Friday, May 11, 2007

This Is Where I Am

Actually, my title today might be a little deceiving because as I begin to type I realize that maybe I don't really know where I am right now. No, I haven't had too much Percocet. Physically I am upstairs in the office at Brian's computer. Emotionally I am all over the place. And Molly, in case you are wondering, is running all over the backyard barking her crazy head off.

Yesterday I just hung around the house. Napped, answered phone calls, wandered around. I really didn't accomplish much. However, I did walk down the street to get the mail. Brian teases me about my obsession with mail. I have to get it everyday. When we return from out of town it is the first thing I have to do. Yesterday was a really weird mail day. Here is what I got:

1) Insurance approval letter for "treatment of an incomplete abortion". Ouch.
2) "Thinking of you" card from a friend. Helpful, and much appreciated.
3) "Congratulations on your upcoming parenthood" card from friends who don't know the latest. Ouch. Double ouch.

It was also a day for phone calls. There were some good ones (with Kari and Glenna). An awkward one from my OB's office confirming my appointment for today. Uh, not pregnant any more, so let's schedule the D&C follow up appointment. When is that appointment? On my birthday of course. How wonderful will that be? There was also a phone call with the nurse at my RE's office. Very disappointed to hear of our loss considering how well everything seemed to be going. She suggested we come in for a consult with the doctor in a couple of months before deciding about how to proceed. She seemed to think that maybe another IUI would be warranted before proceeding to IVF. But who knows as even she acknowledged that I seem to have a knack for falling on the short end of the stick in every possible scenario. Basically, if you are a betting kind of person, don't bet on me unless it is for the longshot, and then only if it is bad.

So what's the plan from here? I'm back to acupuncture on Wednesday. Not that I was gone for that long, I just missed last week and this week for obvious reasons. I am going to keep that going weekly for the foreseeable future as there are obviously many imbalances in my body right now that need to be rebalanced properly. It can only make things better for what may come down the road. Doctor R seems to think this would be a great time to get pregnant again because everything is cleaned out and open. It's just a matter of getting my ovaries to cooperate. And I will leave that to Robert, the acupuncture guy.

Other than that I am just really struggling with the fact that I just don't know what the future holds. And that is a scary thought. I realize that one never really knows, but apparently I have fooled myself for so long into thinking that I had a pretty good idea. And I have been cruelly reminded again that no, in fact, I don't know and I'm not going to know, and that's just the way it's going to be. I hate that. So I continue to pray for peace and guidance so that I can quit making myself nuts.


  1. I know what you mean about fearing the unkown... I think as women, we go through our teens and 20s believing that of course we'll be mothers-- our mothers did it, why shouldn't we? And then we encounter all this crappy struggle with fertility- so many bumps along this road and it just sucks--but we have to believe it will change and soon we will be holding out healthy babies... But anyway- take good care of yourself. I too am not looking forward to Sunday-- We came so close this year, right? I told my mom, maybe next year we'll celebrate Mother's Day together. Wouldn't that be nice for all of us on this journey? Have a peaceful and relaxing weekend...

  2. Hi Chris,
    I'm sorry you had to go through this. It must be so disappointing (I'm sure that's an understatement). You are in my thoughts and prayers.

    Thank you for taking the time to give your suggestion about acupuncture - you are the second person to recommend it so I finally checked and there are two places in my area that specialize in infertility. I'm going to give it a try. I read through your blog and see that you value it. My system is way out of balance so I hope acupuncture will help.

    Take care.

  3. OK so I am leaving a comment after every blog-hope you don't mind.

    Not long after my miscarriage my DH said we had a package at the post office. A couple days later I asked him what the package was-he wouldn't tell me. I finally got it out of him-it was formula. It was right about the time of my due date. I am so glad I didn't go to the post office and pick that package up.