Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Tuesday Thoughts

A few people have asked me how I came to the decision, and found the strength, to do IVF, especially considering that last November I was dead set against it. So, I'm going to try to explain what's going on in my head and in my heart. Last November when I said, "NO, NO, NO!" I was feeling very frightened. Frightened that I wouldn't make the right decision, and frightened that it wouldn't work, and frightened of going into debt. The best advice my doctor could have ever given me was to take a break from things for a few months. After that I quit saying "NO" and started saying "We'll see . . . ". I tried not to think very much about it, though I did pray for guidance (and take lots of bubble baths). I also kept coming across the verse "Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, and lean not on your own understanding." (Proverbs 3:5) Gradually, over time, the fear left me and was replaced by faith and trust. Faith that God has a plan for us for children. Trust that it will happen. Sometime towards the end of the last IUI cycle my heart told me that it would be OK to do IVF. It might not be what we want to do, but it is part of the journey and I need to go with it. IVF might not even give us what we want, but that's OK too, as it's part of the journey.

So, the short answer here is that my heart told me what to do. If I relied on my head I wouldn't be doing it. My head knows that my chances for success are very slim. My head knows that chances of heartache are great. My head knows that debt is not a fun place to be. My heart doesn't know this, and doesn't care. My heart knows that this is just the path we are taking to parenthood. My heart knows that it will happen, that I will be OK, that we will be OK.

A funny thing happened once I let my heart do my talking. A sense of peace has come over me and I know that this will be a positive experience. Now that I have faith and trust there is no fear. Can you believe that?!??! NO FEAR! I also figured out that as long as there is faith and trust it is impossible to have fear. The three concepts just don't go together. It would be like trying to get Oreos, milk and squash to go together. It just doesn't work. I won't lie, once in a while fear and doubt start to weasle their way into my thoughts. As soon as it happens I chase the thoughts away. I literally tell fear and doubt to leave my mind and make room for faith and trust. Incredibly, it works, and for that I am thankful.

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