Today's mail delivery brought a painful reminder. It was an invoice from my RE's office for my prenatal ultrasounds and office visits. To the tune of $500 since it isn't covered by my insurance. I always thought that I wouldn't mind paying for prenatal ultrasounds. I guess I should have specified that I wouldn't mind paying for them if I was actually still pregnant. The funny thing is that the ultrasound at 9.5 weeks through my OB was covered. I guess I should be glad that I didn't have to pay for that one too.
So then while I was organizing my medical paperwork I came across our invoice for the IVF cycle that we never got to since I got pregnant naturally on the break cycle before. A part of me really wants to go through with it. Maybe not next month, but at some point. And that feels really odd because since the miscarriage I have had little interest in pursuing IVF. Does that mean I still have hope? Or that I fear that I won't get pregnant naturally again in the next few months?
And I couldn't leave well enough alone. I kept thinking. And the more I thought, the more I realized that I am really afraid of getting pregnant again. As much as I want a baby with all of my heart, I am terrified of getting pregnant again. Actually, it isn't the getting pregnant part that terrifies me as much as the fear of having another miscarriage. I guess this is where the faith part should be coming into play.
So this is my plan for getting my hope and faith going again:
1) Pray like crazy
2) Read the books I have to lift and encourage me
And this is what I have been doing to prepare myself for whatever lies ahead:
1) Weekly acupuncture
2) Almost daily exercise
3) I've given up caffeine except for an occasional iced tea
4) I've completely given up artificial sweeteners
5) I've given up all soda except for Hansen's Natural, which I only have every couple of days
6) Consuming lots of organic fruits and veggies
7) Limiting meat and diary with added growth hormones
8) Cooking at home more, and eating out way less, and trying new things. We made some completely awesome mahi mahi last week.
9) Which is all leading up to taking off some weight. The more the merrier, I haven't really put a number on it, though in the short term I would like to take off 20 pounds.
Any other suggestions for me? I promise, you can leave suggestions because I don't bite.