I'm ready to crawl out from under my rock where I have been hiding for the past couple of weeks. And let me tell you, it certainly hasn't been any fun here. The past couple of weeks have been really hard, and during that time I haven't been a very good blogger at all. I've been somewhat keeping up with what's going on with my bloggy friends, but I haven't been commenting at all. I've tried, but just haven't been able to come up with anything that might have been remotely helpful, so I've just kept quiet. And I do feel really bad about that, after all, everyone has been so wonderfully supportive and then I just wasn't capable of doing the same. I also have been pretty unresponsive to my real life friends as well. It just hasn't been a fun time. Oh, and I still haven't taken a sub job. I haven't worked since the middle of September.
Initially I tried to blame my rotten mood on plummeting hormone levels and the after affects of all of the fertility meds. However, it has really been more than that. Physically I just wasn't feeling well at all. I had been really tired and just didn't seem to have the energy to do anything. I was also suffering from frequent headaches and I wasn't sleeping well at night. I had no appetite, and when I did eat I would feel like I had rocks in my gut for hours afterwards. All I wanted to do was stay home and lounge around in my jammies. All I did was think, and worry, and obsess about what our next steps should be. And think and worry about what *might* happen months down the road. Plus, I've been really emotional. Everything would make me cry, at the drop of a hat. Really, not fun, or pretty.
Finally, about a week and a half ago I realized that this just wasn't right and I needed so help. So, I sent my acupuncturist an email explaining that I was feeling really out of whack and needed to get my whack back. He saw me the next day. It was an hour and a half of acupressure/acupuncture/guided meditation/therapy. And it helped. Just a little bit, but it got the ball rolling. I went back again on Thursday for another marathon session. And I feel much better, more like me.
Apparently my chi is blocked. What's blocking it? Stress and anxiety. So, I was told to take a teaspoon of organic apple cider vinegar before each meal to help with my tummy troubles. Yes, it is every bit as revolting as it sounds. However, it helped. It made me feel better. I've also been exercising just a little bit, mainly walking outdoors and getting some fresh air. And I've been listening to my guided meditations (thanks Meghan!) on my ipod. And I've been trying to focus on the here and now rather than worrying about the future. And I've decided not to decide anything until I'm feeling better.
I've also been getting together with some new people. Mainly some of the girls in my support group. In fact, go give Heather at Plans for a Hope and a Future a nice warm welcome as she is new to the blogging world. I also met a fellow Phoenix blogger, Steph of The Princess Shine Pages , and her little guy, for coffee. For those of you who are familiar with her, and even if you aren't, let me tell you that in person she is way fun and I'm looking forward to meeting up with her again. I've also started spending some time with my parents again. We went to the casino the other day and I spent yesterday helping to clean out the garage. I also participated in some retail therapy. I bought 3 pairs of shoes.
And now, the nitty gritty: the results of my poll about the IVF roller coaster. Yes, it seems that the overwhelming consensus is that we should try again. And I'm not ready to commit to that right now. We feel led to pursue fost/adopt. And it will happen whether or not we pursue another round of IVF. It really isn't an either/or type of situation. In fact, my greatest peace, at the moment, comes from thinking that I'm not going to do IVF again. After much angst (remember the entire first part of this post?) I'm finally ready to admit that my greatest fear isn't that another round of IVF won't work, but that it will. Yup, that's right. I'm afraid that it will work. And that I will miscarry again or have a super dangerous pregnancy. How crazy am I? So for now I'm not going to worry about it. For now I'm going to go along like I'm not going to do it again, but I'm reserving my right as a woman to change my mind. Because if I do it again I need to be excited about it. And right now I can't dredge up any excitement, though I can dredge up excitement about fost/adopt. Most importantly, I have a good two months to mull it over and decide if I really want this second chance, or if I am willing to walk away from it and not have regrets about it later.
While I take my time deciding, one way or another, at least I am on my way back to being me. And that should be good news to some folks. Because at least my house is clean again, I've been to the grocery store, and I've begun to cook and bake again.