Saturday, April 19, 2008

Further Thoughts and Clarifications

Looking on the bright side of things, the past several days have been ones of intense evaluation and discussion, sprinkled with a touch of clearing the air. On the dark side, there has been much upset, and hurt, tears, and sleepless nights. In addition to reaction here on my blog there have been phone calls and private emails, most of which were positive and supportive. There are many things I need to say here in an effort to clarify, and I apologize now if I jump around a little bit, or even a lot.

My original post was meant to share what has been weighing on my heart, not to point fingers and blame specific people. I was expressing the effect of the words on me, and my initial gut reaction, which still lingered. My feelings are valid, my concerns and worries are perfectly normal for people going down this path of infertility, miscarriage, loss and adoption. Therefore, while it may not make sense or seem logical to folks who haven't been in our shoes, it doesn't mean that we are wrong.

I was purposely very vague about who, specifically, said these statements to us, and even to which of us it was said. Therefore, I wasn't able to relay things exactly as it happened. I will continue to be vague here so as not to call out any individual family identities.

One of my main points, which I apparently didn't convey very well, is that while these types of remarks may be expressed by strangers, and we expect it from strangers, we were initially quite surprised and shocked to hear this from family. I did not see it as a family member trying to show love and support by forcing us to hear what we may not want to. I am well aware of the fact that strangers will say cruel, insensitive, and ignorant things. Some will be things already mentioned, some will be different. I won’t like it, I won’t agree with it, but will be able to brush it off by remembering that these strangers are likely vastly uninformed and unaware about our situation.

I should also mention that back when this all originally happened, a month ago, we did ask for clarification as to what we can expect as far as support should we ultimately make an unpopular decision. Unequivocally we can expect love and support for our child. I understood this then, and I understand it now. What I tried to express is that it was shocking to hear this from family, when I fully expected it from strangers. I am still in a tender, sensitive place for all things associated with our journey through infertility, miscarriage and loss. I worry about things that may not ever come to be. This is where I am. I make no apologies for it.

That said, I do really appreciate all of the support I have received here. The summation of what I have taken away from all of your comments is that one day this will all be water under the bridge. It will all work out. Eventually our child will be an integral part of our entire family.


  1. I am sure that these past few days were difficult, but I am glad the lines of communication are open. Based on what you have shared about your family in the past I am confident that they will love your child, unconditionally.

    I hope that you are able to put this behind you and that you are able to look forward to meeting your future child again.

  2. Good luck on your impending
    adoption. Some "lucky" child will
    have a good home!
    Love, Grandma & Grandpa
    P.S. We can pick our friends.But we cant pick our family

  3. Anonymous2:17 PM

    nicely said


    PS on a different note.

    Congrats on the 8.5 pounds. That is fabulous!!!

  4. Your second paragraph is so very important. Your feelings ARE valid, don't ever forget that. And you aren't wrong. Keep reminding yourself and know you are loved.

  5. Wow! I've sat here for the last 1/2 hour writing and rewriting and finally asked God to direct my words. I then decided not to comment.

    But behold - God provides.

    This comes at the "perfect" time.

    And knowing you have researched over the last 2 years, I wonder if you have ever heard of this?

    I just received an e-mail from our Pastor Rick Warren and in the e-mail it mentioned the following:

    COMPASSIONATE - If you've ever considered adopting a child in need, don't miss our "If You Were Mine" workshop this Saturday. Ask your questions, share your concerns, and learn the biblical and practical possibilities of adopting in a relaxed, non-threatening environment.

    Ha! Can you believe it?!

    Here is the website to check out (for ALL who question)

  6. Chris,

    I just found another link I'd like to share with your readers. Maybe it will help those that have considered "adopting an orphan"?

  7. Sorry the family dynamics have gotten so complicated. It sounds like you've worked things out and perhaps it's best that this happened now rather than after a child enters your life. Hugs.

  8. Hi Chris.
    I don't remember exactly how I found your blog, through a web ring of blogs on adoption I think. Hope you don't mind me popping in and commenting. I read the last few blogs. I understand, and I'm sorry. We heard some very unwanted comments in our wait to adopt both of our children, and unfortunately, some from family members.
    I'm excited about the journey that God has you on to bring you and your child together!! You can't begin to imagine all the wonderful blessings that are in store!
    It will all be well worth the wait......and the past pains of all you've been through will definately lessen when you arrive on the other side, holding YOUR child!!
    Best wishes and God bless!

  9. Chris, I'm so sorry that you've had to go through this with your family. There will always be someone who doesn't agree with your path, but just hold on to the fact that you do have a peace about it. So no matter what anyone else says, you're doing the right thing!!! God is going to bless you with the perfect child for you and Brian, and I can't wait to rejoice with you when that day comes!!! Sending you lots of hugs!!!

  10. We've never met....and I don't know if I have ever left a comment, and I are in similar boats. My hubby and I are finally in the waiting pool and hoping to be selected for an adoptive placement. I wanted to recommend a book to you. Perhaps you have already read Adoption is a Family Affair by Patricia Irwin Johnston, but if you have not, it is a great book for FAMILIES of those adopting. We gave a copy to both sides of our family to announce that we were adopting in order to give them some information to sort through. It is short, easy to read, and contains lots of information.

  11. There are members of my family that I am positive will say hurtful, close minded things to me about adoption or my child once we are matched. I pray that God will give me the words to reply to them with kindness and love...and perhaps a grin. God is going to bless you tremendously with a child or maybe more. Best wishes and hugs!