I have realized that I really do have more to say about my last post. I sort of stopped part way through. Maybe I just didn't want to go there. It isn't just the lack of a plan that has me so unsettled now. It is the lack of guidance that has me so out of sorts. Lack of guidance from God.
There are so many clear moments when I truly felt pressed upon my heart to do something, moments where it really took a leap of faith to get me going. I definitely felt called to teach and it took a great leap of faith to continue my education and land my first real teaching job. It was a huge leap of faith to move to Arizona, however, it seemed the right thing to do and so many things just fell into place that it couldn't have just been a coincidence. Just as God called me to teaching, I firmly believed that God called me out of teaching during my first year teaching in Arizona. And I was OK with that since I felt that the reason was to lead me through the next season of my life, namely parenthood. So here I am a year later, and no closer. Instead, I am $12,000 poorer and 1,000 times more frustrated, confused and uncertain.
I long for the place I was in a few months ago. The place where I felt no fear, only faith. A baby was not the only thing to die with the miscarriage. I fear my faith has died as well.
I appreciate your insight on my blog. It is helpful to hear from others who have been there.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry that you have had to experience a loss as well. I understand the struggle with faith that follows. I do not have advice on how to heal that aspect. What I have found is that when it was immpossible to pray myself, I asked my friends to pray for me. I have also found comfort in this verse, "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express." Romans 8:26 NIV
Hi Chris,
ReplyDeleteI was exactly in the same place you were after my miscarriage. I have a very strong faith in G-d and after that horrible night, I lost it-- but it was temporary and I believe that if your faith is strong, it will come back. Faith is something that is deep and real and I think no matter how bad things get, G-d is with us, taking care of us... sometimes, it just doesnt seem like it. People have said to me that I had a miscarriage because G-d wants me to have a healthy child, and I believe it for myself, and for you.
Take care...
Hey Chris, I have been thinking about your post on lost faith. I lost my faith a few years ago after my cousin died in a car accident. I have to admit that my hold on faith was pretty tenuous to begin with, but I try to keep my heart and mind open just in case it wants to return someday. I hope that if you need your faith it will return to you. Take care!
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