Thursday, September 18, 2008

Evolution

I'm going to tell you my story of evolution by way of Adoption Stories on whatever cable channel it is that shows them. (Sorry, I can't keep it straight, I just call it the baby channel.)

Before I knew that we were cursed with infertility I would watch Adoption Stories (hereafter known as AS) whenever I happened upon them while flipping channels. The stories were always so sweet and heartwarming. At the end of each show I felt so happy for the families. I'd move along to something else and not give it another thought.

After the official struggle with infertility began I would still watch AS and sometimes even episodes that I had already seen. This time the shows left me with a huge amount of fear. Fear that we might have to go this very same road. Fear that it wasn't something we could do. Fear that if we pursued adoption we would be the family waiting 18 years for a baby. I was no longer happy at the end of each episode.

As our struggle continued and I was on a quest to learn everything about all of our options I would make B tivo each episode of AS so that I wouldn't miss it. This time I watched with an eye towards learning all I could about the various kinds of adoption. And yes, some of the episodes I had seen before. I would later talk to B about what I had learned, nearly boring him to tears with stories. At the end of these episodes I would feel detached and matter-of-fact and all business. After all, I was on a quest for knowledge.

Once I stopped treatment and we began the adoption process I again insisted that B tivo the shows for me. Once every week or two I would go through and delete everything that wasn't about domestic infant adoption. As I watched the shows (and yes, many I had seen several times by now) I now had a different angle. I hung onto every word, every detail. I wanted to know all about open and semi-open adoption. I cried for their losses. I cried for their joy at the end. At the end of each episode I felt like I had just witnessed a fairy tale. I was hoping for our fairy tale, but wasn't sure it would come.

Around May I relieved B of his tivo duties. By then I had seen every episode about domestic adoption several times. I could narrate the episodes myself. I just couldn't watch anymore. My viewing of AS came to an end. Until a few days ago, when I happened to catch an episode while channel surfing and rocking Andy.

This time as I watched I noted comparisons with our own adoption story. And it made me teary, but in a good kinda way. At the end of the show my joy for the families had returned. And my faith in fairy tales was restored. Now I know that fairy tales can come true. WE are a fairy tale come true.

And that's the story of my evolution through Adoption Stories.

Do you have your own story of evolution? Will you share?

6 comments:

  1. I agree with every word you said about AS. You had the same evolution I did watching those episodes...and now, home 3 weeks with our little guy, I totally save and re-watch the open domestic stories. Ha! Amazing how perspectives change, huh?

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  2. I used to watch AS ALL THE TIME! I would cry, I would get hopeful and think, "can we do that?" I have such a heart for adoption and can't explain it. But we aren't to the point where we can pursue it yet. When I found your blog, I was so encouraged that it could REALLY work! I still have hope that someday, I will walk thru my front door with my own little miracle. Thank you for sharing your story! You truly are an encouragement to me.

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  3. Anonymous4:02 PM

    Interesting journey. I found when I had such awful morning sickness and couldn't eat/drink anything but ensure (totally gross now) I watched all of the cooking shows. And I find myself watching all of the home organizing shows and the improvement ones when we were trying to sell the house. They really are very helpful and inspiring to watch.

    Laurie

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  4. thats a very sweet story. I am not sure if mine is evolution or not but I am so thankful to have a second chance at motherhood with a HUSBAND IN THE HOME. We are truely having the time of our lives.

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  5. We slowly evolved from completely closed international adoption to open domestic adoption. It was such a change of heart for us and such a surprise to all our family. I'll never forget summer 2007.

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  6. Just came across this post while browsing through your blog and I can relate a great deal! I actually never watched AS until after Evie was home and I found myself watching a lot more Tivo as I fed and rocked her. The international episodes are OK, but I love watching the domestic infant episodes and weeping happily for the family! :)

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