Come Celebrate With Me!

It's my birthday! And, amazingly enough, I'm a mere 29. Again. Ahem.

The exciting part? I'm actually able to enjoy it. For a long time I didn't enjoy my birthdays because of the completely deafening ticking, immediately followed by mind-numbing panic and anxiety. But now? It's all fun and completely enjoyable again because I feel absolutely no pressure. Yippee! A birthday the way it should be!

Which isn't to say that I'm not going to do some reflecting, because, sure, while there are some things I would have liked to do by now, I wouldn't be where I am now, which is exactly where I want to be, if I hadn't gotten here the way I did. (Yes, that really was a totally confusing sentence, and I'm sure there's a long passed English teacher rolling in her grave.)

So, happy birthday to me, and enjoy some yummy cake today!

Once in a Lifetime

Exactly six years ago a single event happened that changed the course of my life for the better. Six years ago I received an email. An email from Brian, introducing himself. Apparently I thought it was the start of something, as I printed and saved that email, as well as the ones that followed. I also began writing about our time together in a journal and saving ticket stubs, pictures and other mementos. Six months later we were engaged.

On February 5th we celebrate our fifth wedding anniversary, and the sixth anniversary of our first date. I love Brian, and our life together. I wouldn't have it any other way.

All I Ever Wanted . . .

. . . is right here in this little picture.

Everything that matters . . . is right here in this little picture.

My whole world . . . is right here in this little picture.

For this I am so incredibly blessed and thankful.

The Million Dollar Question

What kind of parent will I be when I grow up?

This is a question that has meandered through my thoughts many times over the years.

When I was a little girl I envisioned the perfect little group of stair-stepped children that I would raise with my husband in my perfectly kept up house. I never gave any thought to what kind of parent I would be. I simply was, and it was good.

When I was a teenager I envisioned myself the kind of parent that would let my children do all of the things that my parents wouldn't let me do. My teenage self would let my kids have televisions and phones in their rooms.

When I was in my 20's I couldn't envision myself as a parent at all. I didn't envy my friends who were having kids at an age that I thought was too early. I had too many things to do to be bothered with thoughts of parenthood. Parenting was something I would think about later.

When I was in my early 30's I envisioned myself being the kind of parent that didn't make all of the mistakes that my friends were making. By the time I actually had kids I'd have this all worked out! This easily thought by someone who wasn't a parent!

When I was in my late 30's I envisioned myself being the kind of parent who had learned by my friend's mistakes, though it began to feel as though I'd never have the opportunity.

And now, here I am, a parent and I still have no idea what kind of parent I'll be when I grow up!

Sure, I have lots of theory in my head, but I realize that it's my heart that is guiding me. Sure, I'll make mistakes, and that's OK. I'll make mistakes that my friends have made. I'll make new mistakes as well. But I'm bound to do a few things right as well, "God willing" as Grandma Mayer would say.

So Not Worth It!

The other night as I got out of the shower I called for Brian, who was working in the office. I asked him to please go downstairs to bring me a paper towel and the band-aids. He asked if I cut myself shaving and I told him "No". Rather than fetching the requested items he felt it necessary to come into the bathroom to see if it was truly necessary for him to go ALL THE WAY downstairs to get what I needed. His eyes got huge when he saw the blood dripping from my hand. After explaining what happened he was then more than happy to run my errand.

Actually, this isn't my first bathroom injury. When I was 7 years old I managed to leave the bathroom with a need for 20 stitches in my elbow. Again, no razor blade was involved. I totally blame it on my brother. You see, I was minding my own business, standing on the bathroom counter brushing my teeth. And spitting into the sink below me. Oh, did I mention Eric was standing at the sink brushing his teeth? No? Sorry. Anyhoo . . . he pushed me, while I was in mid-brush, into the light fixture beside the mirror. My elbow busted up the entire thing with glass flying everywhere. Good times.

OK, have you figured out how I cut myself in the shower without a razor? No? Well then let me explain. After getting into the shower I realized that I forgot to replace the empty conditioner bottle/tube. Actually, I remembered that I forgot to replace it again. You see, I've been squeezing out the last little bit for the past week. (You have done this, haven't you?) I (wrongly) figured that I could squeeze out just enough for one more application. I flipped open the lid, held it in one hand, and rolled down the rest of the tube, like a toothpaste tube, with the other hand. Suddenly everything slipped in my hands and the lid raced past the pad of my thumb, carving a wide gash almost an inch long. It bled like a son of a gun! I didn't worry too much and just went about my business, using a different type of conditioner already in the shower. By the conclusion of my shower the bleeding still hadn't let up which is why I called for Brian, since I didn't want to bleed all over the white towels.

Let me just say that the last little bit of conditioner, which I never did manage to squeeze out, has been sooo not worth the aggravation of this little bathroom injury.

So now my thumb is covered in dermabond and there is a new tube of conditioner in the shower.

What's the Deal with NaComLeavMo?

If you want to know the answer you will have to skip down a little bit, because the first part of this post is for those NaComLeavMo participants who haven't been to my blog before. So, to get you up to speed I'll share a little bit of my story. Two years ago my hubby, Brian, and I were diagnosed with unexplained infertility. Months of Clomid did nothing for me. I quit my teaching job so that I would have time to pursue more aggressive fertility treatments. I did a medicated(injectible) IUI and just as we found out it didn't work my dad suffered a terrible fall. He broke his neck in 3 places and is now a quadriplegic. After taking a couple of months off to deal with this new family situation I did 2 more medicated IUI's. They didn't work either. We were ready to head to IVF, however, before the cycle could start we hit the jackpot, or so we thought. I had a natural pregnancy, and things looked great, heartbeat and all, until about 10 weeks when a routine ultrasound showed that there was no longer a heartbeat. Game over, time for a D&C. 4 months later we began the IVF cycle. It started great, but ultimately failed for no good earthly reason. This happened last October. By December we had chosen a domestic adoption agency and in January we started the home study process. By March our home study was approved and profile ready for viewing. We came close to being chosen by a birthmom for her twin daughters, but ultimately came in #2. Our latest opportunity for a match was a few days ago, but we decided to sit that one out. And now you are completely caught up. Wow, looking back at this paragraph it really doesn't seem all that bad, but it sure has felt like going to Hell and back.

It isn't all doom and gloom. I've learned some great things during this time. Brian is truly a champ. If we can get through this I'm confident we can get through anything. I have also learned who I can expect support from, and, um, who I can't expect support from. Even that is a good thing though because it is just as important to know who will let you down as who will lift you up. And this whole infertility bloggyland has been a shining light through the whole journey.

Well, if you have ever been to wonder Mel's site then you already know. And if you are yourself a participant then you already know. Basically it is a way to spread bloggy love through the blogosphere. One of the funnest things about blogging is getting comments. It's wonderful to hear from people who truly get what you are talking about and a great way to make bloggy friends. So, participants have agreed to leave 5 comments, and return 1 comment, each day from May 25th through June 25th. And truly, how could I not participate in something that started on my birthday? Now, I am already a pretty good commenter, but the trick here is to visit new blogs. If you would like more info then just click on my side bar icon for NaComLeavMo.

My experience with NaComLeavMo thus far has been fabulous! I have really enjoyed dropping by so many blogs that I'm not familiar with. When I first started I had hoped to reach "Ironman" status by commenting on each and every participating blog for each of the 4 weeks. However, with well over 200 blogs participating I finally had to admit that it was just impossible with me to catch up since I do need to leave my house each day to work. And I can't blog at work. Also, I found that something was seriously slowing me down. And it wasn't my typing skills. And it wasn't my speed reading skills, or actually, maybe it was. You see, the problem is that once I got to a new blog I wanted to read absolutely everything ever written by that blogger! Anyhow, last night I finally had to admit that I'm just not worthy enough for "Ironman" status and I had to give it up. However, don't worry, the game is still on for general participating.

I'm Back, and I'm Almost Me Again

I'm ready to crawl out from under my rock where I have been hiding for the past couple of weeks. And let me tell you, it certainly hasn't been any fun here. The past couple of weeks have been really hard, and during that time I haven't been a very good blogger at all. I've been somewhat keeping up with what's going on with my bloggy friends, but I haven't been commenting at all. I've tried, but just haven't been able to come up with anything that might have been remotely helpful, so I've just kept quiet. And I do feel really bad about that, after all, everyone has been so wonderfully supportive and then I just wasn't capable of doing the same. I also have been pretty unresponsive to my real life friends as well. It just hasn't been a fun time. Oh, and I still haven't taken a sub job. I haven't worked since the middle of September.

Initially I tried to blame my rotten mood on plummeting hormone levels and the after affects of all of the fertility meds. However, it has really been more than that. Physically I just wasn't feeling well at all. I had been really tired and just didn't seem to have the energy to do anything. I was also suffering from frequent headaches and I wasn't sleeping well at night. I had no appetite, and when I did eat I would feel like I had rocks in my gut for hours afterwards. All I wanted to do was stay home and lounge around in my jammies. All I did was think, and worry, and obsess about what our next steps should be. And think and worry about what *might* happen months down the road. Plus, I've been really emotional. Everything would make me cry, at the drop of a hat. Really, not fun, or pretty.

Finally, about a week and a half ago I realized that this just wasn't right and I needed so help. So, I sent my acupuncturist an email explaining that I was feeling really out of whack and needed to get my whack back. He saw me the next day. It was an hour and a half of acupressure/acupuncture/guided meditation/therapy. And it helped. Just a little bit, but it got the ball rolling. I went back again on Thursday for another marathon session. And I feel much better, more like me.

Apparently my chi is blocked. What's blocking it? Stress and anxiety. So, I was told to take a teaspoon of organic apple cider vinegar before each meal to help with my tummy troubles. Yes, it is every bit as revolting as it sounds. However, it helped. It made me feel better. I've also been exercising just a little bit, mainly walking outdoors and getting some fresh air. And I've been listening to my guided meditations (thanks Meghan!) on my ipod. And I've been trying to focus on the here and now rather than worrying about the future. And I've decided not to decide anything until I'm feeling better.

I've also been getting together with some new people. Mainly some of the girls in my support group. In fact, go give Heather at Plans for a Hope and a Future a nice warm welcome as she is new to the blogging world. I also met a fellow Phoenix blogger, Steph of The Princess Shine Pages , and her little guy, for coffee. For those of you who are familiar with her, and even if you aren't, let me tell you that in person she is way fun and I'm looking forward to meeting up with her again. I've also started spending some time with my parents again. We went to the casino the other day and I spent yesterday helping to clean out the garage. I also participated in some retail therapy. I bought 3 pairs of shoes.

And now, the nitty gritty: the results of my poll about the IVF roller coaster. Yes, it seems that the overwhelming consensus is that we should try again. And I'm not ready to commit to that right now. We feel led to pursue fost/adopt. And it will happen whether or not we pursue another round of IVF. It really isn't an either/or type of situation. In fact, my greatest peace, at the moment, comes from thinking that I'm not going to do IVF again. After much angst (remember the entire first part of this post?) I'm finally ready to admit that my greatest fear isn't that another round of IVF won't work, but that it will. Yup, that's right. I'm afraid that it will work. And that I will miscarry again or have a super dangerous pregnancy. How crazy am I? So for now I'm not going to worry about it. For now I'm going to go along like I'm not going to do it again, but I'm reserving my right as a woman to change my mind. Because if I do it again I need to be excited about it. And right now I can't dredge up any excitement, though I can dredge up excitement about fost/adopt. Most importantly, I have a good two months to mull it over and decide if I really want this second chance, or if I am willing to walk away from it and not have regrets about it later.

While I take my time deciding, one way or another, at least I am on my way back to being me. And that should be good news to some folks. Because at least my house is clean again, I've been to the grocery store, and I've begun to cook and bake again.

Factoids AKA Distractions

I was tagged by both JKH and Chicklet to list 7 (or 8) habits or quirks about me. Presumably these should be things that you don't already know and that are interesting or unique, but at the same time, endearing you to me, and not making you shun me in horror. It's a mighty fine balance, and I'm not sure if I'm up to the challenge, but I'm going to try. Especially since I am trying to find something to write about other than my own fertility, or lack thereof, as it turns out.

1) I'm a puker. Yup, whether I'm sick, upset, worried, too hot, too tired, whatever. My physical response is to throw up. OK, this may not be the endearing quirk you learn about me, but Brian apparently thought it was endearing. In the months leading up to our wedding Brian had numerous occasions to deal with me flung over a toilet bowl. It sort of became a running joke. One day he was making me slightly annoyed about something and my mom told him not to make me mad because I would throw up. And he believed her. Not for long, but he believed her.

2) I'm a picture taking junkie. I will take a picture of anything, no matter how insignificant it seems. Lizard on the wall? Rainbow? Dust storm? Cupcakes? People too, but they tend to get annoyed. Yup, got pictures of them all. They don't necessarily ever make it into an album, but they are on tucked in a box somewhere or else just in limbo on the computer.

3) I read several books at a time. Some I only read at the gym. Some I only read at home. Some I read only when I travel. Whatever I read has to match my mood at the time. Apparently I have many moods which explains why I am so many different reads going at a time. I'm also a magazine junkie. I have too many subscriptions to count and every week I have to buy Quick and Simple at the market. They build up like crazy and about 4 times a year I have to do a major purge.

4) I love to make appetizers and desserts. I don't care about the rest of the meal. I'm a gal all about the appetizers and desserts. In fact, when I host a party that's all I make. And nobody ever leaves hungry, and they must not totally hate it because they keep coming back. When it comes to making dinner, I will only use recipes if they come from a "5 ingredients or less" source.

5) Apparently I have time management issues. I never allow enough time for anything and always try to pack in too much stuff for the time alotted. Enough said, time to move on.

6) I love road trips. I will get in a car and go anyplace. I once rode with a friend to Arkansas just to keep her company. I will also stop at any quirky little tourist trap along the way. Can you say Oregon Vortex House of Mystery? Tillamook cheese factory? Abe Lincoln's birthplace?
You get the idea.

7) I have a piano, but can't play it worth a darn. I took lessons as a kid, but gave it up when we moved and left the piano behind. A couple of years after I started teaching I decided that I wanted to relearn how to play the piano so I started taking lessons and my parents bought me a used piano for my birthday. I took lessons for almost 2 years, then met Brian and got too busy. When I'm in the house alone I will fool around with it, but I'm really awful, however I like to imagine that I'm not really that bad.

8) While watching TV I have to be covered up with my blankey. I don't care that we live in Arizona and it's 115 degrees in the summer. I need my blankey.

I am going to tag Mrs. B. because she needs a distraction right now, and LJ because she needs something mindless right now, and JJ because she has been quiet lately, and Egged because, well, she's a good egg, and Melanie cuz she's my neighbor (even though we live 350 miles apart) and I want to guilt her into blogging more.