Monday, June 04, 2007

My Love/Hate Relationship With Hope

Have you ever felt like you love something and hate it at the same time? For example, I love a clean bathroom, but I hate to clean the bathroom. OK, maybe that isn't the best example, but I'm sure you get the idea.

I'm finding that I have very conflicting views about how I feel about Hope. I want to have Hope. I do have Hope. I don't always have very strong Hope, but I do try to have at least a little smidgen lurking somewhere deep in my heart. I am actually pretty good about having Hope for the future. I am hopeful that things will turn out the way we want in regards to how we build our family. It seems that I like Hope best when it is for a far away Hope. Something that will happen down the road. Having Hope for the future keeps me going. Having Hope for the future keeps me sane.

However, I have trouble with Hope in the short term. Hope in the short term scares me and can only hurt me. Hope in the short term is taunting and teasing and a trickster. Here I am, not quite 4 weeks past my D&C. I feel things happening in my body. Things that could indicate either a visit from Aunt Flo or the Baby Fairy. I KNOW it is more than likely Aunt Flo knocking at the door. My heart hopes for more. Hope weasles it's way into my heart. My brain tries to tell Hope to take a hike from my heart. Hope is stubborn. Hope refuses to leave. I don't want Hope right now. I want Hope for later. Actually, I do want Hope for now, but I don't want Hope to hurt me in a few days. I don't want to be fooled again, and risk having my long term Hope weaken.

6 comments:

  1. I totally understand. Hope can make life suck sometimes. HUGS! I am holding your hope for you if that makes you feel any better.

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  2. I feel what you are saying. I have to remind myself that hope is a good and wonderful thing when I am feeling down- because without it, what do we really have? It keeps us going. I have lots of hope for you-- and I hope and pray everything you want in life comes true for you. In the meantime-- stay strong!p.s. after my miscarriage I didnt feel any symptoms- flo just came quietly 4 weeks later and now my second cycle has been the same. But every body is different. good luck either way, and thanks for all the kind comments you leave me. They always put a smile on my face.

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  3. This is really nice - well put. I like your attitude towards hope, kinda wanting it but kinda afraid of it. Maybe I can take a cue from you and not hate it so much for hurting me every month.

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  4. I completely understand. After today I think that Hope and I are no longer friends. It is so tiring of getting Hope and then having it dashed away. It is very tiring.

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  5. I understand the whole issue with hope. As for when Aunt Flo will arrive, I have heard it takes different amounts of time for everyone. At 6 weeks after my miscarriage (I didn't have a D&C) I was concerned my period had not arrived. My doctor told me she wouldn't worry until 8 weeks after my miscarriage. Of course I found I was pregnant 7 weeks after my miscarriage and was extremely surprised.

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  6. I did not think to ask my RE if they have a "package" deal, like you suggested. I will have to ask when I go back next week but I still think it will be out of our price range. Also my DH is very firm in that he does not want to even try certain procedures so that limits me as well.

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