The Million Dollar Question

What kind of parent will I be when I grow up?

This is a question that has meandered through my thoughts many times over the years.

When I was a little girl I envisioned the perfect little group of stair-stepped children that I would raise with my husband in my perfectly kept up house. I never gave any thought to what kind of parent I would be. I simply was, and it was good.

When I was a teenager I envisioned myself the kind of parent that would let my children do all of the things that my parents wouldn't let me do. My teenage self would let my kids have televisions and phones in their rooms.

When I was in my 20's I couldn't envision myself as a parent at all. I didn't envy my friends who were having kids at an age that I thought was too early. I had too many things to do to be bothered with thoughts of parenthood. Parenting was something I would think about later.

When I was in my early 30's I envisioned myself being the kind of parent that didn't make all of the mistakes that my friends were making. By the time I actually had kids I'd have this all worked out! This easily thought by someone who wasn't a parent!

When I was in my late 30's I envisioned myself being the kind of parent who had learned by my friend's mistakes, though it began to feel as though I'd never have the opportunity.

And now, here I am, a parent and I still have no idea what kind of parent I'll be when I grow up!

Sure, I have lots of theory in my head, but I realize that it's my heart that is guiding me. Sure, I'll make mistakes, and that's OK. I'll make mistakes that my friends have made. I'll make new mistakes as well. But I'm bound to do a few things right as well, "God willing" as Grandma Mayer would say.