Sunday, November 11, 2007

I'm Back, and I'm Almost Me Again

I'm ready to crawl out from under my rock where I have been hiding for the past couple of weeks. And let me tell you, it certainly hasn't been any fun here. The past couple of weeks have been really hard, and during that time I haven't been a very good blogger at all. I've been somewhat keeping up with what's going on with my bloggy friends, but I haven't been commenting at all. I've tried, but just haven't been able to come up with anything that might have been remotely helpful, so I've just kept quiet. And I do feel really bad about that, after all, everyone has been so wonderfully supportive and then I just wasn't capable of doing the same. I also have been pretty unresponsive to my real life friends as well. It just hasn't been a fun time. Oh, and I still haven't taken a sub job. I haven't worked since the middle of September.

Initially I tried to blame my rotten mood on plummeting hormone levels and the after affects of all of the fertility meds. However, it has really been more than that. Physically I just wasn't feeling well at all. I had been really tired and just didn't seem to have the energy to do anything. I was also suffering from frequent headaches and I wasn't sleeping well at night. I had no appetite, and when I did eat I would feel like I had rocks in my gut for hours afterwards. All I wanted to do was stay home and lounge around in my jammies. All I did was think, and worry, and obsess about what our next steps should be. And think and worry about what *might* happen months down the road. Plus, I've been really emotional. Everything would make me cry, at the drop of a hat. Really, not fun, or pretty.

Finally, about a week and a half ago I realized that this just wasn't right and I needed so help. So, I sent my acupuncturist an email explaining that I was feeling really out of whack and needed to get my whack back. He saw me the next day. It was an hour and a half of acupressure/acupuncture/guided meditation/therapy. And it helped. Just a little bit, but it got the ball rolling. I went back again on Thursday for another marathon session. And I feel much better, more like me.

Apparently my chi is blocked. What's blocking it? Stress and anxiety. So, I was told to take a teaspoon of organic apple cider vinegar before each meal to help with my tummy troubles. Yes, it is every bit as revolting as it sounds. However, it helped. It made me feel better. I've also been exercising just a little bit, mainly walking outdoors and getting some fresh air. And I've been listening to my guided meditations (thanks Meghan!) on my ipod. And I've been trying to focus on the here and now rather than worrying about the future. And I've decided not to decide anything until I'm feeling better.

I've also been getting together with some new people. Mainly some of the girls in my support group. In fact, go give Heather at Plans for a Hope and a Future a nice warm welcome as she is new to the blogging world. I also met a fellow Phoenix blogger, Steph of The Princess Shine Pages , and her little guy, for coffee. For those of you who are familiar with her, and even if you aren't, let me tell you that in person she is way fun and I'm looking forward to meeting up with her again. I've also started spending some time with my parents again. We went to the casino the other day and I spent yesterday helping to clean out the garage. I also participated in some retail therapy. I bought 3 pairs of shoes.

And now, the nitty gritty: the results of my poll about the IVF roller coaster. Yes, it seems that the overwhelming consensus is that we should try again. And I'm not ready to commit to that right now. We feel led to pursue fost/adopt. And it will happen whether or not we pursue another round of IVF. It really isn't an either/or type of situation. In fact, my greatest peace, at the moment, comes from thinking that I'm not going to do IVF again. After much angst (remember the entire first part of this post?) I'm finally ready to admit that my greatest fear isn't that another round of IVF won't work, but that it will. Yup, that's right. I'm afraid that it will work. And that I will miscarry again or have a super dangerous pregnancy. How crazy am I? So for now I'm not going to worry about it. For now I'm going to go along like I'm not going to do it again, but I'm reserving my right as a woman to change my mind. Because if I do it again I need to be excited about it. And right now I can't dredge up any excitement, though I can dredge up excitement about fost/adopt. Most importantly, I have a good two months to mull it over and decide if I really want this second chance, or if I am willing to walk away from it and not have regrets about it later.

While I take my time deciding, one way or another, at least I am on my way back to being me. And that should be good news to some folks. Because at least my house is clean again, I've been to the grocery store, and I've begun to cook and bake again.


  1. I'm glad you're starting to feel like you again...but don't feel badly about taking as much time as you needed to crawl into a hole...I would need it too. I think in some ways I've been in a hole for almost 3 years now. So you're on a roll compared to me :)

    Can't wait to see you again in a couple of weeks - praying for you as you keep going forward.

  2. You have been in a tough place. It is normal to be where you are. Just don't stay there. No worries about the blog world. I just posted about that yesterday. I was so behind and it was causing me to stress. Take care of yourself first. We all will manage. Barely, :).


  3. Anonymous7:26 AM

    I saw your comment on my blog this morning and I am so glad you are back. I have been a bit worried about you.

    I think that it is good you have made some decisions regarding your path to parenthood. I think foster/adoption is a great plan. It will help a lot in relieving your fear of losing another baby.

  4. Welcome back, we missed you. I'm glad that time, rest, acupuncture, meditation and vinegar are helping. I always had a physical crash after each cycle. Although I know much of it was emotional, I don't think we can discount how much we eff up our bodies with all the hormones and whatnot. Take time to heal -- inside and out -- we'll wait patiently while you do.

    Sending you lots of hugs, Chris.

  5. Your words really hit home with me. Your roller coaster seems to be ending, and I am sending you peaceful vibes your way.
    We are persuing adoption too-you will have to let me know how it goes for you.

  6. You're not crazy. I don't speak from IVF experience but I do know that pursuing a pregnancy has unfortunately the potential for quite a bit of heartache, and that achieving one has the potential for even more. It's not easy at all.

  7. hi Chris,
    I'm so happy to hear from you. I purposely didnt contact you because I had a feeling you needed some away time. But I'm so glad you are getting back to the normalcies of your life and your decision to fost/adopt is amazing. I'm so excited for you. Anyway-- if you ever feel like venting or talking, I'm around. In the meantime- welcome back, I missed you! : )

  8. Chris, don't be so hard on yourself. You need to resurface at your own pace. And don't be hard on yourself if you have a "set-back". There are going to be good days and bad days.

    Never apologize for not being supportive because you haven't been posting on other blogs. We know that you are supportive whether you are "verbal" or not. You need to take care of yourself. We will all be here for you, and we know that you are here for us too.

    Take good care.

  9. I'm glad that I've stopped into your blog today. I wish things were better for you, but you are perfectly right and sane to be feeling out of sorts and a bit off. It will take time. These cycles take a lot out of our bodies, minds and spirits. Sometime in teh midst of things we are on cruise control. Then when they end we realize that we've been running on empty for quite a while.

    I'm glad that you were able to recognize that you needed some assitance and that you got yourself back to the acu and whatnot. That's very proactive and something to be proud of.

  10. I'm really glad to see you're back. You're not usually off that long so I was worried my friend:-(

    Re the IVF though and trying again, do what works for you. I'd never slam this community as they've been so amazing to me, but how do I say... uh... the poll's a little biased? Biased in that we're all in the throes of this and want everyone so badly to succeed, so we're all rah-rah keep going, when maybe what you need now is rah-rah do what works for you and we'll rah rah regardless:-)

  11. I nominated you for an award...come take a peek!

  12. Being under that rock is a hard, hard place to crawl out of--just attempting to get back to "normal" life is tough--I am here for you--Ive been under that very same rock...
    Hoping you take the time you need to make decisions for the next step-and glad you are getting support from some new friends AND retail therapy ;)

  13. We have felt what you have felt, and when you have nothing left to give, then it's time to draw on the strength of those around you. Don't worry about anyone else, just try to get yourself feeling better. Then you can return the favour. I don't know how I would have managed without all these wonderful people, and there were days when I just read the blogs and felt empty and useless. I too had no sensible or meaningful piece of advice to give.
    The advice that many people gave me was to just feel what I was feeling and give it some time. I would like you to do the same.
    Glad you're starting the healing process.

  14. Anonymous6:58 AM

    So glad to hear you are doing better. It just takes some time. I think when it is time to make a decision, it will come to you and you and Brian will know exactly which path to take. If you don't know now, don't rush it!! We think of you all the time and wish you only the best!
    Lots of Hugs your way,

  15. I am glad that you are getting back to "you". It's hard isn't, we don't realise how much this takes away from us but there is a light at the end of this very long tunnel.

    Take your time deciding what you want to do, it's all up to you, we can all give opinions but we are different. You will know what and when it's right.

    Thinking of you and sending big hugs xxx

  16. I'm glad you are feeling more like yourself again. It's hard to muster up a smile at times, when inside you are crying out, but as you start to enjoy life get's easier. Yay for you on the foster/adopt. You and DH will make wonderful parents to a child who may of lost all "chi" too. Good Luck! Hugz to you, my sweet friend!