Saturday, November 04, 2006

Finally Something to Say

So it seems I haven't had much to say over the past couple of weeks. Better mark that down in the record books. I have just been plugging along seeking out order during a time that really doesn't seem to have any from one day to the next. Not very comforting for someone who craves and thrives on order. So, it's certainly been a lesson on living in the moment and letting things go.

My dad continues to build up strength, though he hasn't gotten back any new muscle movement. That is really hard, as frustration is setting in and reality is coming into focus. We are preparing to bring him home in a couple of weeks, right before Thanksgiving. My mom is learning how to take over all of his daily care needs and I am learning how to do his stretches and move him, without hurting either of us. Ramps are being built at the house and medical equipment is being ordered. At some point some bathroom renovation will be necessary and transportation will need to be purchased. There is also a long laundry list of medical complications my dad faces as a result of being a quadriplegic. Blood clots, bladder infections, skin breakdown, blood pressure inconsistency and all sorts of nasty things. It's bad enough that he can't walk or use his hands, but it breaks my heart to think of the suffering he will have for the remainder of his days.

We took another stab at the whole baby making thing this month. The cyst I had on my ovary was finally gone so that began a week of fertility medications. By the end of it I was a stark raving mad lunatic, and poor Brian had the misfortune of saying a couple of things that really ought not to have been said to someone subjected to such quantities of hormones. I had an IUI one week ago, and we have another week of waiting before we know if it worked or not. I'm not sure if it's all of the medication, or just the realities of life with infertility, but my mood seems to change moment to moment, from hopeful optimism to despair, then back to hopeful and then another turn to despair just when I'm happy being hopeful. If this doesn't work we will have to go down the IVF path, and I don't even want to think about that right now.
A year ago I had absolutely no interest in it and it seemed an unnecessary, unreasonable path to parenthood. Now it is looking likely and seeming completely reasonable and as necessary as air to breathe. I know that several of my friends have been down this path. My heart ached for them when it was their turn, but now it simply breaks knowing the full extent of what they went through. To those who haven't personally been down this path, please don't tell me to just relax. Please don't tell me that it will all work out. Please don't tell me about what happened to a friend of a friend's cousin twice removed. It makes me feel like I am unjustified in my feelings, and quite frankly, it ruins my pity party just a bit. Just listen to me rant and rave and remind me that in 10 minutes when the hormones shift I will see things differently and remember that God does have a plan for us. Even if He is taking His own sweet time about things. So, God, please grant me patience. Right now!

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