Thursday, March 20, 2008

Indiscriminate Hope

I'm a proponent of Hope. I like Hope. I'm all for it. I've even got some. But wouldn't it be nice if my Hope knew some boundaries? Is that really too much to ask?

Let me give some examples of appropriate appearances of Hope in my life:

I have Hope that we will be led to our child through the adoption process. This is good.

I have Hope that we will figure things out financially. This is good.

I have Hope that full-time teaching will be enjoyable and not too stressful. This may be a stretch, but this is good.

I have Hope that my dad will continue to gain strength and meaningful ability, and that my mom will figure out a way to be happy. This is good.

And now for the inappropriate, indiscriminate Hope:

Despite my best efforts to the contrary, I still have Hopes of getting pregnant naturally. And this is completely ridiculous, especially for this cycle. Especially considering that I was 1,200 miles away from Brian before, during and after my prime time. Just a reminder, but I have been completely unable to achieve a pregnancy while being MUCH closer to Brian during all of the right times, and let's not forget about $30,000 worth of assisted reproductive technologies. This, is decidedly NOT GOOD.

And where does this misguided Hope come from?

First of all, this month last year is when I did get pregnant. Secondly, since my IVF cycle last October my normally 28 day cycles have been about 24-26 days. I'm currently at day 25. I normally have 4 to 5 days of PMS symptoms before even starting, and right now there is nothing. Eerily similar to a year ago.

So as you can see Hope is behaving in a foolishly indiscriminate manner. I'm going to do my best to ignore her. In fact, I've got tons of weeds to pull in the front and back yards, so I best get to it.

Oh, please be sure to check out my latest poll. As for me, I'm a big fan of chocolate. Duh.

12 comments:

  1. I think losing hope altogether would be a horrible thing, so I am glad that you still have these hopes.

    I am certain, as you are, that no matter what, you will end up as a mother. And I will be over the moon for you when that day comes!!!

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  2. I've got hope for you here too. I think life without hope would be very tough. I'm so hopeful for you to be a mom someway, somehow.

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  3. I'll be desperately hoping that day 25 turns into much, much longer!

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  4. THat is right Never loss Hope!

    I voted jelly beans but it didn't take. My all time fav is the cadbury eggs

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  5. Hope is just such a bitch. You gotta hang onto it but it's the inevitable control that it has over us that's so hard.

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  6. I can understand having hope, just because you take a new path doesn't mean you forget about the previous one.

    Oh, Cadbury's eggs are my favorite too!

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  7. I'm hoping right alongside of you. Here's to an Easter miracle!

    And speaking of Easter, give me the chocolate anyday! :)

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  8. I can't imagine life without hope-- so hold on to your hopes and regarding this cycle-- I am hoping with you that it turns out to be something. Happy Easter-- I will be checking in, so please keep us posted!

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  9. Hope is a hard thing to deal with...it's such an uplifting thing, but it can also be so disappointing. I'm trying so hard to put my hope into things that can't fail me.

    I'll see you soon, and am anxious to catch up with everything going on.

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  10. It's impossible to let go because there are so many stories out there that you grab onto and say, "why not?" If it happened to her, why can't it happen to me? And that's what sucks so hardcore about those stories.

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  11. Hope it a double edged sword. It is great to feel hopeful but if it doesn't work out, you feel all the worse. But from my experience and from reading about everyone else's experiences, you just can't keep her down. She's irrepressible so you might as well go along with her willingly. Even the most reluctant heart eventually gets lured in by hope.

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  12. You've got me hoping for you now too!

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