Sunday, May 06, 2007


I have been overwhelmed by the outpouring of support I have received over the past several days by so many of my friends and family. However, I am also aware that some people just don't know what to say or do during this time. Well, you know what? I don't know what to say or do or feel during this time either. This is new for me too. Once in a while I do forget about things briefly, but then I remember. I hate going to sleep because when I wake up everything comes flooding back to me all at once and I remember that I won't be having a baby, and it hurts. And yes, once again it is the wee hours of the morning and I am sitting in the dark typing. I happened across this list and thought I would share.

What to do and not do for someone who has had a miscarriage:

Do let your genuine concern and caring show.
Do be available... to listen or to help with whatever seems needed at the time.
Do say you are sorry about what has happened and about their pain.
Do allow them to express as much unhappiness as they are feeling and are willing to share.
Do encourage them to be patient with themselves and not to expect too much of themselves, nor to impose any 'shoulds' on themselves.
Do allow them to talk about their loss as much and as often as they want to.
Do reassure them that they did everything they could and that it wasn't their fault.
Do call her and tell her you are sorry for her loss.
Do send her a card or flowers to show you care
Do let her talk as much as she needs to or wants to.
Do give her a hug to let her know you care.
Do offer to help with housework, babysitting or other things that she may not feel up to doing.
Do acknowledge her baby. It is okay to say I don’t know what to say or I don’t know how to help.
Do call and check up on her. The pain does not go away in a couple days.
Don't let your own sense of helplessness keep you from reaching out.
Don't avoid them because you are uncomfortable. Being avoided by friends may add pain to an already painful experience.
Don't say that you know how they feel (unless you have experienced their loss yourself, and then you can be particularly supportive).
Don't say 'you ought to be feeling better by now' or anything which implies judgment about their feelings.
Don't tell them what they should feel or do.
Don't change the subject when they mention their loss.
Don't avoid mentioning their loss out of fear of reminding them of their pain (they won't have forgotten).
Don't try to find something positive about the loss (eg. a moral lesson, closer family ties, etc).
Don't point out that at least they have their other....
Don't say that they can always have another.... (they wanted this one).
Don't say that they should be grateful for....
Don't make comments which in any way suggest that the loss was their fault (there will be enough feelings of doubt and guilt already).

1 comment:

  1. HUGS to you! I remember the same "I can't believe this is all happening to me" because I had forgot! UGH!

    I read a post recently with a list sort of like this. One word of wisdom was, Do not give your friend a drink. It doesn't help. UMMMM I am not so sure about that one! It was one of the only things I knew I could do that those still pregnant couldn't do.

    Here for you!