Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Angst


Apparently, this -------------->
is not just going to happen for me. More aggressive measures are going to have to happen. And while this may not be news for you, it seems to be news for me. Yes, I do realize that I apparently made this IVF decision more than a week ago. However, the decision to go ahead with IVF was much easier to make when there was still a chance that I wouldn't have to actually go through with it. And all of this has made the inside of my head a very unpleasant place to be for the past several days. I'm talking borderline full fledged anxiety attack.
So what's in my head?
1) I'm afraid it won't work.
* And then it will be time to make more decisions.
2) I'm afraid it will work.
* And I might miscarry again.
* I just don't know how I would handle that again.
* Or I might have a really dangerous pregnancy.
3) The stress of the past year's events is just getting to be too much to bear.
* I'm just tired of stress.
* I want our old life back.
4) How can everyone think I am so strong?
* I am a complete nut case.
See? I'm a complete nut. How can I be worried that IVF will work and won't work? That doesn't even make sense to me with my unique sense of twisted logic.
However, as much of an idiot that I may be, I am smart enough to figure out that all of these crazy thoughts are just the result of stress. And I desperately need to take active measures to manage that stress. So, I have been getting some exercise each day, taking lots of showers with lavendar stress relieving gel and lotion, getting rest, and drinking hot tea. Oh, and cleaning chores around the house seem to help too. And most importantly, I'm telling Brian all about this busy place called my head. He thinks I'm nuts, and that may be true. However, he is incredibly supportive and confident that this is the right thing to do. He also has lots of the right things to say that can calm me down, and for that, I am eternally grateful.
On that note, I'm heading to the gym now. Then I will fold laundry while waiting for the pool fence people to come. Then, at 4:00 I am scheduled for a massage with my favorite therapist. And acupuncture is Thursday after my doctor appointment.
I'll report back later on how I'm doing.

6 comments:

  1. I think it is wonderful how supportive Brian is being. Please tell him for me that I think he is wonderful!!

    Have fun at the gym, burn some calories for me!

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  2. You rock. I'm gonna try to make it to the gym today.

    I totally get what you are saying. IVF is terrifying and awesome at the same time. I want to do it but I am also scared of it.

    Good luck!

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  3. Knowledge that it could not work is awful, so worrying that it will or won't... ugh. Hang in there, exercise lots.

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  4. Hi Chris,
    I know how you feel - IVF seems like the final frontier of fertility treatments. It sounds like you are taking good care of yourself, physically and mentally so that will help take the stress off. We are all pulling for you this cycle!

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  5. I think it's 100% normal to have mixed emotinos about IVF. It's a huge step. I hope that you're able to find solace about it in the coming days.

    Sounds like you have a GREAT day planned...hope it's as wonderful as it sounds!!!

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  6. I think it is OK to have mixed emotions. I think I'm the queen of them.

    I hope the massage, gym, and acupunture all help relieve some of your stress.

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