Tuesday, February 17, 2009

It's Been Six Months and Six Cycles

. . . since my last miscarriage.

I rarely even give it any thought,
and it truly does seem like it happened so much longer ago.
So long ago, that it feels more like another lifetime.
In a way, it was.
It was during the first weeks of having Andrew home,
so time was such a blur.

But every once in a while,
coincidently about once a month,
I am reminded of that loss.
And I wonder.
I wonder if I will have to go through it yet again.
I wonder if I'll get pregnant again.
I wonder if I want to.

I know I'm deathly afraid
of being pregnant again.
Afraid of getting excited.
Afraid of losing again.
Afraid of complications.
Afraid of success.
Afraid of letting everyone down.
Just afraid.

And so I practice avoidance,
So there's no chance of being afraid,
of failing yet again.

But still I wonder,
as I dream and hope for a sibling for Andrew.
I wonder if I'll have another chance,
or if my fear has chased it away.


  1. Oh boy do I understand - Very well spoken

  2. Praying for you, dear friend. I understand your fear...these days just the thought of trying scares me because it means getting my hopes up again. Hard to do.

  3. I know how you feel as I am living it right now. I so want Maya to have a sibling and the fears are just overwhelming, it almost makes me angry. But the way I look at is, what other choice do I have but to keeping trying? I am better with getting my hopes up, which is a good thing, but the fears definitely take over a lot. I hope you feel good with whatever you decide to do in the end. Hugs.

  4. May one day all your dreams come true