Have you ever felt like you love something and hate it at the same time? For example, I love a clean bathroom, but I hate to clean the bathroom. OK, maybe that isn't the best example, but I'm sure you get the idea.
I'm finding that I have very conflicting views about how I feel about Hope. I want to have Hope. I do have Hope. I don't always have very strong Hope, but I do try to have at least a little smidgen lurking somewhere deep in my heart. I am actually pretty good about having Hope for the future. I am hopeful that things will turn out the way we want in regards to how we build our family. It seems that I like Hope best when it is for a far away Hope. Something that will happen down the road. Having Hope for the future keeps me going. Having Hope for the future keeps me sane.
However, I have trouble with Hope in the short term. Hope in the short term scares me and can only hurt me. Hope in the short term is taunting and teasing and a trickster. Here I am, not quite 4 weeks past my D&C. I feel things happening in my body. Things that could indicate either a visit from Aunt Flo or the Baby Fairy. I KNOW it is more than likely Aunt Flo knocking at the door. My heart hopes for more. Hope weasles it's way into my heart. My brain tries to tell Hope to take a hike from my heart. Hope is stubborn. Hope refuses to leave. I don't want Hope right now. I want Hope for later. Actually, I do want Hope for now, but I don't want Hope to hurt me in a few days. I don't want to be fooled again, and risk having my long term Hope weaken.