Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Painful Reminders

Today's mail delivery brought a painful reminder. It was an invoice from my RE's office for my prenatal ultrasounds and office visits. To the tune of $500 since it isn't covered by my insurance. I always thought that I wouldn't mind paying for prenatal ultrasounds. I guess I should have specified that I wouldn't mind paying for them if I was actually still pregnant. The funny thing is that the ultrasound at 9.5 weeks through my OB was covered. I guess I should be glad that I didn't have to pay for that one too.

So then while I was organizing my medical paperwork I came across our invoice for the IVF cycle that we never got to since I got pregnant naturally on the break cycle before. A part of me really wants to go through with it. Maybe not next month, but at some point. And that feels really odd because since the miscarriage I have had little interest in pursuing IVF. Does that mean I still have hope? Or that I fear that I won't get pregnant naturally again in the next few months?

And I couldn't leave well enough alone. I kept thinking. And the more I thought, the more I realized that I am really afraid of getting pregnant again. As much as I want a baby with all of my heart, I am terrified of getting pregnant again. Actually, it isn't the getting pregnant part that terrifies me as much as the fear of having another miscarriage. I guess this is where the faith part should be coming into play.

So this is my plan for getting my hope and faith going again:
1) Pray like crazy
2) Read the books I have to lift and encourage me

And this is what I have been doing to prepare myself for whatever lies ahead:
1) Weekly acupuncture
2) Almost daily exercise
3) I've given up caffeine except for an occasional iced tea
4) I've completely given up artificial sweeteners
5) I've given up all soda except for Hansen's Natural, which I only have every couple of days
6) Consuming lots of organic fruits and veggies
7) Limiting meat and diary with added growth hormones
8) Cooking at home more, and eating out way less, and trying new things. We made some completely awesome mahi mahi last week.
9) Which is all leading up to taking off some weight. The more the merrier, I haven't really put a number on it, though in the short term I would like to take off 20 pounds.

Any other suggestions for me? I promise, you can leave suggestions because I don't bite.


  1. WOW you amaze me! I did the complete opposite when I first m/c. I just couldn't bare having to stick to anything. Ummm I think I am still there. :( Maybe a little bit of you will rub off on me!

  2. You forgot something very important on your list of getting your hope and faith going again: blogging your thoughts and emotions and doings so we could come to read them and in turn encourage you and hopefully some of your positivity would rub off on us too. :) You're so strong even though you're terrified because of all the pain you're going through. I agree with sunny, after my first m/c I just wanted to hide from the world like what seemed forever. You go girl!

  3. I did everything that is on your list when I had my ectopic... well after a few months of being completely miserable... you are smart to start sooner. Eating well and exercising will really help with your stress levels! Good luck!

  4. I like the new look. When I first went to your page, I thought I was in the wrong place though.

    As far as getting pregnant again, I am there. I would say my fear of getting attached to a baby I may never hold is very strong. I am not sure a year from now that fear would be any different though.

    Prayer, encouraging books, and my blog have helped me work through some of those emotions. It looks like you are doing a good job preparing yourself physcially as well.

  5. Anonymous5:49 AM

    I think that you have a wonderful plan. I also feel your pain in getting the bills from your RE. Why, BTW, did your insurance company not cover the PG ultrasounds at the RE? I would think that since it is not infertiltiy "treatment" they would have covered it??

    I wish that I could attain a level of peace that would allow me to step back and rationally look at my situation the way that you are. I admire you!

  6. Clinics should have a special fund to cover things like that so they don't have to send an invoice after the fact. It's just salt on an already very open wound.

    I'm so sorry, sweetie.

    I think it all sounds like a good plan especially the trying new things part.

  7. I'm so sorry about your loss. My experience has been that eventually you do find the strength - and desire - to try again. In the meantime, it seems you have a very good plan.

  8. Anonymous1:29 PM

    I am sooo sorry about your loss. I have no words. I am glad you have a plan to get your hope and faith back.

  9. It seems downright cruel to send bills for a pregnancy that didn't work out. I'm sorry.

    You sound like you have a great plan in place. I hope it helps you get back into the swing of things.

  10. I'm sorry about your loss, but understand your fear of pregnancy. I know that I am afraid of both a - test and a + because a + will just send me into worry overdrive. It takes courage to keep trying and you should be proud of yourself for moving forward.

  11. Don't forget to give yourself credit for being so resiliant! I would add that it is important to be gentle with yourself. Grief is a funny thing, it can sneak up on you just when you think you are ok. I found that it was best if I didn't fight it...there were many days that I cried at my desk at work. I am enjoying your blog...I just wish that there weren't so many of us that are in the same boat.

  12. Thanks for stopping by my blog. I can definitely use all the good vibes I can get!

    I'm so sorry for what you've been through and are still dealing with. Your list seems great. Unfortunately after my miscarriage I just cried, stopped sleeping, watched TV all night, and spent my days like a zombie -- I don't recommend it! Big Hugs to you.

  13. I totally know what you mean... I just got a bill from the hospital and doctor for about $450 for the miscarriage.

    You'd think they'd tell you ahead of time which parts wouldn't be covered by insurance so you don't get a slap in the face a month down the road after you've already gotten through part of the grieving process.

    Also, I am jealous of your mahi mahi.