Saturday, October 20, 2007

Still Wanna Know?

This morning rolled around and I just couldn't take it anymore. I succumbed to the pressure and dug out the dreaded box of devil sticks, aka pregnancy tests. This is what I saw:

And so my last ditch effort to have a biological child is done and over with.
Let's see, just how many ways can I put this?

1) There is no bun in the oven

2) There is no pea in the pod

3) I am not with child

4) I am not expecting

5) The rabbit is safe

6) I am the Biggest Loser

You know how most people gain weight during an IVF cycle? Sometimes as much as 10 pounds? Get this, I lost 5 pounds. And this after not going to the gym for a solid month and subsisting on a solid diet of chocolate and macaroni and cheese while laying around watching far too much TV. This is, by far, the most expensive 5 pounds I have ever lost.

Oh, I did go for the beta test this morning. Then after breakfast I shoved a couple of extra strength excedrin down my gullet to try to get rid of this headache that has been the bane of my existence for the past 4 days.

And so now I just wait for official word from the RE's office, and I will hit "publish post" as soon as I get it.

Yup, it's officially official: Negative.

Operation "Hey! Impreggo My Eggos" is officially over and done.

Next appointment with the RE is on the 29th.

Oh, and if you know me in real life, please don't make me have to cheer you up. I've got all I can handle.


  1. Gawd, I am so so sorry this didn't work. I hope you're doing as well as could be expected given this shitty news, and that you're at least with Brian right now for some comfort.

  2. Nope, Brian's at work this morning and I'm home by myself watching season 3 of Grey's Anatomy.

  3. Chris, I'm so sorry to hear the news.

  4. Anonymous10:55 AM

    I am so incredibly sorry Chris. I've been following your journey (delurking for the 1st time) and even said a little prayer for you this morning when I went on a walk for some good news. :( Hang in there.

  5. No!



    I'm disappointed for you, Chris. You gave it a great shot. I'm really sorry there wasn't a different outcome.

    take care,


  6. Oh Chris, I am just sitting here in utter shocked. I really thought this was it for you. I'm sitting here and thinking of you. I'm so sorry.

  7. I'm so sorry, Chris. I'm so sorry you saw those two words. I'm thinking of you.

  8. I'm really sorry, Chris. I was so hoping this was it for you. Big hugs.

  9. I am at a total loss of words. I have a few ugly words on the tip of my tongue I will hold onto until I start drinking in honor of you.


  10. Anonymous12:38 PM

    I have been following your blog for a few months now as I am literally on the same path as you...age, ivf, thought processes, etc.

    I literally came inside from painting to check the news and literally had a pang in my chest and stomach as I was logging on.

    It is amazing how we can come to care for complete strangers through this journey. Words truly do not express how sad I am for you today. I am thinking of you in Massachusetts.

  11. So very sorry, infertility is the cruelist bitch I know.

  12. Shit.

    I hope you have some wonderful IRL friends that will say and do all the right things~whatever they may be.

  13. I have been following your journey and just wanted to say that I am so sorry that you are dealing with a negative. The hurt of infertility is beyond words. Hope you can feel the strength I am sending your way.

  14. I am sad for you...I had been online earlier today and you still hadn't posted. I was hoping that no news was good news. I really wish I knew what to say to comfort you. Sometimes, life just isn't fair...for no reason at all. Take a long, hot bath and try to relieve some tension. I will be thinking of you, my sweet friend!

  15. Oh no, Chris. I am so incredibly heartbroken for you. I was thinking of you all day while I was out of town and now I am so sad. I wish I had more words to say to you. Please be good to yourself while you take all the time you need to heal. I'll be thinking of and praying for you to find peace. XOXO Love you like a sis.

  16. Oh Chris, I'm so sorry. This sucks. I hope you can feel the thousand warm hugs I'm sending you.

  17. Hi there,
    I have also been following your journey and was crossing my fingers for you. I am so sorry for this news. My heart breaks for you! Thinking of you in California.

  18. There are things in life that are not fair. There are things in life that you can't explain. This is one of those times. They say bad things happen to good people and I know this is true. But why? My heart is breaking for you and I know there is NOTHING that I can say or do right now to make this better. Just know that I am here, if you want someone to hate the world with, I am here. . .

  19. Oh no, Chris!

    There is nothing I can say, except how very sorry I am, and how I am thinking of you.

    It makes me wonder just what the hell the Universe is thinking.

    Sending love and hugs your way~

  20. I'm very sorry Chris. My prayers are with you.

  21. Sorry. Thinking of you.

  22. I know there are no words that will make you feel better. Just know that you're not alone. I join many others here in thinking about you and wishing I could dull your pain.

  23. Anonymous3:46 PM

    Im sorry Chris. I really am.

    Laurie D.

  24. Anonymous5:00 PM

    Hi Chris. I am so sorry. Seeing that "not pregnant" message took my breath away, and time stood still. It brought me back to all our failed in vitro/iui attempts. Time really does stand still. It's hard news to comprehend and to know what to do next.

    But don't ever tell yourself you will stop trying for a biological baby. Maybe the treatments will stop. And stopping them at some point is good -- since who knows what all these drugs are doing to our bodies.

    Again, I am so sorry. But keep trying naturally for this baby. Like one RE told us once, sperm and egg eventually meet. IVF just speeds up that process.


  25. Chris, I'm so sorry. I wanted this so badly for you. I have to tell you that my heart sank when I saw "not pregnant". I just can't believe it. I know there are no words...I sure wish I could give you a big ol hug!!!!

  26. I am so sorry Chris. Maybe the BETA will give you different news?
    Your post was very difficult for me, as my IVF journey has been bery similar to yours, and at 8dpt, I have not got a single symptom.

  27. I mean "very". All these hormones must be affecting my spelling.

  28. I am so sorry sweetie, I wish I knew what to say. Try and be good to yourself, you are NOT A LOSER!


  29. No! I was waiting to check your blog all weekend! I am so sorry. I wish I had the words to make you feel better. (Hugs)

  30. I am so sorry to hear the news...wishing I could be there to keep you company-you are in my prayers, Chris.