Saturday, May 12, 2012
Mother's Day Minefield
Up until I got married Mother's Day was quite straightforward, and I never gave it much thought. Of course, I thought of my own mom and grandmothers. I'd spend time with my mom and there was always a thoughtfully chosen card and gift. It was all very simple then, and I never would have imagined that such a holiday could become complicated.
A year after we were married Mother's Day started to get hard. Really hard. We still had our mothers and grandmothers to honor and celebrate, but there was sadness and feeling sorry for myself because I wasn't yet a mother. In addition to feeling sad and sorry, I also felt really selfish for pouting about it when, in fact, I still had my mom. Each year Mother's Day became more difficult. Partly this was because each year I had hope that by the next year I would surely be a mother. But, it never worked out. One particularly difficult year I was finally pregnant as Mother's Day approached. Believe me, there was lots of celebrating going on! We flew my grandmother out for a visit, my brother and niece were coming out, and we were planning a big Mother's Day party at our house. Days before Mother's Day I had surgery for a missed miscarriage. And the houseguests and party still went on.
2009 brought genuine happiness as I was able to finally celebrate my first Mother's Day. But that is when it started to get complicated. Frankly, it still is a bit complicated, and I suspect it may always be so. We are still fortunate to be able to celebrate and honor our own mother's, and now I have my sweet boy who got me into the club. Here's where it starts to get complicated, and it's for a number of reasons. I still have so many friends waiting to become mothers, who struggle with the hope that it will ever happen. My heart remembers this time, and I feel their pain. It's complicated because I also think of Andrew's birth mother. My greatest joy is also a loss for her. She is so happy that she was able to bring us such joy and happiness, but I suspect there is likely some sadness there as well. My heart also aches for those who have lost their babies far too soon. This must be the most difficult day of the year for them, as if each day isn't already the most difficult.
So this is why Mother's Day feels like a minefield to me. I'm so blissfully happy to be part of the club; but truly, not a day goes by that I'm not blissfully happy to be Andrew's mom, so I guess I don't really need a special holiday for it. I think of my friends still waiting, and of those who have had their babies taken from them too soon, and I don't want to cause any of them more pain. I remember what it is like to feel left behind. It's a feeling that will never leave me and that I will never forget. But it all makes me hug and kiss and cuddle on my boy even more.