From as far back as I can remember I have always had a plan of some type. Everything I ever did was based on something else that would follow down the line. Work hard in elementary school? Sure, it "counts" in high school. Honors classes and AP tests in high school? Sure, it "counts" in college. The entire college experience? Sure, it helps you get a good job. Student teaching vs. emergency credential? Sure, student teaching because it helps to ensure success. Teaching job? Easiest thing ever because it is my passion. Buying a townhouse? Sure, you can move up to something bigger later. Moving to Arizona? Sure, because once we have kids I can stay home and we won't have to send them to daycare.
This was all fine and dandy up to a point. Teaching in California was my passion. Teaching in Arizona killed my passion. Infertility and miscarriage is stalling the whole kid thing.
I seem to be out of plans. So now what? I don't know what to do.
It is unnerving to be out of ideas. I don't like it.
I guess I could always paint the bathroom.
Hi Chris,
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel. I got married at 37 which is clearly late in the game but I was ready to settle down and start a family, as was my husband. We moved from a one bedroom apt to a 3 bedroom house so we'd have room for all those children. fast foward to 3.5 years later - If we had known, we could have saved the rent money for this house to pay for IVF...
In time, in time - that's what we say.
Happy birthday tomorrow!
Hi Chris--
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to wish you a happy birthday tomorrow-- It's a another year of life, a clean slate, new beginnings. Like you told me, relax right now, heal yourself and soon everything will fall into place. It has to!
Happy Birthday! Hopefully this doesn't upset you but if your birthday's anything like mine, it'll unfortunately remind you where you thought you'd be (re babies) by this birthday, and where yet again you're not. Try to find something good in the day, or something to treat yourself with a break from that - you really deserve it after all you've been through, particularly lately.
ReplyDeleteI came across your blog the other day through the babyloss blog. I have to tell you, your story in many respects is so similar to mine. We are about the same age (I will be 39 in July), I have dealt with infertility, and when I got pregnant I was thrilled. I lost our little girl at 18 weeks in March(she was perfectly healthy) for no apparent reason.
ReplyDeleteThis particular entry about planning and playing the game of life right really hit home. Like you, all of my plans have worked out--and they have been thought out and implemented as they say.
Not so with pregnancy. Since you seem to be a planner (like me) and to have things in control (again, like me) this lack of control is torture.
At the same time, after this blow for me in March, I have finally realized that I have to let the control go--I am sure you can relate.
Amanda
I know what you mean. It makes me a little wistful to look back and remember how I used to know exactly what my future would look like.
ReplyDeleteWe certianly are instilled with the notion as children that we can plan our futures. What are you going to be when you grow up? How many kids are you going to have? What does your ideal spouse look like?
ReplyDeleteI guess there is a certain amount of that planning that is beneficial. But it is so devestating when our plans go awry, I often wonder if there wasn't some way someone could have prepared us for us. Not in a "the worst is yet to come" way, but in a "sometimes things don't work out" kind of way.
But, I don't think that would have made me feel any better about losing my son (s/b @ 38 wks). So maybe it doesn't matter.
Regardless, Happy Birthday.
Oh, the plans!! Having my fair share of infertility (primary, then recurrant pgy loss, then IC & my daughter's death) I know exactly where you are coming from!! Here's an exactly forum with a wealth of knowledgeable women....
ReplyDeletehttp://www.rubber-ducky.org/carolynsboards/list.php?15
Best Wishes!!
I agree with all the comments about plans. I think every time we make plans God giggles and says Ha, Ha, Ha! I had so many plans for this baby but now those plans seem so far away. After 16 months of trying it is getting tiring!
ReplyDeleteThanks for your words of hope on my blog though. It is nice to have someone who actually understands what we are going through.