Still Wanna Know?

This morning rolled around and I just couldn't take it anymore. I succumbed to the pressure and dug out the dreaded box of devil sticks, aka pregnancy tests. This is what I saw:

And so my last ditch effort to have a biological child is done and over with.
Let's see, just how many ways can I put this?

1) There is no bun in the oven

2) There is no pea in the pod

3) I am not with child

4) I am not expecting

5) The rabbit is safe

6) I am the Biggest Loser

You know how most people gain weight during an IVF cycle? Sometimes as much as 10 pounds? Get this, I lost 5 pounds. And this after not going to the gym for a solid month and subsisting on a solid diet of chocolate and macaroni and cheese while laying around watching far too much TV. This is, by far, the most expensive 5 pounds I have ever lost.

Oh, I did go for the beta test this morning. Then after breakfast I shoved a couple of extra strength excedrin down my gullet to try to get rid of this headache that has been the bane of my existence for the past 4 days.

And so now I just wait for official word from the RE's office, and I will hit "publish post" as soon as I get it.

Yup, it's officially official: Negative.

Operation "Hey! Impreggo My Eggos" is officially over and done.

Next appointment with the RE is on the 29th.

Oh, and if you know me in real life, please don't make me have to cheer you up. I've got all I can handle.

For Those Still Tuning In . . .

Yup, this is me. I'm still being a great, big chicken. I'm 11 days past 3 day transfer, which means that I am 14 days past ovulation. And I'm still too chicken to pee on a stick. And it's too late to do it today, since it's too late for the whole "first morning" thing. And tomorrow is beta day, so there's really no use to doing it tomorrow.

I still have all sorts of progesterone symptoms which are doing nothing to help my state of mind. And I have to keep reminding myself that none of this means anything.

All day long I go back and forth from thinking that this did work, to thinking that it didn't. I don't get upset when I think it didn't work, I just plan my next line of attack. I research our next options. I research jobs for next year. And then I'm back to thinking that it did work and thinking about what life will be like then. I think about how I will be 11 weeks pregnant when the due date for the miscarried baby comes along. My head is a really exhausting place to be. Hence my afternoon naps and falling asleep during prime time TV.

So one more day, my friends. Hang in there with me.

Oops!

(Updated at bottom)

I just realized that my last post made it sound like I was going for my beta yesterday. And I didn't. And I wasn't supposed to. My beta isn't until Saturday, 12 days post 3 day transfer. What I tried to convey was that yesterday was my last acupuncture treatment of this cycle as they like to do a treatment between transfer and beta. So, sorry for the confusion. I totally blame it on the progesterone!

Acupuncture was nice and relaxing, but it has been kinda bothering me that for about the last 6 weeks I have been unable to actually sleep during my treatments. I get really, really relaxed, but I haven't actually slept. Makes me feel like I have been doing something wrong . . .

Hope and wishing are both high right now, and steadily rising, which is somewhat scary. I'm still not tempted to pee on a stick. Not that I don't want to know if it's positive, but I don't want to know if it's negative. I want to put off the negative as long as possible. You see, right now is really the last few days of any hope whatsoever of having a biological child. Without coming out and saying it directly, the doctor indicated that this cycle was it for us. The drugs have pushed me as far as I can be pushed. We could not do the same thing over again and expect a different result. So this is it. And that, my friends, is the scary part, far more scary than just another negative.

Update: OK, I have settled myself down quite a bit. I keep a "First Time's the Charm" list in my favorites folder of people who got pregnant after their first IVF cycle. I've been stalking it like crazy today, looking to see what people wrote about how they felt in the days leading up to beta. Guess what?!?!?! I'm completely normal in how neurotic I am! I'm completely normal in my lack of symptoms! I'm completely normal in that I shift constantly from positive to negative vibes! At least I can be encouraged by the fact that I am still in the game. There is still hope and it isn't over yet.

The Weekend in Review

We had a really busy weekend. Busy, but fun. Brian had another 4 day weekend in honor of his birthday. On Friday night we went to the Diamondback game and had a good time, though we did leave early (top of the 8th) because national league baseball is just so stinkin' slow, and we had to get home for my PIO injection. When we got there Brian's parents were at the house, having driven out from California. On Saturday I did some shopping with Brian's mom while Brian did some stuff at the house with his dad. We went for an early dinner to the soul food restaurant that we discovered a couple of weeks ago. Then we all went to the hockey game. The Coyotes lost, again, but we did have a really good time. Yesterday some of Brian's friends who were in town for the weekend stopped by and we all went out to lunch. Afterwards we went to my parent's house, along with Brian's parents and grandparents, and continued to celebrate Brian's birthday with a banana split ice cream pie. Yum.

So, here I am, 7 days past day 3 transfer, and I've been remarkably distracted. I have not been tempted to pee on a stick, even though I have a small stash hidden away. In fact, this is the most relaxed and easy going I have ever been during a 2 week wait. Yes, I want to know how this all turns out. Yes, I want this to work out, more than anything, in fact. However, the very familiar desperation is gone. I know, in the very depth of my soul, that everything will work out as it is meant to and that we will be OK no matter what happens. I don't have a "feeling" one way or another how this might turn out. And that's OK. The statistics say that there is a better chance that this won't work than it will, but I am still very hopeful and at peace.

I am still under the influence of progesterone. Boobs are still sore, in fact, even more so. And last night I got very itchy. I still have moments of slight queasiness or slight heartburn, but a couple of tums takes care of it. The progesterone can probably even be blamed for the following exchange between Brian and I in the family room this morning.

Me: Do my boobs look bigger?

Him: I don't know, it's been a while since I've seen them, but thanks for flashing me.

Well, I'm off for my last acupuncture treatment before beta.

Progesterone Ponderings

For those who are new to the whole IVF thing I'd like to share my experience with progesterone. IVF patients have to be supplemented with enough progesterone to support a pregnancy. This starts a couple of days before embryo transfer. Per my protocol (and really, this method is quite common) I get my progesterone in the form of progesterone in oil, aka PIO. It is injected with an inch and a half long needle into my hip each night. Because I am so lucky and "suffer" from advanced maternal age I also have to use progesterone suppositories that are crammed up my hoo-ha each night.

The PIO injections are the scariest part when contemplating IVF. Everyone always complains about how painful they are and how they are the bane of life with an IVF cycle. Let me tell you how it has been going. The first night I got myself all psyched up. Brian would be doing the honors, because frankly, I don't even want to see the syringe let alone the needle because the first time I saw the needle I realized that I have used smaller nails to hang pictures on the wall. I layed down on my stomach with my face in a pillow. He swiped the area on my hip with an alcohol wipe. (The area had been clearly marked by the nurse with a sharpie in order to narrow down the prime target.) I heard Brian gasp, then I felt the poke. And then it was over. Easy as pie. The next night went much the same, including Brian's pre-poke gasp, except we used the other hip. And the next night, again, went much the same, including Brian's pre-poke gasp, except we used the first hip. I couldn't believe that this could really be this easy and pain free! What kind of lucky duck am I?

Well, I'm not. The reality of progesterone has caught up with me. I'm sporting knotty rainbow colored lumps on both hips. I've had to start using a heated rice sock afterwards on the violated hip. And I finally had to ask beg Brian to stop his pre-poke gasp because it was not very comforting to hear.

And how does this progesterone make me feel? Well, let me tell you, my boobs have been sore since before I even had any embryos in me! What kind of garbage is that? My nose drips like a faucet. I'm a tad bit emotional. I'm tired, and all I do is sit around the house. And today I got really, really nauseous and tried to lose my breakfast. That has subsided a bit, and I now just feel mildly queasy. So, as you can see, I am blaming absolutely everything on the progesterone. Including paying the Discover bill late. Oh, I think it also might make me a little whiny.

High Hopes

This is me. Right now. I got high hopes. Just like the ant.




Just click on the arrow in the center of the picture to play.

I also got too much time on my hands! But then, you probably already guessed that.

In A Good Spot

I'm in a good spot right now, on a number of levels.

Geographically, I'm camped out in the recliner (thanks Grandma and Grandpa Mayer!) in our family room. Laptop, telephones, and remotes are all within reach. DVD player is loaded with season 2 of Grey's Anatomy.

Physically, I'm feeling pretty good. I'm relaxed. Most of the bloating and cramping from retrieval have subsided. It isn't quite as painful now when I'm sporting a full bladder. The progesterone in oil injections have been completely pain free so far, though I'm already sporting sore boobs and gassiness. I guess I better get used to it.

Emotionally, I feel great. I'm very proud of how well I've gotten through this so far. I know that we (including the doctor) gave this our very best effort. We have a fair shot, having made it this far. We are optimistic and hopeful. The support I have received here, and through email and phone calls has been phenomenal! I certainly feel so extremely blessed and your thoughts and prayers have helped so much. Brian's grandparents brought over an angel to see us along our journey to parenthood. That was very sweet too!

Brian has been great. He waited on me hand and foot yesterday, and I did try really hard not to take advantage. Though he did gripe a little when every time he got up to do something I made him come over to give me a kiss. Today he is back to work and I am on my own. Well, Molly is here but she really isn't very helpful.

Coolness

We have 3 little embryos growing across town, just waiting to come home in the morning. I promise to greet them with 2 days of bedrest and lots of tv watching and even macaroni and cheese. Yes, this is all purely speculation and positive thinking on my part, as I haven't heard anything new since yesterday.

And I'm leaving here shortly to go get a massage (God willing my last for the next 12 weeks) so that I can get my zen back.

Thanks for all of the support and prayers!

Trying to Chill

OK, I've had some time to calm down a little bit. When I think rationally about this, even though I haven't spoken with my doctor, my feeling is that he won't be at all surprised with this latest development. I mean, at my age aren't at least half of my eggs total crap to begin with? So if I only had 5 mature eggs, and they all fertilized, but only 3 continued to grow and divide, even my limited math skills tell me that that is more than half.

It also supports our hunch that our "unexplained" diagnosis has had to do with fertilization. It isn't like I have had repeat miscarriages. Just one pregnancy, and one miscarriage. And that pregnancy was not the result of treatment.

I'm really hoping not to hear any news today. Last week I was told that they would call with the fertilization report and then I wouldn't hear anything again until the morning of transfer. A call today would totally freak me out, as it would have to be bad news.

My age calls for putting back 3. I've only ever been comfortable with putting back 2. However, I wanted to put back only 2 because of course they would just be so awesome that they would be all I would need. Not because that is all that is left. That is the scary part. That, and the fact that I no longer have a back up option for biological kids for us. This is the last hurrah, and I wasn't expecting that. I wasn't ready for that option to be gone now. I probably should have been, but I guess I was overly optimistic.

I guess the bright side is that now I won't have to pay for embryo preservation.

Continue to hold a good thought for me, and say a prayer or two. I go in at 9:30 tomorrow morning for acupuncture before the 10:15 transfer. I have another acupuncture treatment immediately following, for 30 minutes or until I nearly wet myself, since this all needs to be done on an extremely full bladder. Then I come home for 2 days of bedrest, during which time I will be watching seasons 2 and 3 of Grey's Anatomy. And I am vowing to stay away from Google and all horror stories. Only good thoughts.

Oh, and my first PIO injection was last night, and so not a big deal. There was no ice or heat involved and other than the initial jab I didn't feel a thing. The injection site even feels good today. I hope that keeps up.

Crap

That about sums it up.

9 eggs retrieved

5 fertilized with ICSI

3 are continuing to divide and grow

Whatever is left will be transferred in on Monday morning, at 10:15

No chance of a FET

No more further cycles

This is the end of the road


Crap

Eggos?

We are back from egg retrieval. The doctor got 9 eggs. He was very happy with that. Of course, I wanted more. I wanted to be an over achiever. Apparently there were many more, but it was much too risky to get them. Something about a blood vessel being in the way.

I didn't put on my post anesthesia hysterical crying show. However, I did slightly embarrass the anesthesiologist and nurse when they brought Brian back and I started quizzing him about his part in this whole thing and whether or not he had a good time.

I'm very sleepy. And very sore. As soon as I eat something I can take something for the pain. Brian ran to the store to get me a heating pad. In the meantime, I'm going to take a little nap.

And we wait, until tomorrow, for the fertilization report.

Thanks for all of the prayers, well wishes, and good thoughts.

I'll Just Keep Breathing

Last night's trigger shot went well. No dropped medicine vials, no catastrophe with the most important injection. No bleeding and it's just a little sore today.

Tomorrow morning we report to the doctor's office at 8:15. That means we will need to leave here no later than 6:45, maybe even earlier. I'm so worried about being held up in traffic.

I'm very excited about tomorrow, but a little nervous as well. I'm glad I won't be awake for the actual retrieval. I'm looking forward to waking up and having it all be over. It's just so weird and mind boggeling to be hoping for the very, very best yet still knowing that the outcome just can't be known. Further, it's the kind of thing that no matter what your intuition tells you, your intuition doesn't mean squat.

I just have to rest easy in the fact that so far everything has gone very well. There is no reason to think that things won't continue to go well. I trust my doctor, and I trust that God already has this all worked out. All I have to do is keep breathing and hang on for the ride.

So, if you could, please keep us in your prayers and hold a good thought for us.

Oh, and it's opening night at the hockey arena tonight. That should help to keep me distracted for a few hours.

At Last!

For those of you playing along with the at home version of "Hey! Impreggo My Eggo!" lets review the past 12 days:

1) 8 doctor visits
2) 8 blood draws (and amazingly, only 1 bruise! yea favorite nurse!)
3) 8 vaginal ultrasounds (this machine has seen WAY more action than Brian)
4) 30 injections (too many bruises to count)
5) 36 pills
6) 168 vitamins and supplements
7) 2 acupuncture treatments
8) 800 miles driven to said doctor appointments
9) I'm on the 3rd day of this headache
10) 1 meltdown (remember the picture hanging incident?)

And now, tonight is the infamous trigger shot, at 9:00pm. The nurse even drew the location on my hip with a sharpie. Retrieval is set for 8:15 am on Friday. And I'm ready.

Reflecting over the past 12 days I can honestly say that this whole experience has not been nearly as bad as I expected. In fact, if money and old eggs were not an issue, I could very easily go through this part again. I think part of my reluctance to embrace IVF is that it seemed so much like the last opportunity to have a baby. But it isn't. Even if this doesn't work out the way we want, we are not out of options for having a baby. Once I got over the fact that we were really faced with IVF I ordered Satan to stay away and keep his fear, anxiety, and dread with him and away from me. I also prayed for God to give me patience, trust and peace. I would say He has definitely delivered.

I know many of you have been praying for me. I definitely feel all of your prayers, and it is working. Please keep it up, we still have a long way to go!

Still Dragging On

Here I am, day 12 of stims. No trigger shot for me tonight, the doc is having me simmer just one more day. I go back tomorrow morning for yet another ultrasound and more bloodwork, but they are planning on having me trigger tomorrow night and then do egg retrieval on Friday and embryo transfer on Monday.

The good news is that I will be able to attend Thursday night's hockey game and Iwill be able to have my regular acupuncturist on Monday morning, rather than his fill in on Sunday.

The bad news is that I have a headache. I've had it for two days. I'm not sleeping well. I get up a couple of times a night to pee. I wake up in the middle of the night all sweaty. And I really, really want a nap RIGHT NOW. However, I need to go help for a little bit at my parent's house. Our houseguests left this morning so we will be able to have a nice, quiet, early evening.

For my retrieval on Friday I need to bring along a pair of socks and a t-shirt. I so wish I had the time and creativity to make a t-shirt emblazoned with my motto, Hey! Impreggo My Eggos! Instead, I might have to just write it on my forehead with a sharpie.

Maybe tomorrow I will get around to posting those pictures I have been promising . . .

Short and Sweet

I'm still waiting to hear about today's blood draw, however the scan went well. My doc is downright giddy with how well I am doing right now. The largest follicles are measuring 18 and 19 (up from 15 yesterday). I go back again in the morning and he is still thinking about retrieval on Thursday. The ultrasounds are starting to get pretty uncomfortable, I'm guessing because my ovaries are well on their way to becoming the size of Buicks and they are getting crowded.

Just got the call from the docs office. I will continue at my current dosages and go in tomorrow morning for another scan and more blood work. My estradiol is at 1205. Whatever that means. They are looking to have me trigger tomorrow night.

Acupuncture was great! He even commented on how nice and relaxed I am and he was very impressed. I will see him again on the day of transfer and then once between transfer and pregnancy test.

For now, I'm heading for a nap. I'm exhausted and I have a headache. Later I will share more about the family events (and pictures) from the weekend.

Things Are Still Good

Not a very creative title, but that's OK, I just couldn't think of anything else. Today's doctor visit, scan and bloodwork went very well. I am up to 14 follicles, 7 on each side, ranging in size from 9 to 15. My dosages are staying the same and I head back tomorrow morning for another ultrasound and blood draw. We are still looking at Thursday, possibly, for retrieval.

So far things are really going better than I could have hoped. I feel really good. I am energetic, yet pretty relaxed. I haven't had any headaches or anything. After 22 injections over the past 10 days I have some bruising and lots of red welts on my thighs, and bruising all around my belly button. Luckily my arms don't make me look like too much of a junkie. The blood draws have been going well, though today the nurse was barely able to get enough out of me.

We have Eric, Kari and the kids visiting for a few days so that has been keeping us busy. Kari and I are leaving shortly to take Ashley to my cousin's birthday party for her 3 year old and later today the whole family is getting together over at their house. My parents have really enjoyed being able to meet their grandson for the first time. My dad even spent some time holding Ryan. He has been practicing holding a baby during some of his recent therapy sessions. So, it is going to be a fun and busy day, which is good for keeping my mind off of things.

We finished all of our chores and projects around the house and I'm not working this next week so I should have plenty of time to rest and take it easy over the next couple of weeks. I'm looking forward to getting caught up on 3 seasons of Grey's Anatomy.

Hope everyone is having a great weekend!

Onward and Upward!

Alrighty, it looks as though my laxidaysical ovaries are getting off their lazy duffs and beginning to get some work done. I have 10 follicles and the largest on each side are measuring at 12, with the others not far behind. My doc was very happy, and didn't make any secret of it. He tends to be very conservative and cautious and certainly isn't one to gush, however, he did say he was very happy and he even smiled when he said it. It doesn't get any better than that. My dosages are remaining the same, but I am adding estrace again and starting Ganirelix tomorrow morning. I go back again on Sunday morning for another ultrasound and more bloodwork. It was great, even the nurse was giddy when she called this afternoon.

Brian is off work today so to celebrate we had lunch at a little soul food restaurant. We hadn't been there before, but had been wanting to try it. We were not disappointed, it was awesome! I had a fried catfish po' boy with corn fritters and Brian had a hot link sandwich and fries. Rounding out the meal was sweet tea and peach cobbler. Yummy yummy yum! All that sugar oughta keep those old ovaries churning away!

Thanks so much for all of the help with gaining perspective. All of your kind words really helped and the good vibes and prayers are a workin'!

Oh, and let me just add that JJ's Phoenix Mix CD is just fantastic! I have had lots of car time this week driving to the doctor and back (remember, it's an hour each way!) so I have really had the time to enjoy all of the selections, and especially the songs that JJ herself sings. Simply amazing! What a special treat that has been. Thanks JJ!

Desperately Seeking Perspective

Updated at the bottom with suggestions for gaining perspective from my friends!

That's me . . . "Desperately Seeking Perspective". Did you see my ad in the paper this morning? In part, it read: First time IVFer is beginning to lose it after only 6 days of stims. Allegedly lazy ovaries are prompting feelings of doom and gloom and panic!

OK, this is completely unacceptable! I can't have this kind of thinking! So I've spent the day trying to change my thinking a little bit. OK, a lot of bit. These are the things I have been reminding myself of:
1) This may be MY first IVF cycle, but it isn't my doctor's first.
2) It is still early. I have another, possibly, 6 days to stim.
3) I don't need to set any records for follicle development. In fact, given my age, I'm unlikely to come up with anything the least bit impressive. A modest showing is OK.
4) It is still early!
5) No amount of worry can help this situation.
6) I need to chill out.

Feel free to offer up suggestions for me, and I will add additional comments to the list.

And here is the growing list . . . . as suggested by you, my oh-so-kind readers:
7) Breathe in . . . breathe out
8) Drink. Drink copius amounts of alcohol while you still can. It won't feel good in the morning, but it will temporarily change your perspective.
9) Often times follicles start off slow and then suddenly take off, like the body needs to warm up or something. So you could go next time and things could be completely different.
10) Even when women have responded poorly to stims, there have been many cases where they took what they had and still ended up with a positive outcome at the end of their IVF.
11) I am praying for you! Prayer is powerful and God can go above and beyond what "appears" to be happening!
12) Keep a smile on your face! Research has proven that smiling reduces stress and helps you feel better overall!
13) Go out with the girls!
14) Keep being strong and continue to move forward and hope for the best.
15) Keep yourself busy with the "3B's" - books, booze and buddies

Keepin' On Keepin' On

It seems as though my ovaries are being a little bit lazy, or in other words, in no big hurry to get this show on the road. Today's ultrasound and bloodwork showed evenly sized follicles, but still pretty small. They haven't made any great progress, though hormone levels are rising slowly. My current dosages are remaining the same and my doctor was quick to point out that we are still moving forward. He said that some docs start Ganirelix (I have it in my stash, but don't know what on earth it does) automatically on day 6 (which is where I am now) but that he himself prefers to go by follicle size. So, we are going to recheck things on Friday.

I know the game isn't over yet, shoot, it has barely gotten started. However, I'm afraid a little worry is creeping in that my ovaries aren't going to cooperate and that this is going to be the end of the road. I think I've read somewhere that it's better to stim slowly than quickly since the egg quality seems to be better. I'm hoping that is true. I'm hoping that my ovaries get off their lazy duffs and start producing. I know that this is our best shot, but at the same time there is so much riding on this being successful. I don't feel ready to be "done" if things don't work out right.

I'm starting to ramble, so it's time to sign off for now before I really work myself into a tizzy.

Still Moving Forward

These have been a busy couple of days. We spent Saturday running errands and trying to discover some local undiscovered places. About all we came up with was a good Mexican restaurant for lunch. Later that evening we went to the hockey game since our season ticket partners couldn't make it. That was a nice, unexpected night out. Though, I did have to get my evening injection in the car in the parking lot!

On Sunday we worked around the house. We are still trying to get things in order from our painting adventures. We also had my dad over to supervise picture hanging and watch ball games with Brian. I also had my first fertility med induced meltdown. Over hanging pictures. Oh jeez! Not one of my finer moments. We also made dinner and my mom came over to join us. Brian made a pork loin and super yummy green beans, and I made twice baked potatoes and an apple pie. Don't be too impressed. I got the pie from the freezer. Oh, and the pictures still are not up on the walls, which is why I haven't yet posted pictures of our new decor.

Monday brought a morning of helping at my parent's house followed by a drive to the other side of the valley for my appointments. I had another ultrasound and bloodwork. Everything is still good and we are moving forward. My follicles are still small and even and hormone levels are where they need to be. I had time for a quick Target run and lunch before acupuncture. Then it was time to drive home to meet the day's tutoring kids and that kept me busy until 5:30. Then it was time to leave again for my support group meeting. That went really well and I can't wait for the next one. It is just so helpful to talk to people who really know what you are talking about and who don't think you are a raving lunatic. By the time I got home I was dead tired and went right to bed, stopping only for the evening injection and handful of pills.

Today was just plain more of being busy. I started the morning at my parent's to help out. Then I went to the gym and ran a couple of quick errands before heading home to pay bills and balance our bank accounts. Yuck. I really, really, really hate that chore. It's almost as bad as cleaning bathrooms. I also did massive amounts of laundry today, but got it all done. I even got a pasta casserole made before my first tutoring kids came. Tonight we are off to another hockey game, and it means another injection in the car.

Pretty boring, huh?

I have had plenty of time to think, and I've been thinking lots of thoughts. Thoughts that I will have to share at another time because I don't think I'm done sorting things out right now.