Sunday, November 12, 2006
Will The Testing Ever End?
Have I ever told you that I hate testing? Well, I do. I hate testing in all forms. Tests stress me out and make me wonder if I am good enough. I always hated taking tests at school, though I became proficient at working the system. I hate state mandated testing in schools now. I hate how the data is used and how stressed kids get, despite trying to un-stress them. I hate medical tests. I don't like to be poked, prodded and stuck. I have had plenty of that these past 5 months. Vaginal ultrasounds have become a way of life. Most especially I dislike having my faith tested, as it is right now. These last three months have been the mother of all tests and I am nearly worn out. I have been able to see the blessings resulting from my dad's accident. For instance, everyone has had the opportunity to let him know how much he is loved. Also, we have felt true love and support from our family and friends. And finally, everyone has been able to see my dad as the great man we always knew he was. However, this test of infertility is really tormenting me. I haven't been able to see the blessing, let alone feel it. I don't know for sure that this latest procedure didn't work, but I have my suspicions. Though I am two days late I have also had two negative pregnancy tests. See? Yet another test to hate. I watch it and I pray, "Please, please, please", but to no avail. I fail, and only get one line. I am tested in my decision as to how far I want to go with this. Do I really want IVF? Is it the right thing to do? What does God want me to do? I wait, and I pray, and I listen, really, really, really carefully. I haven't heard the whisper telling me what to do. My heart pulls me in one direction one moment, and another direction the next. I'm not sure which is right. This is one test that I just can't fail. Yet this is also a test that I'm not prepared for. All I can do is continue to pray for guidance and have faith that God does have a parenthood plan for us.