Another Loss, of Sorts

Apparently infertility has struck yet again. Not recently, after all, it reared it's ugly head about a month ago. Its just been simmering in my soul since then. Of course, by the time I get done resurrecting the issue here it could turn out to be just plain old insensitivity and not infertility after all. Or maybe infertility induced insensitivity?

Here's what happened. . . Remember about a month ago when our agency presented our profile to a birthmom? Well, it was much sooner than we expected since our homestudy hadn't even been signed off by a judge yet. The situation didn't feel "right" for us due to a number of issues, but we decided to go ahead with our profile just to get some feedback and see what happened. Well, namely we were looking for feedback about our PROFILE, not our decisions. And we were looking for feedback from our agency and a real live birthmom. Instead, we got feedback from family.

A certain family member, who shall remain nameless, shared thoughts and concerns with us. Namely, after hearing details of the situation, concern was expressed that we are "desperate" and should be very careful about making decisions too quickly. And that, specifically, we can afford to be "choosy". Quite bluntly, we could afford to hold out and wait for a white baby. I'm not going to go into everything that was said, but these were the two specific comments that dug the deepest. When I heard this I was completely dumbstruck, and very hurt, on a number of levels. And the hurt lingers. We were totally unprepared for this type of "concern".

My immediate response to the "desperate" comment was anger. Anger that we would be judged like this after all we had been through. Anger at being labeled by someone who had never had to deal with infertility or miscarriage. From someone who doesn't know the depths of the despair that comes from these losses. And who doesn't know the peace that has come into our lives and our marriage since we have stopped fertility treatments and begun the adoption process. Anger because no effort was ever made to find out how we really feel.

While in the midst of treatments I will admit to feeling desperate. Desperate to have a child that would be loved and accepted by our families and friends. Truthfully I would have been happy to stop treatments lots sooner and start adoption proceedings much sooner. However, I was concerned that family members would be disappointed in us for not doing absolutely everything possible to have a biological child. And so we did. We desperately pursued every treatment possible (and took on lots of debt) in the effort to produce a child that our families would be able to feel connected to, and would be proud to claim. And after achieving nothing but failure we were able to pick ourselves up, dust off, and embrace our new reality. I can easily speak for both Brian and I that we are happier than we have been in years and we feel such peace now. We know we will be parents. There is no more guessing about the "how". And we can be patient waiting for the "when". For now. But I feel like crap for making such an effort to try to keep everyone happy, and now we are having our decisions questioned.

And now for the "choosy" comment. That just plain pisses me off! First of all, because there are much more important issues to us than ethnicity. Like, I don't know, how we relate with the birthfamily, health, disabilities, and history of mental illnesses, just to name a few. 'Nuff said.

And now for the aftermath. I'm hurt. I feel like our child will not be unconditionally accepted and loved by all of our family. I feel like I will wonder about true feelings, motives, and sincerity. And that hurts, and feels like a whole new loss on top of the other losses we've suffered. And it just sucks. I've been struggling with this and I'm just not sure what to do with all of these feelings.