For 2 years now, well actually, a bit longer than that, this date has been sitting in my heart. At first it was with great excitement, then sadness, then dread, then relief when it passed, then just a quiet place, and now, with wistfulness for what could have been.
December 6th is my first unfulfilled due date. Shoulda, coulda, woulda been 2007. This is the one that hurts and that I remember oh-so-well. Not even because it was the first. Because of a little white blip on a screen, and a nice strong thump-thump.
And since then I've learned way too much about loss, and not just my own.
But today I grieve for a good bloggy friend, Cece, who didn't just lose a shoulda, coulda, woulda; but rather, her perfect, beautiful daughter, a twin, after just a few days on this Earth, for some unknown reason.
And for today, and tomorrow, and all of my days, I'll just never understand why these things, these losses, have to happen to any of us. And I wish, just for a moment, that I could be the me that I was even 5 years ago, that didn't know that these things can, and do, happen.
I too wish I did not know the heartbreak that can come with TTC. I wish I still lived in that land of oblivion where I took BC pills in order to prevent and just assumed that when I was ready I would just stop. What a naive world I lived in.
ReplyDeleteOn happier thoughts, how did your garage sale go??
I agree, I only wish I could be the old me, but instead, after loss, I am a new revised version of my old self. And, like you know way to much, but stay faithful in knowing there is love through loss and I see that you see that love daily in the eyes of your son. All while feeling the brush of an angels wings against our hearts.
ReplyDeleteBlessings to you...
You are so good at posting what I have felt 3 different times. I still hold all of those dates in my heart of the first time I saw their tiny heartbeats. I also had to say goodbye to our daughter after holding her for just a few minutes. She was born at 26 weeks, took a few breaths and then went home.
ReplyDeleteMy heart is filled to brimming with the love I have for my 3 living children but a piece of my heart also belongs to all four of our children who for whatever reason returned to the Lord. My prayers will be with your friend for peace and comfort.
~hugs~ for you and Cece. I'm so sorry these things have to happen to anyone. Just so sorry.
ReplyDeletePoor Cece - and I'm right there with you about what could have been in 2007.
ReplyDeleteAbiding with you...
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean. Every once in a while it will happen that triggers memories, and then I'll calculate how far along I should be right now. I doubt that April 29 will pass without some sad thoughts.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry for your losses and all of our losses. I still don't understand why we had to endure them either.
I visited your friend's blog to give my condolences.
HUGS
ReplyDeleteHugs!!!
ReplyDeletethinking of you... from LFCA...
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ReplyDeleteHi Christy: I found you through the Lost and Found, and my heart ached when I read your story. I also have had those unfulfilled due dates (3 to be exact, with another one coming up in March), and I know how hard it is getting through these days. *HUGS* Thank you so much for sharing.
ReplyDeleteI'm also in the Southwest, out near Tucson. Always nice to meet a fellow Western gal :-) Take care, Kate
{{hugs}} I am sorry.
ReplyDeleteOh Christy. I am sending you love. I too wish that no one had to know this kind of pain. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteI'll never understand it either, but I hope Andrew's little kisses make it a bit easier. Hugs to you Christy.
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