As you can tell from several previous posts I do find myself reflecting upon comparisons between this year and last year. Overwhelmingly and without a doubt, this year, particularly the past few months, have been far superior not only to last year, but to the year before as well. And that is still the case. I've also mentioned how having Andrew has taken away so much of the pain from our infertility battle and struggle to begin our family. And this I know is true.
However . . .
Some hurt remains.
Last weekend we (well, B, if truth be told) dragged all of our Christmas stuff in from the garage so that the decorating can begin. I'm so excited to get it all done so that Andrew can enjoy all of the lights on the tree. Oh my, how he loves lights! I swear, he is part moth. This excitement is so different from last year. Last year everything was hauled into the house and I let the living room sit in major disarray for weeks. I just couldn't bring myself to get it done because it was just too upsetting. Upsetting because months earlier I realized that I wouldn't be in any condition to decorate the house . . . I would either be extremely pregnant or already caring for a newborn. Alas, that was not meant to be. Instead, last year when it was time to decorate I found myself mourning our unfulfilled due date. It was hard for me to even look at our living room, let alone step into it.
So now I'm remembering that miscarriage as the one year anniversary of our unfulfilled due date creeps closer. December 6th would have been the due date. And it still makes me a little sad. And very reflective.
And lest you think I spend lots of time thinking about this, I really don't. I'm just sharing where I am and how some hurts just never completely go away. While it has diminished, it's still there. But I think that it might be OK to still be there. After all, once you know loss it makes the joys all the more sweet. And that is a gift. Not one that I ever would have asked for, but a gift nonetheless I am thankful for.