WHOOSH

Did you hear that? It's the sound in my head, and it keeps repeating itself. Why? Well, I think I may have just figured out what's been eating at me when I didn't even fully realize I was being nibbled on.

Confused? Well, bear with me 'cuz I think I am too.

For weeks B has been asking me what I want to do for Mother's Day. Weird, huh? Well, maybe not for you, but for me it is because he's never asked me that before. And for weeks I never gave an answer. Not that I couldn't think of one, but rather, that I wouldn't think of one. Each time B would bring it up I would brush it off and move along to something else.

A few days ago I started to wonder why I was behaving in such an illogical manner, and I couldn't come up with anything.

But today? Well, "WHOOSH" is really the only way to describe it. Mother's Day two years ago was all set to be a big celebration. Our entire family was thrilled that I was pregnant. It was the first really good thing to happen since my dad's accident. My grandma was visiting. My brother and niece were visiting too. My parents, cousins, everyone was coming to our house for a big get together. I should have been in my element, because this is what I live for. Instead, I was the most miserable I have ever been. I was just two days past my surgery for my miscarriage. The miscarriage that was two years ago today. See? WHOOSH

And while I'm still sad about that miscarriage (and the other, as well), and I still miss what could have been, I know that if it had been, then my here and now wouldn't be. My here and now is exactly where I want to be and I simply can't imagine it any other way. Nevertheless, the could have beens have left behind marks on my heart that will always be there and will always remember in some little way. WHOOSH

That isn't all though. The WHOOSHing continues. I have been thinking of Andrew's birth mom like crazy lately. What is she feeling about the approach of Mother's Day? I hate the thought that my greatest joy may be her greatest sadness. I went to great lengths to find the perfect card for her, yet nothing was quite right. I finally settled upon one, and then was nervous to send it, but I did. WHOOSH

Finally, I think that for those who struggle to become moms it seems like Mother's Day is the holy grail of all that it means to have children. It just gets so built up in our hearts and minds. And now that I'm here I realize that I discover the holy grail of motherhood each time I am peed on, pooped on, slobbed on, cried on, chewed on, bounced on, slept on and smiled on. WHOOSH

So what do I want to do for Mother's Day? I simply want to be with B and Andrew. And my mom too.