I have realized that I really do have more to say about my last post. I sort of stopped part way through. Maybe I just didn't want to go there. It isn't just the lack of a plan that has me so unsettled now. It is the lack of guidance that has me so out of sorts. Lack of guidance from God.
There are so many clear moments when I truly felt pressed upon my heart to do something, moments where it really took a leap of faith to get me going. I definitely felt called to teach and it took a great leap of faith to continue my education and land my first real teaching job. It was a huge leap of faith to move to Arizona, however, it seemed the right thing to do and so many things just fell into place that it couldn't have just been a coincidence. Just as God called me to teaching, I firmly believed that God called me out of teaching during my first year teaching in Arizona. And I was OK with that since I felt that the reason was to lead me through the next season of my life, namely parenthood. So here I am a year later, and no closer. Instead, I am $12,000 poorer and 1,000 times more frustrated, confused and uncertain.
I long for the place I was in a few months ago. The place where I felt no fear, only faith. A baby was not the only thing to die with the miscarriage. I fear my faith has died as well.