers and formula ect. Lots of people have dont it and it will all work out. It always does. So dont worry about the money part thats the least thing to worry about. Your health, the baby, Andrew and your husband are the only things to worry about and even with that. If you have done all you can do you have to believe the Lord will take care of the rest. I hope that all makes sence. I had two boys both had heart surgery, husband had a girlfriend, got divorce ect all in 13 months. I know from experence you can only worry about so much. Do all you can do and thats it. Enjoy your life. HUGS/PRAYERS for you and your family. Kelli

  4. They're your feelings. A blog is a place to get them out!

    Would you be willing to share your adoption agency experience with me? Like/hate, etc? I'm looking.. My email is tracyruthatyahoodotcom.

  5. I am glad you hit publish. You feel the way you feel. There is nothing to be worried about!

    Hugs to you.

  6. never be ashamed of your thoughts and emotions. Andy knows how much you love him and those kinds of worries are natural.

    Aedyn and I cant wait for our play date!

  7. So it's different, BUT, there was a part of me that felt like when our first IVF failed that it was a bit of a good thing? Meaning, I was relieved it wasn't just in our heads, that there was something wrong. So I think you being relieved is a natural thing to feel - with all that stress and all those possible decisions, I think it'd be hard for human nature not to kick in a bit and feel the way you feel. I don't think it's wrong at all.

  8. Chris- don't be ashamed of your honesty- it's your truth and no one has the right to judge you. I also understand how you feel. When I got pregnant after my miscarriage I spent a lot of time in the beginning worrying the same thoughts you had. But then time passed and things were going well and I began to enjoy it. I do think that it is so normal to have these thoughts after going through a tough time. Remember there are no rules to how you should feel. Thank you for sharing your feelings and thoughts with us.

  9. There is nothing wrong with those feelings at all. If you had gone on to have a successful pregnancy, you would have found a way to handle it all. I really can see how worried you must have been with all of that going on at once. As much as I would still love to have a miracle pregnancy, I don't think I could handle it all at once!
    I'm glad you shared, it must have been a relief to get that out!

  10. I think those are completely normal thoughts. Every person in every situation reacts differently. I am glad you felt able to share.

  11. Oh, Sweetpea.

    I remember when we got pregnant the first time. It was not expected at all. I was terrified at first, because we hadn't even been trying and I didn't think we were ready. I was happy to be pregnant, but also had a lot of mixed emotions. I felt SO guilty when I miscarried, as if the baby had somehow "felt" my misgivings.

    Miscarriage and the hormonal onslaught that follows rob you of your normal emotional response to things. Being up all night with a newborn does the same. Adding those two together, no wonder you felt relief to have one less burden. And no doubt, the "relief" was that the ordeal of miscarrige + D&C was over, not that your baby had died.

    I so feel for you to have gone through the highest of highs and the lowest of lows all at once. I hope this post was cathartic to you.

  12. I know it must have been near impossible for you to hit publish and put this out there for all to see...I am praying for you, my friend. I am so sorry you have to deal with all of these feelings, and then having to figure them all out in the midst of the joy you feel with Andy must be the ultimate irony. Hugs to you. See you and Andy soon.

    I'm going to try and shoot you an email soon.

  13. First of all, this is your blog, you should be able to put your feelings out on your blog (as much as you feel comfortable, which is probably the point of this post).

    Second...I totally understand your feelings. I had a similar feeling when we were doing IVF. People kept coming up to me and wondering/telling me "What if you have more than one? What if you have twins?" And I knew in my heart of hearts--I could not deal with twins. I had in my mind a family of 2 kids. Three was going to be WAY too much. Not to mention the other questions, like could we afford them, etc. I secretly hoped against hope to have only a singleton, while having to congratulate others who were totally joyful to have twins --wondering if my half-heartedness about the possibility of multiples was hurting my chances (I know--not logical at all). And then there was the question of reduction--my husband and I differed (he would have said to keep multiples no matter what--I was not so sure). Luckily, it was not a choice we had to make.

    I think that somehow, life works out and your life works out (or you adapt to make it work). And I am so very happy that you have Andy, cuz he was meant for you.

  14. Hugs. I am so glad you decided to share your feelings. I think that by you sharing them it will help others who may find themselves in the same not feel so alone.