Monday Morning Musing

OK, hmmm, where did I leave off. That's right, some random guy in a cowboy hat was walking a steer down the street . . .

And then on Friday I prepped for our last homestudy home visit with the social workers from the adoption agency. I went through and organized our papers again. Yes, I did this several times, each time double checking that I hadn't forgotten something. I reread and revised and reprinted our autobiographies again. I straightened up the house. Our visit went really well. Our social worker just looked through our papers to make sure everything was complete, signed and notarized. Then Brian and I were each interviewed separately. We were brought together again to review the "what happens now" part of the process. And finally, we were given a huge, empty scrapbook and a booklet of instructions of what to include in our profile.

Let me tell you, I'm just slightly overwhelmed by this project. I've done scrapbooking. I've got a room full of stuff. We have plenty of pictures to choose from. And I have no idea where to begin. Or how to write a "Dear Birthmom" letter. Any ideas?

In other weekend events, we did a little babysitting on Saturday afternoon and evening. Our friends wanted to go to a college basketball game sans the little bundle of girliness so we volunteered to watch her. She is 8 months old and we had a great time with her. So did Molly. And she had a great time with Molly.

Yesterday we went to the casino with my parents. What better way to spend a rainy day in the Valley of the Sun? My dad used to really enjoy playing blackjack, but he hasn't done it since his accident. We talked him into it yesterday. I sat with him and placed his bets for him while he did the playing. We started at an empty table with just the dealer, and it was a table of regular height. The dealer told my dad that there was a low blackjack table if he was interested. However, my dad is of the opinion that the players at the low table aren't very good players and that would mess things up for him. His opinion seems to have served him well. At the end of our time he had won about $200.

And so here I am . . . Monday morning. I didn't get called to work today, but I do have tutoring this afternoon. The kitchen has been cleaned, laundry is in process, and I have a few errands to run. All the while mulling over in my brain just how to get started with our profile . . .

Oh, and I'm getting a cold too. Boo.

Did I Really Just See That?

Sometimes I forget just how rural our city is. Even though we are only 25 miles of so west of downtown Phoenix we are considered to live on the furthest fringe of the valley. There is building and development going on like crazy in our city, and we do live in a pretty well developed area of it. Our city is something like 100 square miles with a population of 45,000. Most of the subdivisions on our side of town are very new and typically pretty modest sized lots. However, across the main road from our subdivision things get much more rural. In fact, if you stand outside my door early in the morning you can clearly hear roosters, and we can hear cows mooing as well. So imagine my surprise the other day as I drove home and saw this scene. I even had to drive by again so that I could take a quick picture with my cell phone. Actually, I just read over what I read and I guess I shouldn't have been surprised, but I was, because I sure don't see this every day. At the very least it made me laugh, because it's not everyday that you see someone out walking their steer down the street.

And in other equally exciting news, but specifically adoption news, here is the latest. Actually, it isn't exciting at all, and barely even qualifies as news. I went to my regular primary care doctor on Monday and had my physician's statement filled out and signed. Then on Tuesday a friend came to dinner and notarized all of our stuff for us. Also, last week we got a notice from the court that we have been assigned a case number and a juvenile court officer, so we are official now. With our paperwork complete I was able to call our social worker. She, and another one, will be coming over tomorrow night to collect our paperwork and conduct the final interviews. From there they will write up the homestudy and submit it to the court for approval. I'm hoping the approval comes by the end of February or beginning of March.

After our homestudy is approved then we can be presented to birthmoms. Mind you, up until this point we have only done the homestudy paperwork. Nothing we have done has anything to do with the profile that is shown around to birthmoms. I'd like to be able to start working on our profile while we are waiting for the homestudy to be approved. That way we will be ready to be presented as soon as our homestudy is approved. Actually, I think I'll email our social worker right now . . .

In other news, I have been working much more lately. I subbed two days last week and two days this week, and I already have a sub job lined up for tomorrow. I'm tutoring this afternoon and going to the hockey game tonight, so unfortunately this means that tomorrow after school I will have to race home to vacuum and make sure the house is presentable.

Hope everyone else is having a great week too!

5600 Typed Words and Not a Single Blog Post

You may (or may not) have been wondering what's been going on since Brian took up residence in the doghouse. Well, he really wasn't confined for very long. Once my rant was done he was pretty much in the clear. One thing that I do know about Brian is that he is never, ever, ever intentionally insensitive. I'm really pretty lucky that way. I realize that a lot of my upset was timing. I mean, it probably wouldn't have bothered me quite as much if it hadn't happened on cycle day 1. Know what I mean? Maybe I was just a little extra sensitive . . .

I've been trying to scrounge up more sub work. So far all I've managed is a day last week and a day this week. Hopefully tomorrow . . .

I did actually turn down a job for this past Tuesday. It was in a kinder class, and I'm just not a kinder person. It was also a really late call and I was terrified that there would be no plans and I know my limitations. So instead I confined myself to the office for the better part of the day and worked on my autobiography for our adoption homestudy. I'm happy to say that after 5600 words I have answered everything that they wanted to know in the list of guidelines. I just finished the final editing and got it printed out. Brian just needs to edit and print his as well. The very last thing I need to get done is my physician's statement, which will happen on Monday morning. After that I'll call the agency and schedule our next meeting.

Last weekend we went to see Juno. We both really liked it and was a little like "Little Miss Sunshine" meets "Napolean Dynamite". Even if you don't want to see the movie, or don't get to see it, be sure to get your hands on the soundtrack. We love it! It is very quirky and just plain fun. We both have it on our ipods and are really having fun with it.

Time for me to get on with things. I have some errands to run and then tutoring to do before running to the gym. So that means I have to have something in mind to fix for dinner like as soon as we walk in the door!

Just Who is the Infertile One?

Apparently, in our family, that designation goes to me alone.

Hmmm, it's interesting. I always considered that WE were infertile. Even after all of the testing was completed WE were labeled with unexplained infertility, as both of our test results came back within normal parameters. I even did IVF to prove that my eggs aren't rotten.

As part of our adoption homestudy we have to have some physician's statements filled out. One page lists all sorts of conditions that you need to indicate either a "yes" or a "no". One of those conditions is infertility. I answered yes on my paperwork. Yesterday Brian was at his physical with our primary care doctor. This doctor knows the reader's digest version of our struggles. He and Brian went over the checklist together and when they got to "infertility" Brian said no. The doctor questioned this and Brian told him that it was me, not him, that is infertile, as all of his numbers are good. So the "no" answer remained and they went on.

How do I know about this? Brian told me about it. (I bet he wishes now that he kept this tidbit to himself.) I take issue with this determination. I mean, my numbers are good too. Yet I get the label. And all of the fun that goes along with it. Granted, I am the one who actually received treatment for said condition, but I never thought that I bore the label by myself. I've spent the past almost two years thinking that WE had an infertility issue. Not that I did.

This stinks.

Jumping Through Hoops *Updated*

Brian and I had a really productive weekend on the adoption front. Truth be told, absolutely nothing else got done if it wasn't directly related to adoption paperwork. Well, other than going to the gym and a hockey game.

We filled out ALL of the paperwork. Umpteen pages of it. We need to have a couple of things notarized, but basically have no more "blanks" to fill in. We do, however, each need to write our autobiography. I'm dreading starting it because it seems so hard. I try to remind myself that since I can ramble on and on here on this blog I should be able to complete the silly thing. But that's just it. You guys don't mind my rambling. A judge might. Ahhh. Deep breath.

Today we both got our fingerprints done as well and I managed to not get my card smeared in spite of the rain. Yippee for me! I have a neat little packet all set to send in to the agency, including our fingerprint cards, application for certification to adopt, and adoptive families central registry records clearance. Hopefully all of these things will be approved within the next month.

So that just leaves our physician statements. The bane of my existence. Brian goes for his physical later this week and I go in 2 weeks. Oh, we also need to buy a fire extinguisher and a rope ladder to pass the home inspection. After that we can schedule another visit from the agency and they will come to meet with us and go over all of the loose ends. Then we wait. And wait. And wait some more. Or so I'm told. At least we are used to waiting.

I wanted to share some more thoughts about my RE. The encounter the other day was just so weird. We have both always really liked him and been very confident while being in his care. Maybe this just took him by surprise. We have never spoken with him about adoption. In fact, the last time we saw him we were talking about doing another IVF cycle at the beginning of the year. I think he was just trying to make a point that if I really want to try to get pregnant again it is going to have to be soon, or not at all. Oh well. It's water under the bridge now.

**Actually, the autobiographies we are writing are NOT for the profile that birthmothers will ever see. It is for the judge to read as part of the homestudy so that he can determine who we are before approving our homestudy. The profile/book for birthmothers to look at isn't even in the works yet. I'm not sure when they will give us the materials to begin that venture, whether it is when we turn in our paperwork or when the homestudy is approved. We are actually looking forward to that process.

When Will Something Finally Be Easy?

I know that not everything in life can be easy. Believe me, we have been shown that over and over so I think it's a lesson I've pretty much mastered. But can't some things be easy? Just every once in a while? Case in point: remember I mentioned that I dropped off my physician's statement at my RE's office? I thought it should be pretty straightforward to have him fill out and sign the paperwork. After all, he spent a year and a half and collected $30,000 from me trying to get me pregnant. I take that to mean that he believes I am healthy enough and emotionally stable enough to parent a child. Apparently I was wrong.

This morning (after having the paperwork for well over a week) his office manager called to tell me that he isn't comfortable signing the paperwork and he won't be able to do it. The reason given is that he isn't qualified to give me a psych eval. And that needs to be part of the physician's statement. I called the adoption agency. They said that no phych eval is necessary unless there is a history of mental illness. OK, that tells me that I don't need one because nobody has ever suggested that I have any mental illness. I called the doctor's office back and was told to come on down to talk to him. So I did.

And what an interesting conversation that was. First, he began by asking me if I was back to work. I told him I was. He asked it was his fault. And I said, "Why yes it is! In fact, the state of Arizona should be thanking your for returning a teacher to the workforce". Then he encouraged me to do another round of IVF. He still believes that my situation deserves another chance. He doesn't think my fear of another miscarriage should keep me from doing it. Finally we moved on to the discussion of adoption. Are you ready for this? He began by telling me about two different patients of his who adopted and then several years later came to him for further treatment and conceived naturally before any treatment could be done. My chin dropped to the floor.

For the record, if any of you, either in real life or in blogland, ever, ever, ever tell me that now that we are adopting I will fall pregnant please be prepared for me to beat you upside the head with your own shoe. Repeatedly. Possibly with your foot still in it. And likewise, if I do happen to get pregnant one day, don't tell me that it is because we finally started the adoption process and I relaxed. Because then I will beat you upside the head with my own size 10 shoe. Repeatedly.

But let me get back on target. When the conversation finally came around to my physician's statement form that I still needed filled out he said that he couldn't do it. Not because he didn't want to, but that because SART guidelines are very clear on the matter. Any time donor egg or donor sperm is being used there needs to be a psych eval. Apparently adoption is considered donor egg and donor sperm. And the rambling explanation continued. Until I said that I understood. Which all I understand is that I need to go to my primary care doctor. I then collected my paperwork and made my getaway, but not before my doctor wanted a hug. And with instructions to do IVF before summer, if I'm so inclined to do it again. Apparently my eggs will expire this summer. Nice to know.

Once home I called my primary care doctor and made an appointment for the 21st. And I called the adoption agency again to verify that I do not, in fact, need a pysch eval. Did I mention that my RE called them before I got to his office today? Yeah, he did, and explained why he couldn't fill out their paperwork. The owner of the agency told me to just see my primary care and that this really isn't a big deal.

Will anything ever be easy?

A New Look for a New Year

I am definitely ready to put 2007 behind me as I look towards the blessings to come of 2008. And what better way to do that than with a new blog layout? OK, so a Maui vacation or a fabulous purse may actually be a better way, but on my budget I'm going with the new blog layout. Maybe one day this year I might even learn how to may my own unique one of a kind blog layout. Just maybe.

So, what am I saying good-bye to? Lots, actually, since 2007 was pretty much full of crap. Like a 3rd failed IUI. Making the decision to move onto IVF. A natural pregnancy (actually, that part was pretty cool, while it lasted). Miscarriage and subsequent D&C. Making the decision again to move onto IVF. Becoming THAT person. You know, the one who even fails IVF. Taking on more debt that I ever could have imagined. And lastly, facing the reality of needing to go back to full time teaching.

Before I start to sound too negative there really were some good parts of 2007. I was able to work as little as I needed to in order to do what I needed to go. I did manage to GET pregnant, proving that my rusty old parts do work a little bit. We at least had the resources to try IVF. My dad continued to get stronger and learn to do a few things. We did take a couple of trips to Las Vegas, Sedona and California. We did have lots of visits from family and friends.

But what am I looking forward to in 2008? First of all, NO MORE fertility drugs, exams, tests or procedures. I can't tell you what a huge relief this is. For the first time in 2 years I'm not under the influence of fertility drugs or a slave to peeing on little sticks. And you know what? I feel good. I physically feel good. I actually feel a remarkable sense of peace. Like this is the absolute right thing to do. And while I didn't lose any weight while undergoing fertility treatments I didn't gain any either, like most people do. In fact, now I can focus on losing weight. Mostly though I'm looking forward to working our way through the adoption process. This is something that, given time, will result in a real live baby for us. And that's what we want more than anything in the world. Despite my grumblings I am actually looking forward to teaching full time again. This won't happen until August, but I may get my feet wet come spring time. And, eternal optimist that I am, I'm looking forward to my dad regaining more strength and mobility and function, and to my mom regaining her sanity and getting more help.

In the coming days I will post about some of the specifics of what I would like to do this next year. Not resolutions, merely things to do.

And in the meantime I most sincerely wish you a prosperous New Year in which all of your dreams come true.
And I'm wishing

There's No Going Back

I know, and you know, that I already decided not to do another round of IVF. I chose not to, knowing that come January our insurance would be offering some coverage. $5,000 towards procedures and covered prescriptions. There was a catch though. Our particular RE wasn't on the approved list. Well, our RE was trying to get on the list. Knowing all of this, I still decided not to do IVF again. Good thing. The RE's office called yesterday to tell me that the insurance company won't let them on the list. Apparently the insurance company is testing out infertility coverage on a very limited basis and they won't think about adding anyone else until about a year down the road. So, as it turns out, IVF wouldn't have even been an option for us. And that's OK, because I feel better knowing that I made my decision based upon my feeling on the matter and not as a financial decision.

However, there is one last thing I want my RE to do for me. And it doesn't involve needles, blood, vaginal ultrasounds or financial hemorraging. Yesterday I dropped off the physician's statement packet from the adoption agency. I just need Dr. P to fill out the form and type a letter for me indicating that I am healthy enough and mentally stable enough to parent a child. I figure he spent a year and a half and took a boatload of money trying to get me pregnant so he must think I am capable.

While we are here in California we will be giving out the adoption reference forms to some of our family and friends. So slowly, very slowly, we are getting going on our paperwork. Our local police department only does fingerprints on Mondays until 3pm, so we have to wait until Jan. 7th to get that done. I'm sure if we got arrested they could find a way to take our fingerprints sooner than that, but I'm just not sure that I want to go through all of that trouble.

15 Days!

Holy Cow! I can't believe it has been 15 days since my last post. I'm sure by now, if anyone is even left reading, that you thought I had either abandoned blog land, been hospitalized or been incarcerated. But alas, life has simply been really busy, but in a good way. I'll try hit on some of the big points without typing a post of epic proportions.

First of all, I have actually made my return to subbing. After months of not accepting a job I took several in the last couple of weeks. They were all at my old school so it was really good to see some familiar faces again. Also, I am considering accepting a long term sub position at my old school from mid-April through the end of the year. It would be for 3rd grade and that would be completely awesome! I'm also considering returning to full time teaching next fall. So, my mind has been pretty busy with all of these considerations.

General life got in the way too. Shopping, cleaning, helping my parents, and of course, picking up a little bug and being sick for a weekend. Oh, I also baked 5 different kinds of cookies and bars, including my first attempt at making gingerbread cookies. Can you believe I have been on the planet this long and never made gingerbread? Well, I guess I can now cross that off my list of things to do.

We also had another visit for our home study. Basically we just went over all of the paperwork we have to do and documents that need to be assembled, as well as the home inspection. There is so much more to say that I will have to save it for another post, but don't worry, it's all good.

And Christmas. Boy, did we do Christmas! Eric, Kari, Ashley and Ryan came to visit last Friday and stayed until Sunday. We did a family dinner thing at my parent's house that night. On Saturday my mom, Kari, Ashley and I went for manicures and pedicures. Well, Ashley just had her nails painted. Green with green sparkles. It was really attractive. The rest of us went a little more mainstream. After getting back to my parent's house I helped a little there before heading home to where Brian, Eric, Kari and the kids were. My cousin Catherine and her husband Daniel were visiting Arizona from Texas and they stopped in for a visit. It was great to see them since it has been about a year. That evening we had our big family Christmas celebration complete with a ham dinner on the good china in the dining room. Later we had our gift exchange. The next day after everyone left we cleaned up the house and did the shopping for the next phase of Christmas.

On Christmas Eve we went to church with my parents and then returned to our house for a nice dinner of rib eyes. Afterwards we exchanged gifts and then called it a night quite late. One of our gifts was a totally cool Cuisinart food processor, which we are really excited to have. Oh, and by the way, my Braces Bunch secret santa is completely wonderful! The gift I received had quite a place of prominence on our Christmas Eve dinner table.

Brian and I slept in on Christmas Day before opening presents and making a nice brunch. He liked all of the gifts I got him, including the ipod docking station and particularly the talking "Michael Scott" bobblehead. He got me a Sampsonite Spinner suitcase that I have really wanted. He also got me a gift certificate for some golf lessons along with some pink and purple golf balls. Funny thing is that he bought me a set of golf clubs a couple of years ago and I have no idea how to play! We also got lots of books and dvds and other fun things. In the afternoon we went to visit Brian's grandparents for a little while since his grandma was feeling well enough to join us for our Christmas Eve festivities. Later we drove to my cousin Christy's house in Phoenix for their Christmas Day Chili Fest Open House. My other cousin, Catherine, makes a mean Texan chili as well as a vegetarian variation, and we just had to partake. In fact, below you can see a picture of the infamous chili, and Catherine, who has been jonesing for an appearance on my blog. Isn't she adorable?

And today, the day after Christmas, was a great day. I got to sleep in, then met some friends for lunch and went shopping after. This means that tomorrow I need to pack for our trip to California. Did I mention that we are heading out of town again? We are staying with Brian's parents and will be doing the Christmas thing with all of them. Brian's sister and her family are moving to Alaska next week so it will be our last chance to see them for a while. Anyway, we are going to stay until New Year's Day. However, I will do my best to post before we go (remember, I have adoption stuff to chat about) and I will also be bringing my laptop with me.
And here is our sweet Molly Pie who also found some fun stuff from Santa in her stocking too.

At Long Last!

I'm just now getting around to posting the "after" picture from the disaster that had been our living room. And no, I wasn't standing on a ladder or hovering over the room. This picture was taken from about halfway up our stairs. Already Molly has picked off and destroyed an ornament from the tree. Therefore, we are back to living with the baby gate between the family room and living room.

The other "at long last" thing I wanted to write about was the seeming about faced decision to abandon further IVF treatment. When the doctor first told us that my eggs aren't necessarily rotten and that another IVF attempt might be a good idea we were really encouraged. I mean, it sounds really good. It feels good to know that we don't have to totally give up on the idea of having a baby as close to the regular was as an infertile can get. And we were even encouraged by the news of our increased insurance benefits kicking in at the beginning of the year. It really did seem like a second chance. And then I started thinking about the actual process of doing IVF again. And it all seemed really do-able. After all, it really wasn't as bad as I thought it was. Then, I remembered the aftermath of it not working. That was bad. Really bad. And I surely don't want to go to that place again. On the other hand, I realize that in this particular life circumstance of infertility it is necessary to take risks. It happens everyday and simply needs to be done. But when I started thinking about the risks that would need to be taken my mind started to shift. I mean, I would be risking our finances, my health and emotions, and our relationships. All for a 25% chance of success. And still, because of my age, I would be looking at a 50% chance of miscarriage. And that was enough to tip the scales. I simply don't feel like I can face another miscarriage.

When I started to put all of these ideas together I also had to look at the big picture. I mean, why do we want a baby? Because we want to be parents. That's it. I don't want a baby because I want to be pregnant. It's the other way around. I want to be pregnant only because I want a baby. Not because I want to be pregnant. That being said, millions of people can attest to the fact that there are other ways to parenthood other than being pregnant. After 2 years of fertility drugs I am tired of feeling lousy. I want to feel good again. And if I can have a baby while not actually having to go through pregnancy or any more fertility drugs or procedures, then why not?

We started talking about adoption long ago. As soon as we realized that we might have an issue here. We had talked of wanting to have two kids. When it became apparent that it would be a major miracle to even have one we started talking about adoption. We went to an orientation meeting. We met with friends of mine who had adopted so that Brian could hear their experience first hand. And you can imagine how many episodes of "Adoption Stories" that I watched on TV. In fact, I made Brian tivo it for me for a long time. But we wanted to wait to see what would happen with my treatments. After all, we didn't want to adopt, then get pregnant with multiples following fertility treatments! Ha! Isn't that a laugh that we actually thought like that?

And somehow it just made sense for us to take control of our lives when it feels like we haven't had any for a really long time. So here we go. Wish us well.