I knew that March 15th was coming along. I knew it would get here. I knew it would just be another day. I knew it could be just another day. But it wasn't, and isn't. Because it was a "should have" kind of day. Yesterday was an unfulfilled due date for me. Last summer's doomed pregnancy should have brought us new joy yesterday.
A year before I got pregnant I had a dream. In that dream I had a baby born on March 15th. Last year when I found out I was pregnant we found out that the due date was March 15th. I was amazed. I was hopeful. I thought that surely this was a sign. A sign that this time it would work out. I was wrong. Or the timing is just plain off. Maybe another March 15th, but just not this one.
So yesterday rolled around and I didn't speak of it. I'm sure that nobody else held even in inkling of what the day meant for me. I simply spent the day in the company of my husband and my baby and knew that all was well.
And today has rolled around, and I remember in a wistful way about March 15th. The could haves. The should haves. And it makes me all the more grateful for my actual haves.