Wednesday, December 03, 2008

More Reflections

As you can tell from several previous posts I do find myself reflecting upon comparisons between this year and last year. Overwhelmingly and without a doubt, this year, particularly the past few months, have been far superior not only to last year, but to the year before as well. And that is still the case. I've also mentioned how having Andrew has taken away so much of the pain from our infertility battle and struggle to begin our family. And this I know is true.

However . . .

Some hurt remains.

Last weekend we (well, B, if truth be told) dragged all of our Christmas stuff in from the garage so that the decorating can begin. I'm so excited to get it all done so that Andrew can enjoy all of the lights on the tree. Oh my, how he loves lights! I swear, he is part moth. This excitement is so different from last year. Last year everything was hauled into the house and I let the living room sit in major disarray for weeks. I just couldn't bring myself to get it done because it was just too upsetting. Upsetting because months earlier I realized that I wouldn't be in any condition to decorate the house . . . I would either be extremely pregnant or already caring for a newborn. Alas, that was not meant to be. Instead, last year when it was time to decorate I found myself mourning our unfulfilled due date. It was hard for me to even look at our living room, let alone step into it.

So now I'm remembering that miscarriage as the one year anniversary of our unfulfilled due date creeps closer. December 6th would have been the due date. And it still makes me a little sad. And very reflective.

And lest you think I spend lots of time thinking about this, I really don't. I'm just sharing where I am and how some hurts just never completely go away. While it has diminished, it's still there. But I think that it might be OK to still be there. After all, once you know loss it makes the joys all the more sweet. And that is a gift. Not one that I ever would have asked for, but a gift nonetheless I am thankful for.


  1. I think you are right--all the milestones do make all the joys that you now have more sweet. I can't wait to see some pictures of Andrew by he Christmas tree.

    We put our tree up last weekend. So far, the cat likes to bat at the ornaments (ah, now I remember why we don't put them on the bottom of the tree) and Willow is interested, but not extraordinarily so--it could be just another fixture in our house...

  2. Im sure its a bit bittersweet--memories of the past and looking at what your life is like today. Thinking of you...and give little Andrew an extra squeeze by the lights of the tree!

  3. No matter where you are now, it doesn't erase the fact that you suffered a difficult loss. It's nice to have happy things to reflect on now as well as the sad. It is all part of your reality and I know you will continue to heal!

  4. Since our "due" dates were one day apart, I totally understand. I don't often thing about it, but it does pop in every now and then

  5. I wanted to say first of all, that yes, it is definitely okay for it to be there. You can't help but think of loved ones that are missing at this time of year, even the ones that you didn't get to meet.

    And secondly, I
    you today.

  6. Anonymous7:44 AM

    I'm thinking of you today Chris.


  7. Hello-
    Very touching post. Your boy is beautiful.

    I am an adoptive mom who rode the infertility roller coaster for four years. I just started a not for profit called Parenthood for Me.
    Our mission is to provide financial and emotional support to those starting families through adoption and medical intervention.
    I am reaching out to the adoption and infertility community to spread the word. Please visit my website and sign up to be on our mailing list.
    Also, if possible, pass the link on to your circle.

    I appreciate the help.

    Erica Walther Schlaefer