For 2 years now, well actually, a bit longer than that, this date has been sitting in my heart. At first it was with great excitement, then sadness, then dread, then relief when it passed, then just a quiet place, and now, with wistfulness for what could have been.
December 6th is my first unfulfilled due date. Shoulda, coulda, woulda been 2007. This is the one that hurts and that I remember oh-so-well. Not even because it was the first. Because of a little white blip on a screen, and a nice strong thump-thump.
And since then I've learned way too much about loss, and not just my own.
But today I grieve for a good bloggy friend, Cece, who didn't just lose a shoulda, coulda, woulda; but rather, her perfect, beautiful daughter, a twin, after just a few days on this Earth, for some unknown reason.
And for today, and tomorrow, and all of my days, I'll just never understand why these things, these losses, have to happen to any of us. And I wish, just for a moment, that I could be the me that I was even 5 years ago, that didn't know that these things can, and do, happen.