I'm a proponent of Hope. I like Hope. I'm all for it. I've even got some. But wouldn't it be nice if my Hope knew some boundaries? Is that really too much to ask?
Let me give some examples of appropriate appearances of Hope in my life:
I have Hope that we will be led to our child through the adoption process. This is good.
I have Hope that we will figure things out financially. This is good.
I have Hope that full-time teaching will be enjoyable and not too stressful. This may be a stretch, but this is good.
I have Hope that my dad will continue to gain strength and meaningful ability, and that my mom will figure out a way to be happy. This is good.
And now for the inappropriate, indiscriminate Hope:
Despite my best efforts to the contrary, I still have Hopes of getting pregnant naturally. And this is completely ridiculous, especially for this cycle. Especially considering that I was 1,200 miles away from Brian before, during and after my prime time. Just a reminder, but I have been completely unable to achieve a pregnancy while being MUCH closer to Brian during all of the right times, and let's not forget about $30,000 worth of assisted reproductive technologies. This, is decidedly NOT GOOD.
And where does this misguided Hope come from?
First of all, this month last year is when I did get pregnant. Secondly, since my IVF cycle last October my normally 28 day cycles have been about 24-26 days. I'm currently at day 25. I normally have 4 to 5 days of PMS symptoms before even starting, and right now there is nothing. Eerily similar to a year ago.
So as you can see Hope is behaving in a foolishly indiscriminate manner. I'm going to do my best to ignore her. In fact, I've got tons of weeds to pull in the front and back yards, so I best get to it.
Oh, please be sure to check out my latest poll. As for me, I'm a big fan of chocolate. Duh.
Showing posts with label Hope. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Hope. Show all posts
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Something to Think About
Yesterday Brian and I went to our follow up appointment with our RE. I had already played in my mind how it was going to go down. I imagined him saying something like this, "Your eggs are rotten. Either move on to donor eggs or get on with your life". Imagine my surprise when the conversation didn't play out like that.
Instead, he said that he was very pleased with my cycle up through retrieval. I responded better than he thought I would and there were more follicles than he thought. Also, each follicle retrieved had an egg in it, which just amazed him. However, since not all of the eggs were mature he thinks I could have gone another day on stims. Most importantly, he was quick to point out that my eggs aren't necessarily rotten. I've still got some good stuff to work with. Apparently, it went well enough that he thinks it warrants considering trying it again.
Of course he did talk about using donor eggs. However, that (at $50,000) is so seriously not a viable option for us, I don't care what kind of financing options there are!
But back to my eggos. There are a few tweaks to the protocol that he can do to shoot for an even better number of mature eggs. He was quick to point out that if an any point it looked like the response wouldn't be as good as last time he would cancel the cycle and convert us to an IUI.
After we were this far into the conversation we mentioned our insurance changes taking place in January. Which means, he told us all of the above before knowing that there might actually be a financial way we could work this out. That makes me feel better. However, our doctor is not on our insurance company's list. So, he is having his office manager work on Brian's insurance company including our doctor.
Oh, and the fact that coverage doesn't kick in until January? No problem, my doctor wants to give my slovaries a chance to rest and recover and wouldn't want to start anything until about then anyhow.
You may recall that I said, once upon a time, that this whole IVF thing wasn't so bad. That it was, in fact, not as hard as I expected and that if not for rotten eggs and $18,000 I could do it over and over again. (Mind you, this was before I lived the week and a half it has been since my negative beta.) So here we are, money won't be as much of an issue. And rotten eggs may not be much of an issue either. So where does that leave me? With considering another ride on the IVF roller coaster.
I say considering because the doctor gives me hope, yet the past week and a half gives me great fear. Fear that next time it will be even worse after a negative beta. When all hope truly is lost.
Luckily a decision does not need to be made today, or even tomorrow, or next week. We have time to mull it over and think about just how far we want to push. But it does make me wonder . . . a few days ago I saw our impending insurance coverage as added insult to injury. And now it is starting to look like the makings of a second chance. A last chance. The question will be whether I have the courage to take it.
Instead, he said that he was very pleased with my cycle up through retrieval. I responded better than he thought I would and there were more follicles than he thought. Also, each follicle retrieved had an egg in it, which just amazed him. However, since not all of the eggs were mature he thinks I could have gone another day on stims. Most importantly, he was quick to point out that my eggs aren't necessarily rotten. I've still got some good stuff to work with. Apparently, it went well enough that he thinks it warrants considering trying it again.
Of course he did talk about using donor eggs. However, that (at $50,000) is so seriously not a viable option for us, I don't care what kind of financing options there are!
But back to my eggos. There are a few tweaks to the protocol that he can do to shoot for an even better number of mature eggs. He was quick to point out that if an any point it looked like the response wouldn't be as good as last time he would cancel the cycle and convert us to an IUI.
After we were this far into the conversation we mentioned our insurance changes taking place in January. Which means, he told us all of the above before knowing that there might actually be a financial way we could work this out. That makes me feel better. However, our doctor is not on our insurance company's list. So, he is having his office manager work on Brian's insurance company including our doctor.
Oh, and the fact that coverage doesn't kick in until January? No problem, my doctor wants to give my slovaries a chance to rest and recover and wouldn't want to start anything until about then anyhow.
You may recall that I said, once upon a time, that this whole IVF thing wasn't so bad. That it was, in fact, not as hard as I expected and that if not for rotten eggs and $18,000 I could do it over and over again. (Mind you, this was before I lived the week and a half it has been since my negative beta.) So here we are, money won't be as much of an issue. And rotten eggs may not be much of an issue either. So where does that leave me? With considering another ride on the IVF roller coaster.
I say considering because the doctor gives me hope, yet the past week and a half gives me great fear. Fear that next time it will be even worse after a negative beta. When all hope truly is lost.
Luckily a decision does not need to be made today, or even tomorrow, or next week. We have time to mull it over and think about just how far we want to push. But it does make me wonder . . . a few days ago I saw our impending insurance coverage as added insult to injury. And now it is starting to look like the makings of a second chance. A last chance. The question will be whether I have the courage to take it.
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Feelin' the Love
Yup, that would be me, feelin' the love. Thanks for the outpouring of support both in the form of comments and personal emails in response to my last post. I truly, truly appreciate it!
My friend Meghan sent me an email that really made a point that I hadn't considered before. I liked it so much that (with her permission) I am sharing it here.
The bottom line is this... you are meant to be a Mom. I always viewed it like this.. if a child dies or leaves this world before their parent, a mother is still a mother. I believe it is that way before a child is brought into this world as well. It's like DNA...it's already there. For me, the vision of a cherub baby waiting on a cloud somewhere in heaven for his or her right time to come to me, gave me hope. Knowing that one way or another we would have that family, took a little of the sting out of IVF. For me, I sometimes felt like I was betraying my IVF cycle if I had any thoughts of adoption. I know now that there's no truth in that. As long as you are committed to blooming into the Mom that you already are, that baby is going to come one way or another. I got a good laugh at your comment on your blog... "I am reduced to a sniveling, sniffly pile of goo upon the floor". I just have to tell you that even if you do find yourself there (speaking from my prior days in goo-ville), it will lead you to a place you could've never imagined. My life changed 180% the day Vince and I decided to go forward with adoption. I swear it was like someone lifted the incredible burden I had carried around EVERYWHERE with me for the last 4+ years. No one could have prepared me for the relief, peace, and excitement I would feel in closing the door to infertility and opening the other to adoption. I still wonder why and if at times but the constant heartache & pain has faded, it doesn't really matter, my daughter is waiting.
So, hang tight girl! You have everything to be optimistic about. Your body wants to be pregnant (it's already said so) and you're in the care of a great doctor & acupuncturist who are going to do everything they can to make it all work for you. You have every right to have this first time work, so envision that! As for the delay in it all, that could just be fate. If you believe that everything happens for a reason, then that baby has his or her own destiny and it has to come at just the right time.
These were just some of the many words that I needed to hear. And it has given me a little change in perspective on the whole thing and makes it seem all the more doable. So, I'm going to continue clutching onto these good thoughts, as well as all of the others that have been shared with me, and carry them with me through the rest of this journey, wherever it takes us.
And one last thought, tomorrow, Friday, marks the one year anniversary of the day my Dad had his accident, of the day we almost lost him. I do consider ourselves blessed that we have had all of this extra bonus time with him, even though so many aspects of life are so different and difficult now. But I do long for how things should have been.
My friend Meghan sent me an email that really made a point that I hadn't considered before. I liked it so much that (with her permission) I am sharing it here.
The bottom line is this... you are meant to be a Mom. I always viewed it like this.. if a child dies or leaves this world before their parent, a mother is still a mother. I believe it is that way before a child is brought into this world as well. It's like DNA...it's already there. For me, the vision of a cherub baby waiting on a cloud somewhere in heaven for his or her right time to come to me, gave me hope. Knowing that one way or another we would have that family, took a little of the sting out of IVF. For me, I sometimes felt like I was betraying my IVF cycle if I had any thoughts of adoption. I know now that there's no truth in that. As long as you are committed to blooming into the Mom that you already are, that baby is going to come one way or another. I got a good laugh at your comment on your blog... "I am reduced to a sniveling, sniffly pile of goo upon the floor". I just have to tell you that even if you do find yourself there (speaking from my prior days in goo-ville), it will lead you to a place you could've never imagined. My life changed 180% the day Vince and I decided to go forward with adoption. I swear it was like someone lifted the incredible burden I had carried around EVERYWHERE with me for the last 4+ years. No one could have prepared me for the relief, peace, and excitement I would feel in closing the door to infertility and opening the other to adoption. I still wonder why and if at times but the constant heartache & pain has faded, it doesn't really matter, my daughter is waiting.
So, hang tight girl! You have everything to be optimistic about. Your body wants to be pregnant (it's already said so) and you're in the care of a great doctor & acupuncturist who are going to do everything they can to make it all work for you. You have every right to have this first time work, so envision that! As for the delay in it all, that could just be fate. If you believe that everything happens for a reason, then that baby has his or her own destiny and it has to come at just the right time.
These were just some of the many words that I needed to hear. And it has given me a little change in perspective on the whole thing and makes it seem all the more doable. So, I'm going to continue clutching onto these good thoughts, as well as all of the others that have been shared with me, and carry them with me through the rest of this journey, wherever it takes us.
And one last thought, tomorrow, Friday, marks the one year anniversary of the day my Dad had his accident, of the day we almost lost him. I do consider ourselves blessed that we have had all of this extra bonus time with him, even though so many aspects of life are so different and difficult now. But I do long for how things should have been.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Purpose in Life
This morning was yet another time when I opened up "Moments for Couples Who Long for Children" to exactly what I needed to read. It seems that whenever I open up this book, wherever in the book I turn, it is exactly what I need to read at that moment. It's getting to be kinda creepy. I don't read it everyday, sometimes days or weeks go by, but every now and again I am pulled to it and turn to just the right page.
Anyhow . . . this passage was all about how infertility turns your world upside down and derails all kinds of plans and leads you to feeling helpless to getting back on track. Hmmm, truer words have never been spoken. Infertility leads you to question your purpose in life, wondering what you should do if children are not in your future, or immediate future. I know I ponder this all of the time. After all, we came to Arizona to raise a family. I quit teaching after one horrid year to stay home and have and take care of this family. None of this has happened, so now what? Well, the passage goes on to remind that God promises that we do have a purpose. It might be different from what I have come up with, or on a different timeframe, but there is a purpose. As such, I have no responsibility in creating the purpose, or bringing it to pass, my only responsibility is to look to God for guidance as He reveals the purpose, and then to follow it. So apparently, my "wait and see" holding pattern here is exactly what I should be doing right now. Go figure.
The passage goes on to discuss how this crisis of infertility is likely part of my purpose, as suffering has been shown to lead to healing and spiritual growth. During suffering we are much more likely to turn to God and follow His lead. God will not allow our sorrows to be wasted. From where we stand we cannot possibly see the whole picture. This suffering might seem like an end, but it is really a means to an end that we can't see. Now here's another interesting thought . . . the loneliness of infertility becomes a blessing as God reveals comforts and helps us to comfort others. Wow, I have seen that happen with these blogs. I have found comfort in reading what others have experienced on their journeys. Writing is an outlet for me. Reading this can be a comfort to others in ways that I may not imagine, helping someone I may not even know.
And finally, the prayer of the passage . . .
Lord, perhaps we can't see Your clear purpose in our waiting for a child, but it eases our pain to know You do indeed have a plan. help us to remember that every little obstacle, every lonely week that passes and every month that disappoints us is moving us toward the fulfillment of Your plan, not away from it.
It is my hope that someone reading this will find it contains some of the words that they needed to hear today, and that someone may gain some comfort from these words.
Anyhow . . . this passage was all about how infertility turns your world upside down and derails all kinds of plans and leads you to feeling helpless to getting back on track. Hmmm, truer words have never been spoken. Infertility leads you to question your purpose in life, wondering what you should do if children are not in your future, or immediate future. I know I ponder this all of the time. After all, we came to Arizona to raise a family. I quit teaching after one horrid year to stay home and have and take care of this family. None of this has happened, so now what? Well, the passage goes on to remind that God promises that we do have a purpose. It might be different from what I have come up with, or on a different timeframe, but there is a purpose. As such, I have no responsibility in creating the purpose, or bringing it to pass, my only responsibility is to look to God for guidance as He reveals the purpose, and then to follow it. So apparently, my "wait and see" holding pattern here is exactly what I should be doing right now. Go figure.
The passage goes on to discuss how this crisis of infertility is likely part of my purpose, as suffering has been shown to lead to healing and spiritual growth. During suffering we are much more likely to turn to God and follow His lead. God will not allow our sorrows to be wasted. From where we stand we cannot possibly see the whole picture. This suffering might seem like an end, but it is really a means to an end that we can't see. Now here's another interesting thought . . . the loneliness of infertility becomes a blessing as God reveals comforts and helps us to comfort others. Wow, I have seen that happen with these blogs. I have found comfort in reading what others have experienced on their journeys. Writing is an outlet for me. Reading this can be a comfort to others in ways that I may not imagine, helping someone I may not even know.
And finally, the prayer of the passage . . .
Lord, perhaps we can't see Your clear purpose in our waiting for a child, but it eases our pain to know You do indeed have a plan. help us to remember that every little obstacle, every lonely week that passes and every month that disappoints us is moving us toward the fulfillment of Your plan, not away from it.
It is my hope that someone reading this will find it contains some of the words that they needed to hear today, and that someone may gain some comfort from these words.
Thursday, July 05, 2007
Hope Wavered, But Didn't Leave Me
I must say that Hope was at an all time high over the past couple of weeks. I have been feeling really good, I've been treating myself really well, temperatures have been doing appropriate things, and timing was pretty good. Plus, I had some encouraging dreams, and many of you know how my dreams can be. On Tuesday Hope was still mighty high. My temp was still high and I had nary a PMS symptom, and it was day 27. However, yesterday, day 28, my temp took a nosedive, but I still had no symptoms so I still had Hope. Until Aunt Flo showed up in all of her glory.
Hope wavered, but held strong, even surprising me.
Here's why . . .
1) I'm still right on with 28 day cycles
2) NO PMS symptoms!!!
3) I feel good, and calm, and relaxed
4) Maybe this will be the month
5) One day this will all be resolved and we will be parents.
Hope rocks!
Hope wavered, but held strong, even surprising me.
Here's why . . .
1) I'm still right on with 28 day cycles
2) NO PMS symptoms!!!
3) I feel good, and calm, and relaxed
4) Maybe this will be the month
5) One day this will all be resolved and we will be parents.
Hope rocks!
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