Well, as promised, I am going to share a little of what I have been reading lately (other than hours of blogreading and googling!).
Last summer when infertility became reality for us I bought several books that I thought might help with the journey. One of the books I bought was Moments for Couples Who Long for Children by Ginger Garrett. It is a book of about 80 devotionals covering a range of topics. Somehow it stayed on the bookshelf, unread, until my miscarriage became a reality.
I really wasn't sure what to think or feel when this all happened. So, in searching for comfort I pulled out this book.When I picked up this book I started at the beginning. Even though this book doesn't need to be read in order, I started at the beginning. The first devotional ended with this prayer: "Lord, having a child is out of our control, yet You ask us to not be afraid or discouraged--and this is so hard! We don't know what the future holds and we feel so helpless over the events yet to unfold. You've seen our future and You tell us we don't need to feel fear or discouragement. Please help make that a reality for us today! Give us confidence and encouragement". I am so guilty of feeling helpless of not knowing the future! I really hate not feeling in control of things, when so many other areas of life are able to be controlled.
Once my grief settled in I started to think about how I wanted this to affect me, or rather, how I did not want to be affected. I don't want to be someone who lets this miscarriage become a defining moment of my life. I don't want to be someone who can never move past this. I don't want to be someone that people feel they need to walk on eggshells around. I want better. The next devotional I read included this paragraph: "God is not blind to barrenness. The Bible repeatedly proves that not only is He aware, but He is actively bringing about His plan for our lives--even when we lose all hope. When you feel the despair or hopelessness of fighting a battle that seems to have no end in sight, picture yourself surrounded by this "great cloud of witnesses". Picture them cheering you on as you handle your infertility with hope, faith, and love." Can you see why this paragraph spoke to me? This is how I want to handle my infertility . . . with hope, faith, and love. This is how I want to live my life. Since reading this I have found myself reminding myself often throughout the day of how I want to handle this. With hope, faith, and love.
Each night I read a different devotional, though now I don't necessarily read in order. I read whatever I happen to open up to and it always seems to be something that speaks directly to me and it gives me something to think about as I drift off to sleep.